Feeling a bit lost

I want to be less busy. Breathe, make the time to breathe, really breathe. If I stop to breathe now, I feel as if my mind wants to rush me. Get to the gym, get through my work out and get to work. On the days that I stretch… my mind wants to be aware and keep my eyes open. I want to stop and stretch through the tightness. It's a constant struggle! Why am I allowing my mind win? I have plenty of time. Another battle for the future. In the meantime, I keep plugging away bit by bit.

I spoke with HR on Friday. Felt good to get that off my mind and start that conversation. I don’t want to be this busy at work. Busy is good, but this is too much! But now that I have, my mental mind chatter is trying SO hard to keep me where I am. Saying things like, you made a mistake. You’re short staffed, and once you’re fully staffed, it will get better. You started your period on Friday and you know how you get just before you start; you’re an irrational mess! I need to just trust myself and have faith that all will workout as it should be.

Needless to say, I’m feeling a bit lost. Staying aware of everything that is going on right now in my life, with all the transition. Acknowledging the fact that there is a lot going on and I’m 2 months away from surgery. We are so close to the finish line as the house is almost done. Needless to say though, I’m still feeling lost and starting to lose my marbles!

What is the right thing for me? I know that I want to live a life through soul, and I am currently not! I know that once I am in my home, that I WILL be doing things that I love to do through soul and right now because there is no balance it’s progressed to the point of, well… I’m barely hanging on here.

I am sending this energy out to the universe to bring me guidance in continuing to stay open and bring that energy force that will catapult me into the world of openness. Please help guide me to this sense of peace within and allow me to always have a grateful heart.

Doing what’s right for me!

I made the decision to get out of a stressful management position in early 2020. I no longer wanted to be driven by the all mighty dollar, but still feel myself swaying in that direction. Old programming and again, I don’t feel it’s worth the trade. Of course, everyone wants to make more money, and I understand that the there is an expectation of duties when you are in a higher paid position.

What I’m getting to is… last year I excepted a position. It wasn’t in managing people, just processes. Within a couple of months, there was some transition and things shifted and I was placed in a position that would be needed as the department lost a key person. Always a team player. Always willing to do what is needed. However, after a few months, I found that the organization of the department and my duties was not working for me. Again, after speaking up, the organization was placed and for a few more months as this transition settled, I was okay. Until… now.

For the past few months, I have been feeling a bit overrun. The quality of my work has decreased, and I feel as if there is too much to do. I cannot keep up and many things that are not a priority have been placed on the back burner. Many reports that need to be addressed only get halfway done because there isn’t enough time to follow through with everything. I just do not feel proud of this and I want to be proud of everything I do. I do that in my personal life. I want to live that way congruently throughout my entire self.

In short, I started the conversation yesterday to address the challenges that I feel that I’m facing. Does that mean I step down and let someone else handle this juggling act of this position? Sure, I am okay with that. In my mind making even less money again… challenging, but worth it! However, I do hope that with some good brain storming, we can find a way to re-structure things a bit to accommodate and make the department run smoothly. I understand that we are short staffed by 1, but I will not be able to keep this up knowing that there is so much to do with the expectations of what NEEDS to be done. I need to be proud of what I produce. Not that I don’t do a good job, but I know I could do better. Right now, I feel like I have no time and cannot connect to the tasks, I just follow what has always been done and process, process, process.

Still a bit all over the place with this, but at least I am addressing now (sooner) rather than later (when it’s at my breaking point) –Kudo’s to me for recognizing the pattern earlier and “taking” action. I’m proud of my progress!

Too busy? What’s your excuse?

While I was working, I was running from the moment I got up, until I came home. I had chaotic structure, but it was my structure. I knew what I needed to do at work, and I knew what my schedule was like, ever day! The last few months of my job, I was working 7 days a week, mostly 10, but sometimes 12+ hours a day, so that didn’t leave much “personal” time or much else to really do. My husband had more availability to be home, so he took care of everything there for us. I didn’t really have… okay “MAKE” time for myself other than going to the gym. However, after I left my job, the first few weeks, I felt discombobulated. It took a bit to get myself organized with all this time and how I was going to structure myself. Now that I’m settled into a routine, things have been nice. I’ve had time to think about why. Even though I am not working, why am I keeping myself so busy? What am I running away from? Am I running away from something?

I went to the gate in Colorado, and I discovered a brief encounter with my soul that was so eye opening for me! Despite processing the trauma from my past, I have recently discovered there is more. Something deeper! I don’t know what? Was it from my job? Is my ancestral trauma? Whatever it is, I felt the underlying sense of tears within my body but couldn’t ever get it to reach the surface. However, just recently, at my NSA docs office, I had a breakthrough! I now consider that unconsciously, I may have been running away from “feeling” it. Whatever “it” was. I’ll never know what “it” was but thank you to Dr. Mark Dulberg and me as I was open and ready to process “it”. My inner self feels so light, better, and free to explore more of myself and what is next for me.

In conclusion it makes we wonder sometimes… do we keep ourselves too busy to deal with things? What may you be running away from? My advice… stop and process it. Yes, it may not be "fun or nice" but we all sacrifice so much more for less. Why not commit to you? It is life changing! The process allows you to move through it, in order to open yourself up to the possibility of what may be next for you!

Thank you for allowing my perspective to change. Being open and aware of my actions in order for the change in consciousness and shift to take place.