Numb

I am feeling so numb!

I was told that I have cancer and I cried the first day, but ever since then I just have not really "felt" anything outside of my sessions with Brian. 

The statistics are good for this "common" cancer, but I feel that I am NOT feeling. Despite being borderline of not being responsive to treatment (as I am being told), I am convinced that I WILL beat this cancer.

I feel that Brian said it so clearly yesterday with the affirmations during my session. "Sometimes it's easier to "do" than to feel". I feel this is so true for me right now. Am I not feeling things? Am I numb? As I am writing this, tears are rolling down my face. So, I am going to have to say, yes! I think I need to just "be" with this news. Really BE with it. What the FUCK does that mean or even look like?

In our family "feelings" was not a thing we really connected with, so experience is not something I have mastered. Although my work with network care has brought me leaps and bounds further than I have ever been. I am feeling that with this news... I should be a basket case or something? right?

I know there is no right or wrong answer in how I deal with this, but after yesterday's session with Brian... I am just feeling as if I am numb! So here it goes...

To the universe and greater powers that be, please show me the direction in helping me connect and start processing this cancer. 

Still trusting the process.

Magical, unwinding gravitational pull

For so many years, most my adult “responsible” life, I feel as if I am following my parent’s words of wisdom. You know the nagging voices of… work hard and do whatever you need to do to make a living and then retire comfortably. BUT something has shifted recently, and my soul has me yearning for living life with passion, love, unbounding joy and living my true self. Loving what I do, day in and day out. Here’s the challenge. What is it? What does that look like? I really don’t know, but I want too!

I feel as if I am being pulled forward and just being where I am “right now” … more so of the awareness of where I am, has become painful, emotional and yet it fuels my fire to explore what that means all at the same time. The opposition is my old, yet evolving self … who has that nagging voice and the fight or flight feeling of being scared. All I can say is, I strongly and wholeheartedly feel a conscience shift and I continue to remind myself that it’s time for me to LIVE, LOVE and BE FREE! No longer bound to the chains of the old patterns that keep me unhappy. Not in a negative way, just not living life to it’s fullest most magical and its unlimited energy!

I remember a time… long period of my life where I wore a mask, alcohol, drugs and all those crutches allowed me to “deal” with things and endure life’s challenges, but in the past 10 years of my NSA journey, I can happily say that the old negative patterns have fallen to the wayside and I no longer think, nor want to clutter my mind and soul with crap!  

Please hear my voice expressing my gratitude and asking that you unveil the path that I am to follow. Lead the way, and I will continue to trust the process.

Love and Light

LOVING WHAT IS?

Today’s beautiful spoken words; magical & eloquently written in sharing myself honestly in this snippet of time. It’s been awhile, I’m sorry for not expressing myself, not dancing magically for hours, and loving what is! You only get once chance. Treat “you” nicely with love and compassion. Be real! Be Honest! Be You! Exposed, Raw down to your core being. Yes!

Can you accept your body, your spirit, mind, & soul? I must admit that I am learning to love myself. -Me! My mishaps, tribulations; experiences that I could perceive differently. Positively accepting myself, the journey of finding the lesson and celebrating those moments. Celebrating the gratitude of all my blessings.

I must admit, I am SO grateful for my existence right at this moment!!! Maybe its because I feel so very connected at this very moment! Thankful for network care in full embodiment. “Soul-ley” Laughing, smiling, and feeling joyous! Hmm, feels so good! -Thank you!

Rawness exposed in truth. I know the {70/30} {80/20 rule}; whichever one it is. I must cut to a low natural sugar, cut a bit of carbs. I am at the gym very regularly, very! (I am proud of the structured progress)… However, having moderation with my diet & exercise, is the goal. Indulge for a day or 2 but have limits on how long things go on for. Thank you for having awareness to ask the question?

What specifically do you not love? For me, it’s my saddle bags hips, thighs, back, arms, and shoulders. That’s a long list, but not all the parts on my body. That means I do love others. Yes! Yes, this is true too! Why kind of goals do you have for your body? Working hard at the gym, but diet is key! Why do I feel such a strong desire to become skinnier? Not skinnier, no… leaner!  -I do have target areas!

I am in the process of finding my balance with food; testing boundaries. My number 1 rule? I must not have a cabinet full of anything processed, candy, toxic… you get my point. I wished everyone in the world would too. Nope, not in this world. Laziness is a thing! For real! I live with a roommate who has a shit ton of this crap in her cabinets. Thankful for the awareness that my will power must always be in check. That conversation you play in your mind. Tell myself what I believe it to be, willing it, into my world, my existence!

What do you want? Isn’t that the question? Right now, it’s that I am in the process of becoming fit & leaner. Creating the necessary habits and structuring the plan of action. Having balance at the gym with lifting & toning; rotating weeks. Food! --I’m close! 17% body fat is my goal and I have 7% left to go. My diet needs to get into check. That will be the only way for me to reach this goal.

My mindset is shifting. Asking questions; real questions. What will it take to make that a reality? Will Power, Drive, Ambition, Mistakes & Progress in learning to love wholeheartedly. Having compassion, love, and joy in every day at every moment.

I want to be wholeheartedly happy! With everything! Is that possible? Can you dream it into your world? Believe it to already to exist. For me, I believe that documenting your desires, sends it into the universe where the greatest power and forces begin. Churning, and spinning the world around everything in energy! Love Gratitude and an outlook on life that is enlightening and magical! -Again, Thank you!

With wishes in sending this in time and space. Setting my desires free! -Thank you!

Too busy? What’s your excuse?

While I was working, I was running from the moment I got up, until I came home. I had chaotic structure, but it was my structure. I knew what I needed to do at work, and I knew what my schedule was like, ever day! The last few months of my job, I was working 7 days a week, mostly 10, but sometimes 12+ hours a day, so that didn’t leave much “personal” time or much else to really do. My husband had more availability to be home, so he took care of everything there for us. I didn’t really have… okay “MAKE” time for myself other than going to the gym. However, after I left my job, the first few weeks, I felt discombobulated. It took a bit to get myself organized with all this time and how I was going to structure myself. Now that I’m settled into a routine, things have been nice. I’ve had time to think about why. Even though I am not working, why am I keeping myself so busy? What am I running away from? Am I running away from something?

I went to the gate in Colorado, and I discovered a brief encounter with my soul that was so eye opening for me! Despite processing the trauma from my past, I have recently discovered there is more. Something deeper! I don’t know what? Was it from my job? Is my ancestral trauma? Whatever it is, I felt the underlying sense of tears within my body but couldn’t ever get it to reach the surface. However, just recently, at my NSA docs office, I had a breakthrough! I now consider that unconsciously, I may have been running away from “feeling” it. Whatever “it” was. I’ll never know what “it” was but thank you to Dr. Mark Dulberg and me as I was open and ready to process “it”. My inner self feels so light, better, and free to explore more of myself and what is next for me.

In conclusion it makes we wonder sometimes… do we keep ourselves too busy to deal with things? What may you be running away from? My advice… stop and process it. Yes, it may not be "fun or nice" but we all sacrifice so much more for less. Why not commit to you? It is life changing! The process allows you to move through it, in order to open yourself up to the possibility of what may be next for you!

Thank you for allowing my perspective to change. Being open and aware of my actions in order for the change in consciousness and shift to take place.  

Triad of Change and Re-organizational Healing

Yes another gate has passed and the thoughts are just rolling. So here it goes.

Have you ever been at a place in life where you feel “stuck?” Stuck in the day to day rituals of allowing time to pass but you feel as if you’re not going anywhere but around and around. Funny thing really… I know that I’ve been here before, but here I am again.

I accepted a job some time ago and about a year or so, I started struggling with that job. It was no longer congruent to my energy and I knew that I needed to quit; I wasn’t sure when but I knew what I needed to do. -The question was when? 

In September 2010 after a healing vortex journey, energetic healing massage in Sedona and some time to heal, when I arrived back in Washington and went to work the next day, I knew that I could no longer be in that environment; I was compelled with sadness; a sadness that brought tears to my eyes the entire time that I was there in the office. So I felt drawn to take a visit to my boss’s office and express my feelings of discontent with the position and that it was time to leave this job. It was so liberating to know what I was supposed to do, and just do it.

So here I am 4 months later and have had a lot of time to gather myself and get clearer of what I am to do here on this path. That was what I intended but I actually found myself at a place where I felt lost. Lost in my thoughts, lost in time and space of what I “SHOULD” be doing with my time. Some of that were old conditioned patterns trying to emerge again… “The conditioned patterns of you need to work hard to get anywhere” My only thought was to not think about it. Just let the energy flow as it may and in time, the path will reveal itself. Not sure how but it would happen when the timing is right.

My questions were… What is it that I should be doing? What do I love? Where should I focus my energy on? But no matter how many questions I asked I still felt discontent for myself and the path. I felt as if I put the intention out to the universe but I wasn’t receiving the answers or the signs. 

I went to the gate with those same questions and the intentions of the laser beam focus on what I wanted out of this gate. Not attached to the results but strong intentions.

This gate was a wonderful experience but most of all the Triad of change and re-organizational healing was very informative on my how my biological make up corresponds with the way I focus and utilize my energy. 

To understand that my Behavior is my prime, structure is my keystone and my drain is perception is such a concept to understand of how to put things in motion and to understand why I have been in such a rut for so long. The bottom line is that I have been in my mind and “thinking” about those questions when my modus operandi is of action. I knew that I say in my mind but to have the realization of understanding that is a different story.

Thank you for the path and the wisdom to see the doors open and not only that to say thank you for being an open receptor to allowing this change to take place. – I can’t wait to get home and do, do, do!

Thanks Wise World for this wonderful experience and thank you to the universe for unfolding these events. I’m also not going forget to say thank you to myself for “Showing up”

Space in the brain

I don't know how to explain it. It's just gone.

My mind was a space of confused mind fuck and sometimes it took over. Yes I allowed it... I know but inevitably, I felt as if I was losing to my own mind. (CRAZY) Sometimes it drove me crazy with it's desire to "have to" figure it out. -Exhausting actually

Ahhhh the gate; Peace! Thank you to Sandy for introducing Network care into my world. I love you forever and ever as my life partner.

There is now a gap in my mind; only the outer edge of the surface feel as if they are analytical.

-My mind at ease with peacefulness. Ahhh!

Good music, good connection and good experience! Can't wait til the next gate in Denver. I'm already there in spirit.

Been 2 loooong!

OMG!

I was just thinking the other day how it has been awhile since I’ve blogged or even journaled…

Yes, life keeps us all busy… Society is busy! -24hr convenience to humanity on this planet… but I’m of the minority, and for me it’s not filtered drama (Media) and what the outside world thinks or cares about. I just am.

Living day by day is the greatest gift and right now there is no direction or decisions that are urgent. I just am.

But at the same time…. Emotionally I feel as if I’m lost within my own thinking. Craziness! -As if everything is out of order. Changing the thinking habits of analytical thinking… uh actually… it’s thinking in general.

Man, do I over think! I over think about just being in the moment… Hmmm what does that mean? What is that supposed to feel like? Why live life filtered through your brain as to what the plan is….. Just be

Through my experience, I learned that it’s about what and how we feel more than what we think it is, and breathing is healing.

Through Rhythms studio I have found a spark of connection and the tools to being this deep journey within. Deep breathes they are good for healing your spine and other areas of our amazing bodies. It definitely has required me to slow down and feel the connection through breath work.

Still feeling like shit as to knowing or having my brain figure it out (the plan) but actually I’m detangling the past and unwinding the spine to that deeper connection.

Thank you to my life partner for bringing Rhythms into my life.

Hmmm Breathe...

Today taking some time out for ME was nice. I'm focusing on focal point breathing. Boy do I have some blockages! Just being in the moment. Breathing ever so quietly and in flow.