Sharing my JOURNEY....

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Funky funk!

I’ve been so busy at work that I was working 7 days a week for… weeks! Granted Sunday was from home, but it was still work. Tirelessly I forged forward. I thought I will keep going until vacation comes, and then make the shift. So, I pushed, and pushed, and now… vacation has come and gone. It was 3 days of no work, no cell phone, and a whole lotta nothing! It was nice, but way too short. Too short in fact that I’m still tired. BUT am I tired, or just burnt out?

Honestly, I’m burnt out! I feel like I’m in a funk. Deep into this abyss of not caring what I eat, If I shower or do anything that really needs to get done. I am not motivated, and I just can’t make myself flip this switch. It feels as if I am just moving through the motions of day to day, but no plan in place. I feel tears arising as I write this, and I’m not even sure why, or what’s going on, but if writing this, and allowing the tears to shed help, then please let the waterworks flow.

Oh God, I am not sure how I let this happen, but can you please bring me back to myself? I cannot continue down this path. I feel like shit. I don’t feel like myself. I can fake it, but that’s exhausting! I understand that I put too much pressure on myself in keeping things aligned, and I let it go too far this time. I know that not going to the gym is contributing to this. I know that my eating my feelings isn’t helping. I know that I should do something, but for some reason can’t. It’s my excuse and I own that, but I feel like this funk has its hold on me, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Please god help me. Please give me the strength to get out of this. I know that I need a break, and I know that something must change. I am not trying very hard, I am just saying that I need too, but no actions are taking place. Please god help me. Please give me the strength to find my peace with this so I can move past whatever this is. I know that I let it go too far, despite all the warnings. I am sorry!

My promise to myself is to do something “quiet” for 30 minutes a day. Give my mind the rest of emptiness. Continue to get weekly entrainments and find a sense of peacefulness and stillness for myself. 30 minutes!

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Are you grateful?

Honestly, I feel grateful every day. Some days more so than others but a long time ago, I discovered how life is so short. In a split-second, things could change and the once daily lifestyle you once knew can be changed forever.

Over the past few decades, I’ve been through some tragic experiences, and for many years, I was in a state of conscientious that was really a feeling of being outside of myself; wondering in awe on how these things could happen to me. That was my reality then, and now… due to some amazing people, and experiences in my life. I’ve done some very hard work. Some of it has been very painful to go through, some of it has been invigorating, some of it has been very effortless, and all of it has been very educational!

Honestly, the past year has been very overwhelming, and I haven’t truly been myself. I've had my moments, but my job has consumed me, and the important things to me have fell by the wayside. I’ve previously blogged about that and won’t go there again… but today I can feel the tears of joy coming back around again. It feels so good to feel that the Calvary has arrived, and relief is coming. I feel the energy of life coming through my body, and the joy of feeling truly grateful of yesterday, today and all the tomorrows to come. Truly grateful for everything!!!!

Therefore, I wanted to celebrate life with open arms, and love the moment for what it is. I wanted to share it with the world and my friends.

No matter how bad it gets, no matter what you feel today… remember to be grateful for this and every moment. Remember that if you give the energy to the things you want, then the universe will unfold it for you. Effortlessly!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love it!


Ever make a promise to yourself…

I remember not to long ago when I promised that I would not allow my job to overrun my life. I truly wanted to have balance. Well here I am again; my job has taken over. Why? How?

I feel like I am at a point in my life where, I’ve raised my kids. They are clear across the other side of the country, and their boys, so I never really hear from them as they are busy with their own lives. I’m thankful that they are independent and have their stuff all figured out. As to me, I have finished my education as far as I want to take it, and now it’s about my career, myself, and my relationships with others.

I started working with this company as an Office Manager, but the plan was that I would eventually step into the position of the Controller, once the Controller had left. So that has happened, and it’s amazing the things you find out when that other person leaves. Or shall I say how many things, I didn’t know about. I’m a fighter, and I jumped in with both feet. My challenge is that my staff are time clock watchers, and I feel that if you focused on the job instead of what time it was, then you would be more productive. So, since my staff are more about working their exact shift, it leaves the burden of the department on me. I’m the boss, I get paid the “big bucks” therefore the necessity of the department is my responsibility. What is upsetting, is that I’ve allowed it to get this far before I made changes. I’ve allowed it to overrun my life, my schedule, and intrude on those important things in my life. The past few months of changes have made my department very disruptive, and I’ve had times where I was in tears. That was a learning experience! Well, a few weeks ago, I decided that enough was enough, I was done. I’ve decided to become clear in what I want! AND I have… and when I did… the right people crossed my path.

The good news, is that I’ve finally hired someone to relieve me from the stress load of this job, I have a lot of things to do, and a longer of list of tasks that need to get handled, but I’m super excited for the transition, and happy that transition is on it’s way.

This is to me, for having the awareness that things aren’t right, and things need to change. This is to me, for having the wisdom to recognize that old patterns are… no, have creeped back into my life and it’s time to reclaim it back.

I have a short vacation planned for next week, another short cruise to the Bahamas, and an opportunity to jumpstart this change of reclaiming my “personal” life back.

Cheers to having a Saturday off, and some of my energy back to doing more of the things I love to do.