Heavy on my heart and can’t breathe!

For weeks… months now, I feel as if there is a heavy weight on my chest! I have had a hard time taking (easy) deep breaths. My breathing has been shallow. I feel like I must really work, contort, and stretch to expand enough to reach that deep breath. If I take a second and spend time on some energy breath work it has helped, but each day, it returns to being constricted. I have been feeling sad, weak, helpless, hateful, not of self-love, self-care, and deeply ungrateful. I have been feeling like a victim. I have felt as if, I have not been enough. I do not know why? I do not know what is going on; honestly, I had no idea! Until today! I realized there is still pain, sadness and becoming aware has allowed me to recognize it, so that I may process through it.

I am angry at my previous employer, but mostly at myself. All they did, and I allowed it; was to take, take and take… and for what? Trade my life’s spirit and soul for money. Why did I allow them, NO, why did I allow myself to let this happen? What was I trying to prove? And to who? them or myself? It is funny how past baggage shows up (again and again) In the end, I felt hopeless. Why did I get so emotional? Why do I keep replaying things over and over? The conversation with myself on this has shifted, but it is still there. It feels like the stages of grief. I have pain here, and it has been festering for quite some time. I have not been able to see it. I do not think I was ready to. Until today, now that it no longer serves me and has festered to the boiling point… like a volcano, it has blown. I no longer choose that filter and I choose to see things more clearly. For too long I have been internalizing it, and the results of that has been self-sabotaging myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I realize now that I need to take my power back on this. It was a good spiritual decision to get out of there!

Hindsight: why am I so angry, I should be happy about this, but I am not. I am hurt. I feel as if there is a deeper lesson on life in this situation. I feel as if this is deeper and purging whatever this is will help me find that. Thank you for the awareness, and I will do everything in my power to go through these emotions, feel every inch, corner, and crevice to allow myself my personal, physical, emotional and spiritual freedom.

Cheers to the journey!

CLARIFICATION PLEASE!

I have never worked in a position where someone has taken away my power and made me feel like a squished bug! I deserve better. I am an asset, I am a dedicated team player and I will not tolerate this. This has gone on enough. Time to dig in!

Oh, I just have to get into my house, I have 2 more weeks of crazy… remodeling, moving, and cleaning happening. Then… I can turn on all of my focus in the areas that matter the most. AND right now that is getting grounded and digging deep into some greater questions about my future.

I am so ready! If this continues, I’m going to break. Break down? Break out? Fuck, I feel like I’m everywhere but at the same time… nowhere! I’m so not grounded, I’m so frazzled!

I’ve got to change that soon, or it’s not going to be pretty.