Not even a jar

The other day, I went to go open the jar of tea, and I shed a few tears trying to open it. I think I tried opening it 3 or 4 times before I finally got it open. Awakening moment of how weak certain parts of my body are. Although today I shoveled dirt, moved some small rocks, planted about 10 plants and helped with the fire. It's because I utilized my plant medicine to provide me a boost. I'm sure my muscles will feel that tomorrow!

I am ready to get in the pool a couple days a week, after work. Get my body back into shape. Slowly floating in my main element. I miss floating in the water!

New Job

Workplace dynamic is a must and I feel that I've bounced around. I've made a few friends along the way, but ultimately never was satisfied with the people AND the job. Until now. I finally have landed at a company where I feel supported, It's keeping me busy; too busy. More than I would like, but I have an assistant who does a lot. A new job usually isn't because someone is retiring. I'm mostly there to "fix" something. I enjoy the challenge! Definitely see a difference in how long my energy lasts and having to slow down is a forceful situation at times. Naturally, my body let's me know if I am over doing it. 

Tired, but an improvement

Before, if I over did it, I would get severely sick. Don't move kinda sick. But now, it's more like... super, super tired! I say that's an improvement. Definitely slowing me down!

My plant teacher helps me eat better, but still barely eating. Definitely no large meals, unless I get the munchies.

Don’t do it!

I was given the opportunity to take all the time I needed to ensure that I was ultimately ready to go back to work. Amazingly still pinching myself, and grateful to have been chosen for this position.

I was very excited to start this new job but scared at the same time. My energy is still not 100%, it’s barely 50%. The heat drains my energy like a tipped over glass of water pouring out rapidly and I wasn’t sure that I could make it a full day.

Honestly, one never goes into a new position because things are in order and all is well, unless you are the successor of the one who may be leaving and that is not the case with this job. Which is a-okay as coming in and fixing things is right in my wheelhouse, which I thoroughly enjoy! Nerve racking, but nonetheless, love it!

I came into the first day with a plan, and that quickly was tarnished as I began to discover just how bad things are in the office. As the days continued, the plan evolved, but was muddled with all the inefficiencies and inorganization lingering over my office. My only solution was to come into the office on a day that I could have uninterrupted time to get through all the papers in the office. I needed things to get organized, right now. So, I planned to come in on Saturday to make this a reality.

Here’s the caveat, do not allow the new job to get you back to the hustle and bustle of being busy!

Do not allow the new job to take over your life!

Do not give, give, give without having the balance of keeping things slow and steady.

Awareness to ensure that I take things slow! -Thank you!

Cancer made me!

How does a person go from doing, to being? AND what does that even look like? I thought, so I am going to have to change who I am to the core? WTF. How else would I go from doing to being?

So lost, but in allowing that question to unfold, without taking any action, I soon realized that I don’t have to CHANGE everything about myself or who I am. I feel that a shift would allow me to still be me, openly be the change that is needed to be.

I realized that I could slowly do the things that need to be done without rushing or placing any imagined deadlines upon myself. What a shift that has made in how I am approaching things.

I am so grateful for allowing myself the time and space when asking, questioning, and seeking the changes I want to start making.

I am so grateful for the cancer that has MADE me stop in my tracks. I’d been asking for life to slow down, but never ACTUALLY doing anything about it, so the universe made that happen for me!

I am stubborn and never really put me first. This experience has changed my perspective. Thank you for life’s little, sometimes BIG gifts! I appreciate the renewed awareness of what needs to be.

Surrendering

It is amazing to me that I am continuing to fight with myself. Surrendering to not having the energy to be myself and do the things that I'd like to do. Mostly outside, working in my yard, but nonetheless. Stopped in my tracks!

Does this mean that there must be a "new" me? I must surrender to the old ways of living my life to realigning to the new me? New me? What does that mean? No matter what is happening... I feel the shift happening within my soul and now, more than ever... I am ready for it!

My entire life, I have had to be on survival mode. Yes, that's right... as child to survive my parents neglect & abuse, as a teenager to survive leaving home and make it on my own, and so and so on. I won't get into that as that is not what I want to talk about. For me, that meant... always living my life through the masculinity and staying tough to survive. Not feeling like a victim of it, just recognizing the necessity of not living my life through my femininity. 

Just recently, even though I've have had discussions before with Brian... he reminded me again that... My entire life, I've lived through my masculinity, but the conscious shift has organically been happening within my soul in shifting to living my life through femininity. I don't understand what that feels like or what that even means. 

During my last session, I asked Brian. He helped my understand that masculinity is doing and femininity is feeling. What an ah ha moment!!!

Over the past few years, I have been feeling the shift of doing things that "feel" good vs just being a good soldier and do what I'm told without challenge. Don't get me wrong, I'm still "doing", but definitely feeling has been more in the forefront of all my decisions. 

So grateful for the teachers in my life and the openness in allowing the messages to be received. Thank you!

Replenishing my body

Weeks leading up to my cancer treatment, my doctors advised that I needed to stop all my vitamins. It was described as the best policy to ensure that the cancer treatment would be the only thing running through my body with no interference. Okay, trusting the doctors to know best. I followed their instructions. 

A week into treatment, my hot  flashes returned and they were fierce. I was able to get permission to start taking the herbs for those symptoms. Thank goodness! I was miserable!

Here we are, post cancer treatment. My flora is so messed up, along with my anemia! I am so happy that this is week one of getting back on my vitamins and getting back on a probiotic to get my body back in balance. Thank you for the cancer treatment in ridding the toxic parts that need to be evicted, but so grateful that, things are now in my rear view. I am so happy to be feeling like I am turning the corner in my health. 

Super focused on health and cannot wait to get back to the gym! I am SOOOOO ready, but my body is not. Not yet, but when I am... watch out, I am coming back hard. Not killing myself, but definitely challenging myself in order to build the muscle back.

Outside yesterday to play

My mom has officially made her way back home. That means that I have to do all the work now as Jason is out of town in Chicago until late Wednesday. 

I made it outside to do some watering in the early afternoon, it was hot! I only was outside for a short bit before returning back inside to cool down. But at about 6pm... I headed outside to start watering the newly planted plants. It was nice, not that hot; kinda cool, but lovely!

While I was able to water all the dapple willows, I made my way down to the lower end of the driveway and fixed the rocks where the dirt was starting to flow over into the driveway. I always have fun playing with my two favorite elements. Glad my energy is starting to see some gains.

So grateful for my mom!

I remember looking out my window in May, right after surgery and thinking... so many weeds outside, every where in my yard! AND I cannot even get out there since I just had this tumor removed. I will be able to get out there soon, but according to the doctors... during cancer treatment, I will lose my energy at some point. 

In June, I was able to get outside and help weed with my mom. I was still working FT in office and only could do anything on the weekends. I quickly discovered that I only had enough energy to work hard 1 day and the other weekend, day... I was not feeling well, or found that I had no energy. It was only a matter of weeks before I didn't have any energy to do much of anything, any day. Let alone, working out in my yard, pulling weeds, planting plants and fixing up the yard this season. 

All the credit goes to my mother who was outside, every day... by dawn; as it was the coolest part of the day. Sometimes before it was even light outside and would work outside using the shop "porch light" to use the wheel barrow to mix potting soil and dirt, modified for planting the new dapple willows. She is amazing! I am so grateful for her!

This was hard for me... letting someone else get out there and do that HARD work without me lifting a finger. I would feel so bad that I couldn't get out there to help her, but all the credit for my yard this year is to my mom. The yard is beautiful. Added a good chunk of plants, fixed other parts of the yard, but she did all the weeding. That is no easy feat... It's roughly almost 2 acres of hard work. 

I would try to bring her water outside, since it was so hot outside, but she was pretty good to come in and take breaks to cool down. But she would get out there in her boots, gloves and her sun hat. Amazing how much she did!

I also want to give credit to my kiddo, Tyler. He works a ton and despite his hard schedule, he still made the time to come out and help my mom. Jason too, but it meant the world to me that my son made time to come and help me! I love all of you guys, so, so much!!!

Thank you!

My skin is so angry with me. OMG!

So last week was a moment of reality that I had too much on my plate and that I could barely hang on too all of it. Not to mention the need to work remotely. So much has changed. I gave notice to leave my job.

Their policy is to separate, cut all ties... right away. To longer be attached to my employer... NICE! -relieved as I don't think I could've mustered energy to train, update and explain stuff. So I'm grateful. Brutal if I had to stay on, but a relief in finishing that chapter.  -How many chapters would be in a book of all my experiences?  -Now I'm curious!

Anywhoo... Doing what I need to do with sitz baths... better in my own bathroom. My rectum has like this ring of fire where the skin around my rectum is burnt/red/swollen and so angry with me! I am applying Vaseline to the dried out areas, but doing what is necessary in helping me find comfort during this experience has been a learning experience. Whoa!

Vicious Cyle

I absolutely hate that I am taking drugs for this cancer! Necessary, but still hate it!

I am in week 3 of this 6 week bout with the medicinal & radiation regimen and the vicious cycle has already begun. Chemo pills for the cancer, nausea meds so I can eat. Although, I still am not able to eat a lot of the foods I love. They just make me sick thinking about it, let alone smelling it. Fluconazole for the imbalanced flora and  now a new medicine for the UTI symptoms that are starting to arise. I haven't picked up this prescription, yet... but it is supposed to numb your bladder. OMG. 

Short term, short term, short term... this is what I keep saying to myself, but I HATE IT SOOOOOOOO much! 

Grateful for the modern medicine to eliminate this cancer, but not happy at the present moment. Trying to stay grateful and keep a positive open mind about this process. 

ANGRY!

Sunday I was outside digging up the bee balm from the yard as we are moving it to another part of the yard. As I was digging the new holes, I discovered a few areas that were a bit rocky that required a bigger tool that would cut through the rock. When I got to the last few holes, there was a section that I feel were just pure rock! Nonetheless that didn't stop me from continuing to try to dig the hole. I got through 2 and as I was swinging this tool into the third one, I felt the burning fire of anger, almost rage... go through my body, then tears broke through.

So ANGRY at this CANCER! Why me? Why now? I cannot understand, as I am SOOOOO careful of my body. Truthfully careless in my younger years through my early 30's, but the later part of my life. So picky of the things that I put into my body. Food, no western medicine, but definitely cannot say that I am not guilty of smoking my plant medicine. Not so much anymore as I feel I have outgrown all that, but still I cannot understand why me? How did this happen? No one can answer that question, not even the doctors. They tell me, that I did everything right! Nonetheless, I accept it. Doesn't mean that I cannot feel the anger of this situation. 

Grateful for my  session with Brian today! 

Before my session, I could feel the lining of anger, tears and deep emotions that were at the surface, just awaiting to be released. I couldn't even take a deep breath; trust me I tried too. 

After my incredible session, I could feel that I had moved through the anger in acceptance and the emotional tears were falling down my face at many moments throughout the remainder of the day. Thankful for the emotional tears. I will accept my situation with the loving grace of my soul in knowing that the gifts from this situation will be presented at the right time. Maybe the gift of slowing down. Maybe the gift of learning to trust others in my care. Maybe the gift of ???? --I just don't know, but... Thank you! 

Still trusting the process and giving up the control to the greater powers above that clearly have a plan for me! I will remain open to allowing these gifts to be received with an open heart.-Thank you!

Realization to slow to down

So this weekend I worked out in the yard, weeding the hedges. OMG, there was so many weeds! But in all fairness, it hadn't been weeded all year long and was in pretty bad shape. Good news is that it's done. With my mother's help, of course! But teamwork makes the dream work. So thankful for her being here!

I realize that in the prior months, I was able to work out in the yard all day. Break for lunch of course, but still 8-10 hours outside. MMMM labor of love, really! Now, nope... maybe 3 hours tops and I'm wiped.

This Cancer is forcing me to slow down and not do as much. Not really liking this, but FOR YEARS... I've been saying and blogging about how I need to slow down. Whoa, proof that the universe DOES work in it's own timing and grant the things that are in your purview. Thank you to law of attraction for MAKING me slow down. Not the way I would've ever seen it coming into fruition, but it IS forcing me to slow down as I wanted. So, thank you!

Careful what you ask for!

Looking back and Reflecting

Today I spent some time in going back to "tag" some of my old posts. Amazing to see the progress of my growth, Really truly amazing in how I have blossomed from the victim, to loving the gifts in life that are given to me. Actually, feeling blessed to have my eyes & heart open and seeing... feeling those things. 

It was also a gentle reminder in some of the stepping stones that have brought me to where I am today! Definitely progress! Kudos to me. Good job Kim! 

Reflecting back, I can see that sometimes I wrote to the outside, as if people read this blog and would actually respond. Other posts are confessions of things, experiences and feelings in how I was doing in that given moment. 

I am truly feeling blessed in starting this blog so long ago as it has allowed me to get to a place where I share these things out loud, no longer in a private journal. I must admit that at times, when things are good... I feel guilty for not blogging, but I know now that.. those are the times that life is just rolling along and the need to express myself or document things is not prevalent, and that is okay!

Thank you for this tool and thank you for all the gifts that have been given, received. I am grateful!

Day 10 of 30

So grateful for the wisdom of being connected with my own body!

I can remember the days where I was living my life, with disconnection. Seeking outward attention and not loving myself. I would have the illusion of "saying" that I love myself, but I know now, I wasn't truly loving myself! With all honesty, I still have a bit to go as I still am hard on myself about my own body "image", but the connection to my body, now... is amazing! As time passes, the connection becomes deeper and deeper -Thank you!

Here we are at day 10. So grateful for the ability to eat food, having the ability to be gentle with myself and be in love with the healing of this cancer. Finding the balance to what works, has been the key and I am so grateful for this gift in having the ability to see this as a gift. 

So many people that I have spoken with are in shock that I am still working full time, that I am handling these appointments on my own, I am still working out in my yard on the weekends, I am doing me! I don't understand... shall I be a victim of this experience? Honestly, everything is a choice, and I choose to not ALLOW this to change me or sway be into that mentality. Don't get me wrong, I have my lower level days, where shit is not good, but I am a survivor and I will prevail. So with that being said. 

Happy Friday to the day today and here's to week 2, done! -Well, almost... but you get the point. Tomorrow brings a weekend break and a breathe of normalcy for a hot minute. So welcoming, so grateful!

Cheers!

Amazingly Happy

So happy that this week has been a normal week. No nausea. A bit here and there, but not like it was in week one. So far so good. I really want to not take the nausea meds and maybe next week, I will get brave enough to skip taking the meds and see what happens. Honestly, it has been so nice to have a normal schedule and eating habits, that I ALMOST don't want to mess with what is working. Oh and I've gained 5 pounds back. If I am going to lose weight, it needs to be the healthy way. So happy!

My session with Brian on Tuesday was amazing. Definitely a break through of "something" not sure what, and I don't have to know or understand, but grateful for it. My spirit feels different this week. I feel so happy, amazing! So grateful for my health and the people who are showing up to "check-in" on me. 

Honestly, I have been feeling tired in the afternoons, but definitely ensure that I am in bed early and sleeping as much as needed. Thankful to my body for showing me what it needs. Thankful, thankful, thankful. 

Trusting the process and remembering to stay grateful through it all!

Thank you!

So as suspected, I had a great day yesterday after the morning nausea wore off. Of course I took the nausea meds to help that along, but what a day yesterday! I got SOOOOOO much done!

Not only did I finally (not by myself) get all the 18 tons of rock moved, I was able to finish the steps for the trail down below AND I was able to (with Tyler's help) get the driveway fixed from the last winters over flooding of waters that drowned the rocks for the drainage. It looks so much better and I feel that with the revealing of what the water wants to do and what I want... we have found the right balance so we both can be happy! -YAY, and only time will tell until the next big storm comes along, but I'm confident. 

Tyler made such an AMAZING meal for dinner. I ate SO much and was SO, SO, SO happy that I could eat. Meat give's me the hardest time to eat. It is just grossing me out!!!! But I ate a good portion of smoked chicken breast. Yum and thankful to Jason who is an expert with this smoker!

Here's my thought: I have to take these chemo pills, every 12 hours and since last week didn't go so well, I am going to make a shift in this schedule. Oh, and I got permission to get back on the herbs for my menopausal symptoms. Thank goodness! I had finally and that under control for the last year and having those come back... not fun!!!!!!!!!!!!! -So this week, I will try something else.

Get up in the morning as I usually do, and take my herbs with 20oz of water. Eat a light breakfast and then at 6:45am take the nausea medicine and then at 7am take the chemo with another 20oz of water. Let's see how this week goes! But that is the plan. 

Still trusting the process, but finding the balance in everything!

3:30am, like clock work

I know that I must have blogged about this before, but it seems that 3:30am is the magic number of when I wake up. It was fine when I was going to the gym, but I am not going to the gym and haven't been for 5 months now. 

I do not like that I haven't been tot he gym. Definitely starting to lose muscle, but  working outside in my yard, is enough, right now! I will get back to it, but during cancer treatment... I will be going only to the necessary places as I do not want to risk my health, since my immune system will be "weakened" by treatment. ---Off topic tangent!

Why am I still waking up. What does my body want? I just don't know, but am hoping that in time, it will be revealed. 

Loving life and ensuring that I am focusing on JOY! 

I WILL beat this Cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gratitude for life and everything that is happening. -Thank you!

What brings you joy?

Thanks Brian for holding me accountable. Awareness to a deeper connection.

So this has been on my mind and I feel that I have been overthinking it. Totally. I had to think of it differently to make the connection. 

So for me, it's what makes me smile? I have been catching myself smiling in the activities, tasks, chores, things that are in my life. --Things like:

Family, especially J, we compliment each other so well in our relationship. Love the kids, who are not kids anymore.

Gardening, labor of love! Recognized the smile as I was outside yesterday, digging up weeds and over sprayed hydroseeded grass... got a good workout and the colors are coming together nicely. Ahhh, labor of love. Can't wait to see the landscaping in 3-5 years, it's a long term plan. 

Roux & Mia, dog poo is not my favorite thing to do, but playing with the dogs is fun!

Food, not only eating it, but cooking it too! I loooove good food. 

Rocks, boy, do I LOVE rocks! I have favs from the different states I've lived in. Certain Wood Logs and BAGS of rocks have made moves across the country as we've moved around. Cannot wait to set up all these things as I landscape this huge yard!

Blogging, I started out with journals even further back than this blog goes. Those paper written journals are long lost. I noticed in looking back in my 16 years of blogs... I have a ton of which are not hash-tagged. I can recognize the pattern in years I had some kind of initiation in my life. Looking back allowed me see the progress. Some of it has been AMAZING progress.  

This is heavy on my heart and my mind. If it doesn't bring me joy, then I need to re-think it. Do only the things that bring you joy! --But in my mind, you can't have joy all the time. Right? Stuff happens.

Still processing the other stuff, but for now as I work through this next experience in my life... I need to do MORE of what brings a smile to my face.

All done!

Working at a slow pace, and still managed to get the lilies all weeded. Definitely some casualties along the way, but the weeding is done! Yay!!!

Looks like I need to divide some of them up to replace the dozen-ish we lost. I think, there is over 800 lilies out there along the driveway from last years planting. I cannot remember, but it was A LOT!

They will be so beautiful by next season! They are already blooming and very fragrant. Love them!