Cancer made me!

How does a person go from doing, to being? AND what does that even look like? I thought, so I am going to have to change who I am to the core? WTF. How else would I go from doing to being?

So lost, but in allowing that question to unfold, without taking any action, I soon realized that I don’t have to CHANGE everything about myself or who I am. I feel that a shift would allow me to still be me, openly be the change that is needed to be.

I realized that I could slowly do the things that need to be done without rushing or placing any imagined deadlines upon myself. What a shift that has made in how I am approaching things.

I am so grateful for allowing myself the time and space when asking, questioning, and seeking the changes I want to start making.

I am so grateful for the cancer that has MADE me stop in my tracks. I’d been asking for life to slow down, but never ACTUALLY doing anything about it, so the universe made that happen for me!

I am stubborn and never really put me first. This experience has changed my perspective. Thank you for life’s little, sometimes BIG gifts! I appreciate the renewed awareness of what needs to be.

What was the lesson?

It's true... I live my life on the go, always!

In Florida, I was SO busy... 

Gym, working on me. 

Working, working for my financial goals. 

Yard/Home, working on fixing my environment to be more relaxing. --Although, I never "really" truly relaxed. Sure I used the pool at times and while I cleaned up the dog poop in the backyard, I threw the dropped fruit from the tree into the canal to feed the turtles (My favorite part of living in the FL home). I actually just worked, worked and worked. Just like the Rihanna "work" song. 

All at the same time, I blogged, blogged and blogged about how I just wanted life to slow down. For years, despite blogging about other things, I just wanted life to slow down. 

Honestly, after making the move to NC in 2020, life has slowed down. Not a ton, but definitely a shift for sure. I haven't been satisfied in how fast life is still going and silently still desiring this to happen. 

This cancer experience has forced me to slow down. Actually... has forced me to come to a complete stop. Days and days I couldn't even take a shower, do my dishes, let alone get out of my bed to do anything! It was such a challenge for sure and I did not like the feeling of doing nothing. That has shifted!

I am scheduled to start my new job on 8/14 and for the first time in my life, I have anxiety about that. I feel that I'm still not ready! I need more time!

So, I have decided to go ahead and move forward with starting, but will be acutely aware of how I am feeling. I MUST take care of me and put me first. I have some of my energy back, but I must move slow or my body starts to shut down!

I understand the lesson. Forced lesson, for sure! But, I get it! -Thank you!!!

Smooth Sailing

End to week 4 and things have shifted with my energy. Finally have the timing of meds to numb things. I find myself having to slow down. My body will not do, what I want IT to do. So I have no choice but to slow down. Or I get super dizzy!

Its what I asked for, for years. So that was not the way I saw it going, but in reality... I never ACTUALLY slowed down. Maybe for a hot minute. So the universe provided the necessary experience to MAKE me do it. 

I wonder how many times during all 200+ blog posts, I ask for things to: SLOW DOWN?

Thank you LOA, but wow! That is awareness in your face!

ANGRY!

Sunday I was outside digging up the bee balm from the yard as we are moving it to another part of the yard. As I was digging the new holes, I discovered a few areas that were a bit rocky that required a bigger tool that would cut through the rock. When I got to the last few holes, there was a section that I feel were just pure rock! Nonetheless that didn't stop me from continuing to try to dig the hole. I got through 2 and as I was swinging this tool into the third one, I felt the burning fire of anger, almost rage... go through my body, then tears broke through.

So ANGRY at this CANCER! Why me? Why now? I cannot understand, as I am SOOOOO careful of my body. Truthfully careless in my younger years through my early 30's, but the later part of my life. So picky of the things that I put into my body. Food, no western medicine, but definitely cannot say that I am not guilty of smoking my plant medicine. Not so much anymore as I feel I have outgrown all that, but still I cannot understand why me? How did this happen? No one can answer that question, not even the doctors. They tell me, that I did everything right! Nonetheless, I accept it. Doesn't mean that I cannot feel the anger of this situation. 

Grateful for my  session with Brian today! 

Before my session, I could feel the lining of anger, tears and deep emotions that were at the surface, just awaiting to be released. I couldn't even take a deep breath; trust me I tried too. 

After my incredible session, I could feel that I had moved through the anger in acceptance and the emotional tears were falling down my face at many moments throughout the remainder of the day. Thankful for the emotional tears. I will accept my situation with the loving grace of my soul in knowing that the gifts from this situation will be presented at the right time. Maybe the gift of slowing down. Maybe the gift of learning to trust others in my care. Maybe the gift of ???? --I just don't know, but... Thank you! 

Still trusting the process and giving up the control to the greater powers above that clearly have a plan for me! I will remain open to allowing these gifts to be received with an open heart.-Thank you!

Looking back and Reflecting

Today I spent some time in going back to "tag" some of my old posts. Amazing to see the progress of my growth, Really truly amazing in how I have blossomed from the victim, to loving the gifts in life that are given to me. Actually, feeling blessed to have my eyes & heart open and seeing... feeling those things. 

It was also a gentle reminder in some of the stepping stones that have brought me to where I am today! Definitely progress! Kudos to me. Good job Kim! 

Reflecting back, I can see that sometimes I wrote to the outside, as if people read this blog and would actually respond. Other posts are confessions of things, experiences and feelings in how I was doing in that given moment. 

I am truly feeling blessed in starting this blog so long ago as it has allowed me to get to a place where I share these things out loud, no longer in a private journal. I must admit that at times, when things are good... I feel guilty for not blogging, but I know now that.. those are the times that life is just rolling along and the need to express myself or document things is not prevalent, and that is okay!

Thank you for this tool and thank you for all the gifts that have been given, received. I am grateful!

Feeling SO much better today

Being Bipolar has been fun! I refuse to take medication. I have learned what I need to do, in order to keep things under control. Structure and organization is the key for me! Learning how to deal with all the ups and downs has been a fun roller coaster ride, but I am so grateful for Network care in revealing the "Kim" way! -Thank you!!

Today is the first day, in many that I feel like I am starting to feel better! Finally!

Fred is on the mend. I'm so happy that progress has been prevalent. Happily grateful that after all the attention he has been receiving, he is finally complying with my intentions. 

I just wanted to say thank you to the universe. Thank you for revealing the lessons needed in order for me to make the necessary changes in my life. I will comply with the slowing down of things even after Fred has healed. Resistant to change, yes! BUT after this... I hear you loud and clear! 

Thank you for the sun in showing me "how bad" I really WANT to be outside and the immediate challenges that has stopped me from doing so. I guess as my mom would say... I too learn the hard way. 

So happy today, so feeling myself again. Wholesomely!

Cheers to life lessons!

Fred and the awareness surrounding his visit

In the beginning, I thought this was just a flare up, and that I could, with the right attention… heal it. Besides, I don’t have any issues as this is only the 2nd time I can remember ever having to deal with it.

If you’re wondering what “it”… It is my internal hemorrhoids. Not only did I get the gift of a (no drugs) natural birth to my youngest kiddo in 1996, but I was also given the gift of hemorrhoids. Thank you?

I cannot ever remember having this big of a flair up. Trust me, it would be as memorable as this current experience has been. I feel that I can attribute this to my eating lifestyle. I’ve always ate wholesome and as natural as possible. Maybe not so much while I was in my 20’s, but that certainly changed in 2007 when I learned more about food, food additives and FDA standards. It will shock you to know what acceptable standards allowable in our foods. OMG, but that is a different story. 

I cannot remember when this started, but I know that I separated from my job at the law firm in the first week of August. I know that I had some cream on hand from my competition days. Side note, believe it or not hemorrhoid cream is very helpful when you tear your calluses off. It helps with the swelling!  I can see that I ordered some stuff on 9/12. So, I feel it’s safe to say that it started around the 1st of September. I was taking baths, using ice, heating pads, herbal supplements, a holistic ointment as well rotating other topical creams and suppositories. Nope, weeks and months went by with no “real” progress. I could get things unwound, but no matter what I did. It was still there and was quite uncomfortably painful. I thought I could heal this on my own, but I finally broke down and saw a doctor in March, who then referred me to a surgeon. It was so swollen that even she couldn’t see or diagnose it, but the suspicion is that it is an anal fissure. It may have started as a hemorrhoid, but now it’s something else. In light of this experience, I feel that this has been with me for so long that I have named him Fred. Not funny, but he is my unwanted guest who has worn out his welcome! I’m ready for him to leave as my daily life has been affected, big time! Not to mention, I have spent far too much time with that part of my body, then I ever imagined I would. I asked my husband if he is jealous of Fred since I have been spending so much time with him. Just joking!

The surgeon mentioned surgery, but I am so against any kind of surgery. I know there has to be another way. Maybe not the quick, easy fix, but nonetheless, I refuse to cut things out of my body… unless I HAVE to. So she prescribed a compound cream which has Fred almost gone. Still there, but shrinking, finally! I thought I was in pain before, until the healing started. I now realize that this pain is much worse! OMG!!!!

I know now that there is a reason that he has been sticking around this long. Showing me “awareness of” something? Maybe heal, not show? My take away is this. As I have spent time with Fred, there has been some emotional experiences surrounding the healing that has happened with Fred. Deep feelings of tears, some laughter, but mostly a lot of crying. Maybe this is my emotional stuff that was buried deep down there. Maybe it’s ancestral healing? I don’t know, but I have learned that I need to revert back to my healthy lifestyle with food.

Since my husband has come into my life, my lifestyle has changed. Cable TV, fast food and “some” processed foods have found their way in my diet. I will take accountability for allowing that to sneak in, but that is now changing in light of this situation. Maybe it could be a combination of a few things. Age could be an attributor too. 

This experience has shown me a valuable lesson. It’s clear to me, that changes need to be made. 

Cheers to awareness and the lessons that are brought forth by the natural order. I appreciate the eye opening experience. It will definitely allow me to think twice about what I am feeding my body. 

Time and Space

On Friday, I’m lying on Dr. Mark’s entrainment table and I can’t help, but notice that I have a smile on my face. Not intentional, just happened!

That smile opened my eyes to realizing just how quiet and peaceful life has become. Noticing that in those still and quiet moments… I feel so happy. --Realizing just how peaceful things are; honestly, a refreshing change in pace.

For me, on a normal day; most days really, I have something on my mind, something going on that occupies that time and space. However, recently there has been a shift in the energy around me. I feel that I can attribute this shift change to my energy, focus and attention. 

Oh, how those little changes in the everyday things I do, make a substantial difference. Nonetheless, hard work, dedication and super laser beam focus has been very rewarding along this journey.

I’m so grateful for this awareness, and the realization that I’ve created that for myself.

What level of it do you have???

I can remember a time when I was being swallowed whole by the drama in my life. It felt like I was drowning. Boy, am I ever so grateful to have moved beyond that and be able to look back and see that experience for what it gave me. The gifts you are given during the times in which you least expect… are the greatest gifts for growing. It may have been growing pains, but I’d rather be growing any way than staying stationary and stagnant.

Honestly, if I was to take inventory of where I am right now, I would say that I am at peace with myself. Letting go has been a wonderful gift. Awareness of new boundaries has also been an incredible gift. In all the times that I have been hurt, each and every one has given me a lesson to learn about myself and another experience to share with others.

I love my partner, but the drama gets old. The level of drama that is in my life because of my partner is unbelievable. Sometimes I can’t believe the lengths that some people will go to take vengeance out on another. I chalk it up to their perception and how they view things from their perspective. I just wish that everyone could just get along. Circumstances change and so do people.

This paradigm shift of life has given me something to think about. I live a frugal life; thankful from the roots of how I was raised. No but really thankful that I am no longer in that rut and materialistic living that kept me not satisfied with where I was and what was. Being in the moment and enjoy all of life’s precious gifts are more satisfying to me that driving a new car or having the latest and greatest. Although I deserve to have everything in my life that my heart desires, the gift of being content and satisfied is ever so relieving.

Thank you for life’s little moments and thank you for the chaos that sometimes comes before the storm. I am ever so grateful for the preciousness of the evolved universe in showing me my path.

Grateful for today!

Not so long ago I can remember being so far in the future and sometimes, so stuck in the past.

It’s sometimes hard to believe that I now live in the moment. I drift into the future and sometimes reminisce about the past but I never stay in either of those moments for too long; as the present moment is very important to me.

There is now a clear understanding of the “present moment” and what it truly means to be in it.

So many times in the past I have been given the education and the opportunity, yet I still missed the boat. Missing that great moment of seeing something so beautiful; because my mind wandered into areas that can be self destructive and disheartening

I see so many people who are stuck in one world or the other but cannot seem to grasp on the being here and now. That saddens me; I want to just show them a glimpse of what I know so that they would see for themselves.

Thank you for all the experiences and for all the times... I’ve missed the boat! Because of those moments; I am where I am today! Every experience has been a very valuable lesson that I can only get if I go through those crossroads and make a decision for the greater person in me.

The gift of allowing

Just recently, I have been feeling as if I’m lost and hopeless.

 
That sucked because that is not me! I am strong! “Strong as a Rhino”….BUT there are my moments where I have my weaknesses too. Yes… My emotions were flying around as if they are just there with no ties and nobody there to rein them in. Yeah I will honestly say I was checked out for a bit… Just being the droid and running through the motions of my everyday life.
BUT…in my moment of weakness I asked for help. I desperately asked for help for someone to take some of this burden that I have in my life right now. I felt as if I just couldn’t keep going like this. I honestly have been carrying all of this debt load and responsibility since my “so-called husband” … Soon to be X Husband left back in July.

Yes I have been strong but I am tired and “I” deserve a break!

So long story short…. Just a few weeks ago… I was forced. YES FORCED!!!!... By a close dear friend of mine to attend a birthday party…. Yup didn’t want to or even feel like going but I did… Had a blast! -Totally worth it and glad that I went. In all actuality I didn’t even feel the sense of guiltiness for taking some “me time”

While I was there I met a wonderful person who I believe I was supposed to meet.

In all actuality I never knew it until a few days ago when I realized that this person, my new friend was my gift, my answer to my request for help.

Not even knowing or trying and in just being who I am…. I have been able to help my friend by just being me and in return my friend is asking me to allow him to help me.

 
WOW! This means I must let my gigantic wall of defenses and independence down to allow for these actions to take place. Not comfortable by far. BUT… Doing something new is uncomfortable at first but I believe that is where change takes place.

I believe that today, once again I’m proudly wanting to share my challenges with all of you. But I really want to cast out my voice in gratefulness for the law of attraction for gifting me in which I focus on… Even in my down moments I am continually asking for the things I require most. Thank you for my new friends and of course my old friends. Thank you for the awareness of change, and the perception of knowing that all is ok no matter what is going on in this immediate moment.

Until next time...

Hang on tight because life is a bumpy but invigorating ride! 

Kim

I'm so greatful for ALL my friends!

Sometimes life has an interesting twist in store for you, you just don’t know it yet!

Maybe there are signs….. But are you open enough to be aware of those signs? Take action?

So I have been asking my husband for a divorce for quite sometime and every time I do… I am promised that things are going to get better and then that’s when the cycle started. No more empty promises for me.

So looking back on it now…. I see that the night that Tom left was NOT a Bipolar episode. (This is what I've been telling myself) I've now learned the truth. It was a breaking point! -The point of not being able to take it anymore.

Here’s my only negative energy on this….. It’s too bad that this happened the way that it did. I am very hurt because I know I deserved the respect of a conversation knowing what changes were about to happen in my and the children’s life. I’m a planner! No instead Tom leaves for a business trip and before he leaves he empties the Burlington home of stuff and doesn’t come home after the trip. He never called for 16 days! WTF! OK I’m done…..

So yes Tom and I are getting a divorce and in the beginning it was a sleep deprived whirlwind. Now that the dust is starting to settle, I have discovered many things.

For quite sometime now, I have been searching for something…. My POWER! The very thing that I educate people that we all have, we just have to feel it like a super flow of effortlessness forward motion energy. Where was my inner power? I knew that before I met Tom I was strong, confident, beautiful, and sexy. During my marriage, I lost myself in translation. How? Uhhh dunno. All I know is that I booked myself a 1 way ticket to a spiritual healing retreat. There’s something wrong with me? Baggage? Deeper Shit? What? I was searching.....

So here’s what going on for me now.

I’M BACK! BUT EVEN STRONGER.....It’s amazing to me the detour I’ve taken in life.

A divorce… I never thought it would ever happen again. The massive debt load and the pressures of being a single mother are just a few things that hinder my thoughts on occasion.

This I know… I’ve learned that in order for life to change you must FEEL it on the inside first. Only then will the universe unfold and reveal the very thing you manifested AND for the first time ever, I feel MY POWER and it’s absolutely amazing! To me it’s like a calm serene place that is filled with peace. To be connected to myself is an amazing accomplishment. Interestingly enough… The very thing that I was searching for (MY INNER POWER) was that I just needed to take the control of myself and my best interest. Which was the decision to finally move forward in divorcing Tom.Thanks Tom for leaving me. I've never been dumped before, it was kinda weird to me. ~Anyways.... To be connected feels like I'm a freight train that is at full momentum with effortlessness.

Get the hell outta my way! Cuz this girl is focusing on making this all work and recovering from this challenge. I haven't figured out what my lesson was, but it definitely is on my mind. Along with 100 other things too. I'm so glad that I can multitask!

I know in my heart and soul that I’m going to make it! Everyday I manifest more and more into my life and for once, my life it’s going as planned.

No more struggling with the stress of another person not doing their part. -Just me and my accountability.

To you and your accountability....

Kim

Feeling like a victim & I’m thankful for my awareness

In my lifetime I have been diagnosed with OCD, Bi polar, Anxiety and Depression. I’m supposed to take prescription medication but I have been able to manage myself up until now for some reason. The other day I realized that I’m telling myself over and over again that I have “those” things wrong with me and that is my excuse for my behaviors. -My mind is like a crazed lunatic running around in circles. There is no rhyme or reason within my brain and I truly want to change the cluttered noise!

Getting centered is my main focus.

I feel that I have an over abundance in responsibilities and my husband is going to take some of those off of my hands and lighten my load. That will be a big blessing.

Not too long ago I was a strong person in that… nothing stood in my way. I had a vision. I am still that person however, since my experience in Personal Development and my emotional breakthroughs of allowing the baggage to come up… I have reverted back to a lost and confused child. It’s like I’m young again in my head but my body remained the same. Who I once was and how I feel now, are like opposite ends of the spectrum. So I’m a young child in my mind that has an immense amount of responsibility because I’m really 32. I can no longer handle all those responsibility until I purge some of this emotional crap! There are in securities that came up and a sense of feeling lost and confused.

So I’m Getting centered…. To me that means meditating and getting in touch with who Kim is on the inside. -My energy! I know that without a doubt we are all connected through energy. I feel as if I’m no longer connected with myself. If I’m not connected with myself… how can I be connected with everything else??? I know that I never got the education of personal development in school back when I grew up… so how did I find the education? Honestly I realized awhile ago that I have been living my life and educating myself through those experiences. -Instead of saying why me? I now see it as what the hell was I supposed to learn this time? Sometimes it takes awhile before I understand what I was supposed to learn. Those sometimes can be the “HARD” way. At this point of my life, I believe I have the challenge that is going to be the icing on the cake in understanding of my “TRUE” power. I will honestly say that in my power that I saw not too long ago… I was faking it but it was with good intentions…. Raise my 2 boys, buy a house, no CC debt basically it was all about money. Now since I’ve released a bunch of SHIT! I must create the bridge of connecting to my truest power from within my heart. Cuz your heart is how I should live life, not by thinking my way through life. (I’ve done that my whole life) Feeling is something new that I’m realizing I never truly had. I believe that I have come to a cross roads. I believe that some true time to “ME’ is needed. Thank you to my husband Tom who is patient and understanding.

My comfort zone?

Monday, April 14, 2008

So talking with my 14yr old son the other day sparked an idea within me. I am uncomfortable in my life right now, and this journey of being in debt is captivating my fears. Am I really getting out of my comfort zone here? The funny thing is when I look back at the history of my life; we have always been financially taken care of. -Miraculously. Miraculously by the actions I chose at that moment in my life, I've always made it! Yes, thank goodness for my husband, Tom who has a different vision for our family. Yes I'll admit I definitely want more in my life. Who wouldn't? -Tom's visions are high. We have imagined with each other our path of what we do want in our life. BUT I have those limiting beliefs that have kept me in my comfort zone. "Oh we don't require that, we don't have the $$$ for it. That is why Tom and I are together. He is here as my life partner, and show me a new perspective in dreaming. Another piece of my puzzle along this journey was the Discovery series. My 56 days to destiny gave me awareness and the ability to change. I'm definitely still moving forward and have reached a new level. I just have to share with all of you…….I journaled the other day and I had a self realization. In journaling I became aware of a fear that keeps me in my comfort zone. A statement that came from my dad who still lives by this motto…. If you can't pay cash for it, then you don't really need it. This is a statement that gave my power away. I left home at 15 and in growing up without the supervision of my parents, I learned early on in life that credit is important; I chose to build my credit. My father doesn't understand that managing your credit is just as good too. Yes, it's debt but to me, it's abundance. I am learning to turn my focus to what I do have in life. I am very good with my finances, however I have the belief that I don't deserve it because I still owe money on it and I freak out! Is this a by-product of his statement of not having the money to spend? –Guilt! So I keep telling myself to start writing in my "Gratitude Journal"…… Lessons come in so many shapes and forms. Some are very painful and some are blissful. It's funny how something happens in your life and in that time, it doesn't make sense??? I'm Analytical…always trying to figure the angles….well it never works out in my favor. So I just keep moving forward in my life, and then later on, something happens that was congruent to the experience that happened earlier in my life. Like it all makes sense to me and the pieces fit together like a puzzle. I see the clues along the way. So I've learned that those clues are all part of this process of life. My journey has been bumpy and I have been a victim for most of my life. I realize, after my divorce from my 1st husband that being a victim was not a positive choice. So I changed that. Was it comfortable? No. Along the path of understanding, I have come across many life lessons. I know that being OUT of my comfortable zone is where the change takes place. ~So today is my reset day for a new beginning~ I am grateful for what I have in my life right now. I am thankful for my past experiences; yes, even the not so good feeling. They have all moved me forward somehow in my life, if not made me stronger. I am successful and I deserve it! Assets, our beautiful office, our family home on 5 acres, our toys, brand new car, my beautiful babies, my husband who helps me with the balance of life and helps with our children. -Bonus; Tom cooks too. I am grateful now that I have become aware of this belief I have with debt and desirability. The one who created us, also created abundance. I deserve everything I have in my life as I've attracted that to me. Here's to moving out of my comfort zone. Cheers! Kim

Bouncing back and forth...

It’s been a bit since I’ve blogged. Sometimes in life, I bounce back and forth between my personal journal with my thoughts and what I choose to share with all of you. Sometime ago, like in 1998, I realized that I stuffed everything. My emotions were jammed so far down as they have been down there for a reason. I remembered my past and why I stuffed it in the first place. I truly y~urned for the peace of letting go. But for me today it means something all new to me as in another life lesson. So I can’t remember if I blogged about what happened to trigger the chain reaction to answering that very question of letting go of the emotions I stuffed. Long story short.... go to www.havegratitude.com to read about that........But needless to say it was the biggest breakthrough of my life!; and the explosion of my life; for once I allowed myself to be vulnerable to allowing. Emotional stuffing was flowing out like a runny faucet. Confession: So I have returned back to church. Don’t know why; I used to go all the time until we moved. OK actually sometime before that but it’s just drama, so I skipped that detail. Bottom line probably about 6 years or so its been since I’ve been in church. I remember as a child my mother made me go to Korean church. I hated it; now I’m going back. Anyways~ I find myself drawn to going again, but since we moved an hour away, where would I go? Found a place right here in Snohomish. We like it. So every time I have gone to church I always get tears. Why? Hmmm I wish I knew but for the first few weeks I was this tough emotional stuffer and I could stop myself from crying. Last Sunday, I went to church and the tears were flowing right when we got to church, parts of church and in the end too. Crazy! I’m not sure why I cry but the message I’m getting is that I really gotta let some things go in my life.. I gotta stop trying to control what happens and allow life to happen.. I’m a bit controlsive (is that even a word) If not it’s my new word. -Controlsive at times with certain parts of my life. I’ll admit it! The number one thing I’ve got to let go is Tom’s x-wife. –Wendy Ahhh she drives me crazy. I totally give her all my power at times. I love Tommy and Tabi as if they were born from my womb. I believe that I’ve been placed together with Tom for many reasons. Tabi is an emotional stuffer, Tommy has com eout of his protective state and is taking more chances. Yet Wendy takes my internal power from me. Actually I give it to her with the anger I carry about who she is. My opinion as a mother….She does not care about her children’s emotions, and she is very controlling. Ooh she just breaks my heart. I guess you can say maybe I see part of me in her. She is scared of everything -like never takes risks. BORING! No it’s not that part.... It’s the controlling part... When I met Tom my relationship with my x husband -Joe was horrible. Very conflictive. I was doing what Wendy is doing with her parenting plan with Tom and my S-kids. That was me when I met Tom. Hmmm back in 2004. I was the biggest bitch to Joe. Yeah I couldn’t let go of the pain and hurt I endured from that relationship. Talk about controlling, glad I got out of that relationship when I did........ Bottom line was I saw how it affected Tommy and Tabi not being with their dad and being super strict about the Parenting Plan. So I let go of my crap and moved on. Joe and I now get along great! We spend time together with CJ on his birthdays, we communicate and I am still able to be in my power and have boundaries. So I’ve learned to let go from some lessons in my life but Tommy and Tabi have a mother who was just like me. Wendy continues to use her victimization to hide behind. It sucks because as children we all learn what we are exposed to. Learned behaviors..... Tommy and Tabi want to spend more time with dad and mom says NO, even though she is not there .75% of the time because she is at work... Enough ranting already! She is the biggest challenge I have right now. That is just one thing I gotta let go…. -Letting Wendy go. -I feel sorry for her actually. There is such a wonderful life out there to be thankful for instead of always being so closed and hidden. Being the victim isn’t giving attention to a good choice in life. Been there done that! I used to be like that and in some ways I still am but I’m thankful for the awareness in seeing my growth within myself through someone else. My question is how do I let her go? I think that is why I’m so drawn to church and god right now. I want him to take that over for me as it hinders the sunshine I have within myself. It’s funny about the lessons I have learned in the past 3 years….. I know now that I deserve the things I have in my life. I never used to feel that way. Right now actually I am still amazed at where I am in life and how the heck I got here. It was very bumpy ride and I now believe that anything is possible. I just have to be in the right state of mind. Allowing the emotional roller coaster out has been a challenge for me to stay in the right mind. I know that I cannot tackle this myself so I’m turning it over to the pro. -GOD Since were on the subject of letting go…. that is what I’ve allowed myself to do to myself. Yeah! I may be a size 2 but it’s a bit of flab. I wonder what my body fat is. That’s a good thought I think I will have that checked out. (Shock Factor?) Nah I still am hot! Well I know that if I truly want it then I will do it. Taking care of my body has been on the top of my thoughts for about 5 months. I’ve started walking 3 miles with Tom in the morning. It’s so nice now that we both can be at home and work our own schedule. BONUS: To have Spring rolling around with sunny and earlier mornings is a good thing right now. I cannot stand the winters here in dark ass Washington. Spring is coming and so is the sun and maybe some warmer weather too. I know that there is more there that I have to let go…. But for now I am knocking out the most important ones to me. In my experience…. I’ve walked on 50 feet of burning hot 1500 degree coals, broke an arrow on my throat, and bent rebar with the softer part of my throat. See pics at www.getmeoutofmyjob.com I truly understand the power of the mind. I’m still learning how to harness that power! I’ve used the power to do many great things in my past, and I’m excited for the life that is in the future. Thank you as myself and my family are very blessed.

Deep seeded in my head? Where??

When someone touches me in a, oh so good spot things in my life start feeling uncomfortable. -Normal things between married couples. But for me, all I hear is my mother saying how I'm a dirty little girl. Wow, to come to understand why I feel uncomfortable about what your husband does is normal. I just have this belief that touching me sexually is a dirty thing. Really what that boils down to is that my mother taught me that. Tom to touch me and love me is ok because I like it. To shed the belief that I now understand, I must learn to love and allow. I like it when you rub my luscious lips. I love it when you are freshly shaven. I love that you can cook, I love your bald head, and I love and admire your passion for being successful. -I love you.

Deep seeded things that I never really understood, until now. Who would've ever dreamed that some of the things you do today are a direct correlation to some of your past. Huh? I'm still learning more about me here. Talk about an awakening to something much deeper though. This means that we hold ourselves back because of some of the beliefs we were labeled with as a child. This can be detrimental and devastating. Sheesh, its tough enough just growing up as a kid. Something that someone once said to you and; with that person's belief, they judged you and I guess it tends to stick for some reason. That's what we get for looking up to our peers or our parents. Who'd ever known that! Definitely NOT ME! Until now…. What I learned a long time ago and I've always called it… Generational Error. –The things we get from our parents, the things they got from their parents, and the things they got from their parents, and so on…. -This vicious cycle. I'm thankful of my awareness' to some of the reasons why I tell Tom no. I've learned so many things from my parents. I'm so thankful that my parents taught me things that I'd never want my children to experience because I remember the way it made me feel. I'm thankful for some of the lessons I was taught by "the hard way" because that changed my life in a dramatic way. AND a BIG THANK YOU again for the challenges you put forth with those deep seeded thoughts I have. They have taught me that what I like is all that matters, and its ok. I am learning the aspect of allowing things to happen. You know they say go with the flow….. Tom said it the other day in talking to me about riding the flow of life. He likes it mellow and I like it with determinate, speed. I'm learning about allowing the change to flow within me from the core of what I want. By the way I'm still figuring out me right now, what I want is next, I promise.