Looking back and Reflecting

Today I spent some time in going back to "tag" some of my old posts. Amazing to see the progress of my growth, Really truly amazing in how I have blossomed from the victim, to loving the gifts in life that are given to me. Actually, feeling blessed to have my eyes & heart open and seeing... feeling those things. 

It was also a gentle reminder in some of the stepping stones that have brought me to where I am today! Definitely progress! Kudos to me. Good job Kim! 

Reflecting back, I can see that sometimes I wrote to the outside, as if people read this blog and would actually respond. Other posts are confessions of things, experiences and feelings in how I was doing in that given moment. 

I am truly feeling blessed in starting this blog so long ago as it has allowed me to get to a place where I share these things out loud, no longer in a private journal. I must admit that at times, when things are good... I feel guilty for not blogging, but I know now that.. those are the times that life is just rolling along and the need to express myself or document things is not prevalent, and that is okay!

Thank you for this tool and thank you for all the gifts that have been given, received. I am grateful!

Day 10 of 30

So grateful for the wisdom of being connected with my own body!

I can remember the days where I was living my life, with disconnection. Seeking outward attention and not loving myself. I would have the illusion of "saying" that I love myself, but I know now, I wasn't truly loving myself! With all honesty, I still have a bit to go as I still am hard on myself about my own body "image", but the connection to my body, now... is amazing! As time passes, the connection becomes deeper and deeper -Thank you!

Here we are at day 10. So grateful for the ability to eat food, having the ability to be gentle with myself and be in love with the healing of this cancer. Finding the balance to what works, has been the key and I am so grateful for this gift in having the ability to see this as a gift. 

So many people that I have spoken with are in shock that I am still working full time, that I am handling these appointments on my own, I am still working out in my yard on the weekends, I am doing me! I don't understand... shall I be a victim of this experience? Honestly, everything is a choice, and I choose to not ALLOW this to change me or sway be into that mentality. Don't get me wrong, I have my lower level days, where shit is not good, but I am a survivor and I will prevail. So with that being said. 

Happy Friday to the day today and here's to week 2, done! -Well, almost... but you get the point. Tomorrow brings a weekend break and a breathe of normalcy for a hot minute. So welcoming, so grateful!

Cheers!

Thank you!

So as suspected, I had a great day yesterday after the morning nausea wore off. Of course I took the nausea meds to help that along, but what a day yesterday! I got SOOOOOO much done!

Not only did I finally (not by myself) get all the 18 tons of rock moved, I was able to finish the steps for the trail down below AND I was able to (with Tyler's help) get the driveway fixed from the last winters over flooding of waters that drowned the rocks for the drainage. It looks so much better and I feel that with the revealing of what the water wants to do and what I want... we have found the right balance so we both can be happy! -YAY, and only time will tell until the next big storm comes along, but I'm confident. 

Tyler made such an AMAZING meal for dinner. I ate SO much and was SO, SO, SO happy that I could eat. Meat give's me the hardest time to eat. It is just grossing me out!!!! But I ate a good portion of smoked chicken breast. Yum and thankful to Jason who is an expert with this smoker!

Here's my thought: I have to take these chemo pills, every 12 hours and since last week didn't go so well, I am going to make a shift in this schedule. Oh, and I got permission to get back on the herbs for my menopausal symptoms. Thank goodness! I had finally and that under control for the last year and having those come back... not fun!!!!!!!!!!!!! -So this week, I will try something else.

Get up in the morning as I usually do, and take my herbs with 20oz of water. Eat a light breakfast and then at 6:45am take the nausea medicine and then at 7am take the chemo with another 20oz of water. Let's see how this week goes! But that is the plan. 

Still trusting the process, but finding the balance in everything!

Successfully evicted Fred!

Wow when I had a partial hysterectomy, that post operative recovery was nothing like this. That one was a breeze in comparison.

This surgery, fuuuuuuck it hurts so bad! While I was in the recovery room, drinking a shit ton of water so I can prove that I could pee. Because you have to urinate before you can leave the hospital, why? Not a doctor to know, and I’m sure someone along the way has explained why, but all I heard was… you have to pee before you can leave. I started drinking hot water as I was shivering cold, but I didn’t care… drinking a ton of water so that I could pee and get outta here!!

But, let me tell you… the pain was excruciating!

It has been one week since the surgery and yesterday was the first day I could actually get up and around my house for more than a minute. Tired in the afternoon, but feeling a sense of normalcy being restored.

Good news… Fred is gone. Yes, bye bye!

Good news… Bad news… while I was being operated on, Dr. Z found out that I didn’t have anal fissure after all and the lateral inner sphincterotomy was not needed, BUUUUUT she found a silver dollar size wound in there, that has been biopsied. It could be Crohn’s Disease, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Cancer, among other things that she list off while we talked post operatively. It also could be an infection. Until the biopsy results come in… we are playing the waiting game.

So naturally I started to google the options of what it COULD be and discovered that I do not have those symptoms. Good news! It’s probably just an infection and antibiotics would solve that. 100% give me a yeast infection, but with a little Diflucan… no problem. One and done!

It still hurts as I have a bowel movement, and roughly 25 minutes or so afterwards, but once I start antibiotics, this too shall pass! I am so close!

Feeling kinda blah

When I was thinking about what is on my mind today, all I got was blah. Don’t feel like doing much of anything lately. I do not like this feeling, but it makes me wonder why I am feeling this way.

For days now, it just feels as if I am wondering in my body as well as my mind. Puttering. Why no motivation? That is not like me at all.

I want to blame Fred; he is certainly not helping. I am trying to continue to take it easy and not aggravate him in any way; I want him to heal! I feel that he is the deep rooted reason why I feel lack of any motivation. I want to get into my yard and weed, dig and plant. I want to get into the areas of my yard that definitely appear to be growing with a plethora of weeds. I want to get outside and be with nature. I want to be outside “doing” something.

Trying to have patience, but it is starting to run short as I don’t like the way I’ve been feeling.

To the powers of the universe, please heal Fred and allow me to go back to resuming my daily activities, including the gym. I miss it and need those things in my life to keep balance

Want too but can’t. No, won’t!

It’s been a little bit over a month since I have left my job, and it has been balls to the wall on trying to get the landscaping done for the season. Phase II of the grass is being planted the last week of September, so I have been frantically trying to get these hillside erosion challenges, and flower beds planted and finished with mulch. I have made great progress, but today is the first day, that I officially cannot get myself outside. Want to but am going to give myself permission to just putter today.

Thank you for the time to just be, thank you for the most wonderful husband in forcing me to stay at home, thank you to the universe… thank you, thank you, thank you!

Plant Teacher

Living a life out loud with transparency as I have kept this hidden for decades. Eluding, but leaving room for speculation or one’s own interpretation. I didn’t want it to affect my career. Maybe, it was because I was ashamed of my behavior, maybe it was because it “was” illegal, maybe it was because it goes against everything I work for with my body, maybe, maybe, maybe. The list can go on!

For so many years; actually, decades! I have been struggling with allowing myself permission to smoke flower without guilt. According to society, addicted. Thinking how bad it was, and I needed to quit. So many reasons! -Good reasons!

It all started long ago. I was introduced to it back when I was 19, when my good friend, who I will not name for her privacy. Tried it once and hated it! OMG hated it. But when my second husband (friend at the time) re-introduced it to me when I was 20, it stuck as a habit. Comes and goes, but I can still remember the day as if it happened yesterday. There I was at his friend Chris’s mom’s house. Standing there in her living room, staring out the big picture window after just smoking some flower. I remember thinking… what is so great about this? Still made me feel anxious and unsettled; still didn’t like it. I continued to smoke it “socially”. Not sure why, but eventually the anxiety dissipated, and it became a habit.

For many years I have been trying to quit. Determined to quit: throwing/giving away all my paraphernalia to again repurchase it. Nothing long lasting. Until I started network care. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggled with starting and stopping for another decade, but it was different. There were times and just a few years ago where I hadn’t smoked for over a year. No cravings. Then something would happen… stress from work, and I would start back up again. I realized that I was utilizing this habit as a crutch, coping mechanism to “get through” something. When you are armed with the knowledge it brings power into the light of a situation. For me anyways!

In all my years of consuming flower (not proud or bragging), I have come to understand the different strains and how they affect you. So, I choose to only partake in a certain strain; indica. Indica, relaxes you. Sativa energizes you. But for me… I am energized with Indica, and Sativa makes me anxious. Again, knowledge is power.

So, this brings me too today. I have been wondering why it is when I am high, I am different. I feel more creative, more connected to my body, more focused, less of a filter and less reserved. Of course, I don’t know how to begin to start the process of understanding that, so I connected with my chiropractor and co-founder of Genius Frequency to explore this.

Recently, I scheduled a one and one session with my chiropractor and co-founder of Genius Frequency, and I learned a lot!

• First off, change my frequency. Think of it as a plant teacher. This will shift my relationship and perception. 
• Think of it as my plant medicine; a natural value/enhancement
• Start asking the questions: 
• Why am I motivated when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why do I feel more connected to my body when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why am I more creative when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why am I more focused when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why is everything so different when I am with my plant teacher?

So shall it be. Not only am I thankful for Brian and his wisdom, but I am also thankful for his transparency and the gifts he is sharing. Discovery and Transformation into the deeper parts of me. The soul satisfying itch that continues to bubble to the surface.

Sending out my heart and souls desire in asking the question and exploring more into the discovery of those deeper parts of myself. Yay to me and thank you to the universe for bringing this into my reality! I’m ready to take that deeper dive! -Bring it!

Stop the mental mind fuck… NOW!

For too many weeks now, I have been giving into my mental mind fuck. Yup, that’s right, it’s been just a bunch of gibberish that has allowed me to make very bad decisions with food.

Am I screwed up mentally, emotionally, and physically?

Mentally, yes, lately. Totally eating my feelings

Physically, well, sort of… since I’ve allowed my mind to win over control of things, I’ve gained some weight. Progress out the door and down the street. LOL

Emotionally, yeah, I have my moments and sometimes days, but this time… it’s been weeks!

After having a blow out with Jason on Friday and I must say that in 11 years, this is our 3^rd one… I realized that I am allowing this to happen and then I’m making an excuse for it. The shitty part of this has been that I allowed myself to be okay with it. Yaa, no more!

Why did I allow this? Well here goes my rant, so that I can get it off my mind!

We decided to move to Asheville, I accepted a great position back in September and moved out of my home to start work here in NC. Yup I rented a space here while Jason lived in FL. I travel back and forth by car because the company I work for due to COVID had a no-travel policy without quarantining. No big deal, but after 4 months, it got old, fast! Finally, I started flying and Jason made a few trips up here by truck so he could tow a U-Haul to move some of the small stuff out of the way before we made the final move when we sold our home. Oh yeah, that was back in April, and we moved out by May 31^st. We have been in an Airbnb since June 1. Moved to another one as of last week and must move into another one next week. WHEN IS MY HOUSE GOING TO BE FINISHED? The builder states that all should be finalized by end of the month, so we are at the finish line.

The point of today was to recognize my mental mind fuck taking over, it started gradual, but eventually consumed me. Yes, I allowed it, but the time has come when enough is enough.

Getting back up, dusting myself off and moving forward.

Thank you for the awareness and the mindset -reset!

More delays!

Who would have imagined that back in February 2020 when we decided to move to Asheville, that the journey would have been this bumpy? Here we are in July, almost a year after we purchased our property, and our home still isn’t finished. Yes, COVID happened and is the main cause of delays now, but as frustrating as this is. I am so grateful to be so close to the finish line in this process.

Thank you for the folks that are working hard to get everything on our home just as we wished it to be. Of course, there are a few things that are not finished, but we requested it to be that way, so we can finish it ourselves. Then there are building code requirements that forced us to finish things a bit differently than what we wanted, but… we have full intentions of ripping that out within a year or two to remodel it as we originally intended. Thank you to those hard-working folks for making this dream a reality for us!

All in all, I’m happy that this process is so close to being done. I am so ready to get started on the landscaping and get back into the structure of a routine that will allow us to have some normalcy back in our lives.

Thank you for progress and thank you for allowing us to dream big!

Exposed again

You’d think that after the first time, I would be smarter, right?

I was and I did take pre-cautions, but apparently not good enough. The good news is that I caught it sooner and the side -effects were not as drastic as the first time.

Still learning and testing everything to see what works to prevent and protect myself from being exposed to the elements of poison oak, ivy, and sumac.

Thank you for the wisdom and the ability to continue to learn more and more about the outside elements here in this wonderful mountain life.

For the first time (EVER) I am so thankful for western medicine. Although I am whole heartedly against western medicine, I would not have been able to get through the unbearable exposure to this poisonous plant.

Unfolding the Heart's Desire

So much has been going on that I seriously have NOT made time to blog. I always promise myself that, this time will be different. I will blog more; I will take the time to make it happen and this time… I quit my job so what was my excuse (this time) The fact is, I will stop making those promises right now. If I really wanted blogging to be a priority, I would make it happen. But I did not. I had other higher priorities that took precedence, and I got a PT job to occupy my time since I was going crazy with boredom. On a side note, my house was SUPER clean, and my yard was beautiful!

On my last entry, I spoke about my feelings on how things went with my previous employer. Yeah, that was a hurtful situation, and the pain was around for quite longer than I really wanted it to be. My choice to keep it in my thoughts. Now it is September. OMG… what happen to the time. It just flew, and even with COVID… it still flew!

I am happy to report that with lots of energy work, love of landscaping, the urge to clean and organization, and time… all is better! Breathing wonderfully and have forgotten about SMC. Truthfully, I learned of something recently, and I could feel those feelings getting stirred and found myself pissed all over again. Therefore, consciously, I decided that I can no longer entertain discussing or thinking about it/them. Let it go with full intention of not revisiting that again, now that I know it is a trigger! Yes, to awareness!

So, I took a PT job, and ended up leaving after 4 weeks as it was not a good fit for me. Clear on my boundaries and how “I” want to be treated. Funny thing was that I was treated well as I established my boundaries right from the beginning, but the others around me… not so much and I just could no longer continue to keep myself in that toxic environment. So, I took another PT job, and unfortunately got soooooo bored, I just could not continue with it and ended up leaving.

On 7/16/2020 before I started that second PT job, I took some time to journal a list. Frankly, I’m sick of starting and leaving jobs. I really want to find my “home” -work home that is!  I felt that if I got clear about my future self with a new job and set it out to the universe to allow timing for the law of attraction to work its magic. Amazingly, I am here to report that I am set to start that new job in just a few days. Honestly, it was earlier than I ever anticipated, but I’m happy to report that the universe has unfolded 20 out of the 22line items listed for my new job. There was a few that were off a bit, but close. Like… I want to be within 20 minutes’ drive to my office; I’m 26 minutes. Other item was if I had located a higher role, but after really thinking about what was presented, I decided that I am moving to NC to take life a little easier, and a step back was just what the mind, body and soul called for. I though that my last employer took care of their employees, but I was wrong! My new employer really values and takes care of their employees GREATLY through all their benefits! Amazing company and I am SO grateful for the gift that the universe unfolded for my future self. I am excited!

In hindsight… painful as it was to leave my last employer… it was the right thing for me to do. For my mind, body, and soul. AND… I would have never been available for this opportunity if I didn’t make those hard decisions “then” -Thank you!

Heavy on my heart and can’t breathe!

For weeks… months now, I feel as if there is a heavy weight on my chest! I have had a hard time taking (easy) deep breaths. My breathing has been shallow. I feel like I must really work, contort, and stretch to expand enough to reach that deep breath. If I take a second and spend time on some energy breath work it has helped, but each day, it returns to being constricted. I have been feeling sad, weak, helpless, hateful, not of self-love, self-care, and deeply ungrateful. I have been feeling like a victim. I have felt as if, I have not been enough. I do not know why? I do not know what is going on; honestly, I had no idea! Until today! I realized there is still pain, sadness and becoming aware has allowed me to recognize it, so that I may process through it.

I am angry at my previous employer, but mostly at myself. All they did, and I allowed it; was to take, take and take… and for what? Trade my life’s spirit and soul for money. Why did I allow them, NO, why did I allow myself to let this happen? What was I trying to prove? And to who? them or myself? It is funny how past baggage shows up (again and again) In the end, I felt hopeless. Why did I get so emotional? Why do I keep replaying things over and over? The conversation with myself on this has shifted, but it is still there. It feels like the stages of grief. I have pain here, and it has been festering for quite some time. I have not been able to see it. I do not think I was ready to. Until today, now that it no longer serves me and has festered to the boiling point… like a volcano, it has blown. I no longer choose that filter and I choose to see things more clearly. For too long I have been internalizing it, and the results of that has been self-sabotaging myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I realize now that I need to take my power back on this. It was a good spiritual decision to get out of there!

Hindsight: why am I so angry, I should be happy about this, but I am not. I am hurt. I feel as if there is a deeper lesson on life in this situation. I feel as if this is deeper and purging whatever this is will help me find that. Thank you for the awareness, and I will do everything in my power to go through these emotions, feel every inch, corner, and crevice to allow myself my personal, physical, emotional and spiritual freedom.

Cheers to the journey!

Divine Light & MY Soul’s desire

I’ve blogged about this before, so I won’t run on about it again, but I think this is important as it has me thinking! You work so hard, pressing through all the challenges to reach the top of your career, and figure out that you’re not truly happy! I’m great at being a Financial Controller, but it was NOT feeding my soul, making me smile, in feeling soulfully satisfied! So now what? Where do I go from here?

I have, for years been processing the past and now that I feel free from the feelings of victimization. I know that I have wholeheartedly forgiven all and learned from those experiences. Thankfully, I am open to what’s next. My soul’s desire, living wholeheartedly through divine light and a passionate soul. However, I am not sure what that means. I love to do a lot of things!

Truly has been on the forefront of my thoughts and desires. I don’t know how to pursue this search, but within the things I am reading, they suggest. Do stuff! Considering the current status of our country in the fight against this Corona virus, I am willingly wanting to stay home for my health and the help against the spread of this virus. I am thankful for my health, and the thought of getting sick or catching this virus is something that I don’t want to risk. So, I stay home with a few walk with the dogs. So, with that in mind, that has me limited, but has me thinking about self-reflection. What do I love?

I know that I really love to cook, bake and create yummy-licious delights to devour. I love to work in my yard and create a beautiful landscape, but how do I know that I am on the right path? Here’s my vibrational energy being cast into the world to help guide me on this journey on finding my soul’s purpose of self-reflection!

Thank you for having the ability to be free from a job in order to research my hearts desire!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Roux, our 9-month-old pup was becoming overly rambunctious, so I decided to take a late afternoon walk with the dogs. It was such a beautiful day, and I thought it would be nice to go outside and enjoy.

At some point, while on this walk… I realized that I was smiling while I was enjoying my walk. The overwhelming feeling of gratefulness was such a joy! I am so grateful that I spent the time enjoying what I saw along the way, sweet smells of the flowers, and the sound of the rustling leaves.

I am so blessed and am so grateful for everything in my life! The opportunity to stop, work in my yard/home and just be in each and every moment has been such a gift that I am thankful for. 

Thank you!

Too busy? What’s your excuse?

While I was working, I was running from the moment I got up, until I came home. I had chaotic structure, but it was my structure. I knew what I needed to do at work, and I knew what my schedule was like, ever day! The last few months of my job, I was working 7 days a week, mostly 10, but sometimes 12+ hours a day, so that didn’t leave much “personal” time or much else to really do. My husband had more availability to be home, so he took care of everything there for us. I didn’t really have… okay “MAKE” time for myself other than going to the gym. However, after I left my job, the first few weeks, I felt discombobulated. It took a bit to get myself organized with all this time and how I was going to structure myself. Now that I’m settled into a routine, things have been nice. I’ve had time to think about why. Even though I am not working, why am I keeping myself so busy? What am I running away from? Am I running away from something?

I went to the gate in Colorado, and I discovered a brief encounter with my soul that was so eye opening for me! Despite processing the trauma from my past, I have recently discovered there is more. Something deeper! I don’t know what? Was it from my job? Is my ancestral trauma? Whatever it is, I felt the underlying sense of tears within my body but couldn’t ever get it to reach the surface. However, just recently, at my NSA docs office, I had a breakthrough! I now consider that unconsciously, I may have been running away from “feeling” it. Whatever “it” was. I’ll never know what “it” was but thank you to Dr. Mark Dulberg and me as I was open and ready to process “it”. My inner self feels so light, better, and free to explore more of myself and what is next for me.

In conclusion it makes we wonder sometimes… do we keep ourselves too busy to deal with things? What may you be running away from? My advice… stop and process it. Yes, it may not be "fun or nice" but we all sacrifice so much more for less. Why not commit to you? It is life changing! The process allows you to move through it, in order to open yourself up to the possibility of what may be next for you!

Thank you for allowing my perspective to change. Being open and aware of my actions in order for the change in consciousness and shift to take place.  

What an amazing day is was today!

Despite being short a team member, having a hellish headache, payroll day, and those extra duties that come along with being shorthanded… I managed to have a fantastically productive day. It’s amazing to me that without any effort those nagging distractions just seem to fall away by themselves. 

Thank you for taking away those distractions. Thank you for revealing the very moments that make such an impact on one’s existence. Thank you to the most infinite universe, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to give back.

Love and Light!

Oh what to do now???

For months now, I have been running at warp speed with this to do and that to do. Finally --I’m done!

It has been nice; I’ve been able to sloooow things down and get a bit more focused. Things I want to do vs. the thing I have to do. Live life and enjoy all the hard work that has been done.

After we finished up with the move and became more settled, I wanted to go play! So we have been; kayaking, horseback riding, festivals, put-zing around town and still dabbling a little with the things that need to be done around the house.

It is so important to have the balance, and I am so grateful that I have a renewed sense of life that I understand the importance of what has to be done and what can wait.

There is no race to the finish line and I can remember the times in my life when all I could do is; do, do, do, do, do and do! Boy, I am no Spring chicken anymore and I definitely understand the need for balance!

Thank you for everything that is in my life. Thank you for love, Thank you for the light in my life, Thank you for sun as the summer has been wonderful, Thank you for the lessons that have brought me to this new sense of reality, and thank you for the challenges that have made me grow as a person! Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you!!!!!

A gift for you too :-)

Oh thank you mother earth for the glorious SUN; the nutrients that you provide for all living things is abundantly given without any attachments. I am so thankful for you today. –everyday! The heat and the light that is given to all of us here on earth are such gifts and a selfless act of love.

Growing up on an island where the sun shine’s all the time was such a blessing. It's the best of both worlds... I live in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, and I have fallen in love with all of the seasons; seasons of growth and change. Honestly... boy oh boy do I miss the blessing of the sun being so warm all year long.

Thank you mother earth for all that you provide. Thank you for your selfless acts of generosity!

Love and Light

Count your blessings!

Every day I wake up, honestly I cannot say that I count my blessings. I don’t feel that I am ungrateful but I feel that my focus has shifted. It’s only when I have a moment to myself where there is nothing demanding my time when I take a moment to count my blessings.

Now That things have settled down, I must make a conscience shift to focus inwards again!

I feel that things have shifted so far out of whack that getting grounded again is going to take some very challenging work. I definitely have my work cut out for me. I do know that when I get back into routine again… it will all be worth the hard work it took to get there again.

Just want to say thank you for awareness and everything it brings into the “BIG” picture.

Thank you!

Time can fly -Eh?

There's just nothing to say when things are running so smoothly.... It's been a nice change of pace.

However, after this weekends trip to the island.... I noticed that I want to slow things down a bit. Maybe, after the first of the year, things will be off my plate to make life a bit more simplified. :-)

Up earlier than usual and I was just taking the time to notice that life just feels good.