Out of control with “IT”

Justifying it… isn’t working anymore. I can see the effects, and can no longer have this in my life.

Why does it have a hold over me? Why do you have my power? “Tears forming” Why do you have my self-control? Is it really the last string I’m holding onto? –Seems to strike a nerve.

Right now it feels as if I’m allowing this power over me, and I’m out of control when I engage with it. If it’s here… I find myself drawn in. Limitations aren’t working. My sloppy choices after the fact are no longer serving the goals I have. 

More tears… and my tears are filled with you, glimpses of things I remember. Honestly, I barely remember you anymore. I remember how tall you were, I remember your face. Those blue eyes, curly hair and your laugh. This dates back to 1995, and the truth of the matter is… I must let go. IT is no longer serving me. Engaging with it leaves me feeling out of control. 

It’s time. Time to get deeper into the seriousness of me. Why am I so drawn to do those things? Those things that no longer serve me. Why do I allow anyone or anything to take my power away; self-control, and values?

This has been something that has been bubbling since 2000, and I must STOP! But you have a hold over me, which I cannot even begin to explain AND I feel that both are connected on some level.

I know what this is, and it’s becoming clearer. It’s no longer congruent and has moved to the forefront of my mind. So, now that I’m aware… I need to ask myself some deeper questions. Intentional questions. 

Baby steps? I believe the answers will be in those deeper, more intentional questions.

 

·        >>I challenge myself to find balance with everything I do. I’m a divided pie and each slice represents how I allocate every second of the time I’m given here on this majestic mother earth.

·       >>I challenge myself to just jump and trust that just like working out… It’s going to be hard focused work to reach those goals, and with each step… the goal becomes closer.

Boundaries

In life, we all have and make, choices. ALL THE TIME! Right?

At some point along the way, you start to evolve (I think that most of us do) and things become different. Perspectives change. You just have certain boundaries that become non-negotiable no matter what. Unless… you slip up. 

Oh, that happens, and for me… it’s happened m-a-n-y times.

Lately, I’ve swayed away from those I’ve set for myself.

Time moves forward, and slowly creeping in, are behaviors that are against my moral values. --I’ve allowed someone to take my power.  >>>>>Ugh… so, I’m here again.

This looks all too familiar. Geesh… I know I’ve blogged about this a time or two, and apparently… I’m here again.         -----Yay… thank you awareness.

Okay, well…my numero uno rule is… If I engage with another person, or people… everyone should be respectful. I get that we all poke and jab at each other, jokingly, but don’t talk down to me. Don’t belittle me, or others in a demeaning manor. Don’t project your “stuff” on me. PERIOD!

Is dealing with that, worth the trade? 

My highest ideal is… u work on u, and I’ll work on me. Together you can nurture a relationship, and I believe strongly that work is work, and play is play. You don’t date who you work or do business with, set goals, never loan out money, be faithful, have gratitude, give yourself permission, accept acceptance, conquer your fears, stay focused and celebrate love. 

I could probably keep listing out so many of the things I believe in, but I want to keep this short.

Bottom line is… I’m aware now! >>> I’m allowing you to project your crap, and disrespect me, I’m allowing you to take my power from me. 

Hmmm, not no more!

I feel that some people are in denial about certain behaviors. For those people; like my boss, change may have to be something that is forced through a catastrophic event. -AND that's sad to me. Why not become aware and be the change.

The truth is... I know that some people are just not exposed to the openness of the universal energies. Or has, and believes it to be hokey jokey. Again, not open.

Fight for wat you want

So many times I find myself fighting for others.

When I was younger... fight to make your parents happy.
When I had children... fight to do whatever it takes to make a "happy" life for your children.
Relationship... fight for each other. Do whatever it takes to make it work!

Now it's my turn!

For so long I've wanted to work on me, but the distractions of life and life with children sometimes made that a challenge. So I put myself on hold. Now that my children are no longer at home... it's time... I have made the conscience decision to fight for "me" -Time to love, cherish and encourage myself to be me. Whatever that is.

But in looking through the looking glass, I've just recently discovered that I can't split myself between a relationship and wholeheartedly work on myself. I feel that I am selfish, and ignoring those around me who love me. Bottom line... I can no longer divide myself into different parts. Trust me, I've tried! I just cannot go on like this anymore!!!!!

Today is the day I've finally decided to stop! It's time to stand up for me. Not my relationship, but for me. If that means that I'm alone, then so be it, but I cannot go on like this any longer.

I HAVE to stop splitting myself up between my relationship and myself. It's time to free myself from the straps of being able to live freely and love myself deeply and wholeheartedly.

This is painful, but I think it's best. The saying is... if you love someone so much, set them free.

Timing is everything, and even though I have spent many years in trying... I just can't do it any longer.

I'm done!

Passion

Oh, how those luscious soft lips feel against mine. I miss you! I miss the passion! I miss us! 

The longing of the sensual touch of your tongue against my lips as you gently run along my mouth. I long for the gentleness that is exchanged between us, and I miss feeling the radiant passion between us. 

Oh, how I’ve missed you!

LOVING LIFE!!!!!

Today I just want to celebrate life. Loving what is, and having appreciation for everything and everyone who shares it with me. -Thank you!

It's sad to me that this world can be so cruel. Maybe not the world itself, but the people who live in it; people's choices can have a large ripple effect on others. If only this world and all it's people could live a life of love, compassion, and encouragement. Maybe it's the hippie in me, but one can wish.

I hope that today you take a moment to love life, live life, and have gratitude for even the smallest things.

Love and Light!

40th what???

Why is it that I was so looking forward to my 40^th....? ---So many things are evolving in my life right now. I feel so “up” --Kind of like… I’m floating around trying to find where I fit. It feels soooo good!

Was it the day itself? Was it a milestone? Anticipation? Who was going to call me? Was my mom going to sing me HB? Who was going to post on FB. All I can say... the highlight of my day was the rock'n entrainment from Dr. Mark. The day was amazing. The one thing that surprised me the most were the shoes and the cupcakes; okay that’s two things! What? Not ice cream cake??? Cupcakes are my… Kryptonite. You guys rock!

I love all the beautiful people around me right now, they made it very special. 

Love and Light!

Gung Ho!

Yesterday I rocked it! Honestly, I cannot remember a time when I was this excited for something. --I’ve taken action towards flipping the switch. DOING WHAT’S HEATHY FOR MY BODY. AND… in those actions, I’ve discovered and now have things in my life that I’m SUPER EXCITED ABOUT!!!!

Look, don’t get me wrong… I eat super healthy.  Fast food just happens sometimes, ya know what I mean... “Drunken nights” … Me too. Sometimes I find myself indulging, but… I give myself a pass as drinking doesn’t happen too often either. The trade… It’s totally worth the dancing I did on the dance floor that night.

Staying focused on the goal… A HEATHIER ME. Doing something that raises my heart rate-daily is something I mentally feel needs to happen. I exercise almost every day. If I don’t exercise, then I’m either playing racquetball, working in my yard/house or swimming.  I realize that I’m not 20 anymore and exercising more has brought me to a new awareness. My joints. Particularly my right knee.

First off, I am so excited to start training for an 8k obstacle course we are going to be doing in December. Making the decision to start exercising has changed things and brought things in my life; for me. Positive… Mentally and physically.  I’m thankful that my joints have made themselves aware with the soreness in my knee. It made me start thinking about my supplemental and vitamins.

I take 5 different vitamins and supplements every morning. The funny thing is that I realized that I take a massive multi-vitamin, vitamin D, Iron, Pro-biotic, Omega’s and now I want to add a joint supplement. It’s actually 2 more pills daily. Ugh... have I become that pill box lady? At least, none of these are prescribed by doctors that derives from the pharmacy made in some lab somewhere. I’ll gladly take these. To me, it’s all about prevention.  Come on ladies… isn’t that why we buy lotions and potions? That’s a whole different topic.

But 7 pills. Ugh! I guess what I’m saying is that I take the others for my body, why not add one; technically 2 for my joints?  If it helps this knee heal, and I can continue to train, then I guess that’s what “doing whatever it takes” means. 

I’m going to continue to train, but take it easy on this knee until it gets stronger.

Keep pushing myself to the next level!

Strength & Courage

All my life, I’ve NEVER had to worry about what I eat, when I eat or what my relationship with food really was. Except for the fact that I love to cook and bake anything I could. Oh, and I definitely loved to eat it ALL! Until I reached my mid-late 30’s… and then it happened. OMG, all of a sudden I got on the scale one day, I was at my post pregnancy weight, and I wasn’t pregnant. What the hell just happened? Did I become that comfortable with life?

With my father’s side of the family being riddled with overweight-ness/obesity and diabetes, I knew in that moment that something had to give. I had to live my life differently. I had to love my body and adjust my love for food.

I did change my life back in 2007 after meeting Bill Phillips, and I changed it even more in 2011 when I joined Isagenix. However somewhere between all the major life changes in between now and then, I reverted to eating what I want, when I want with no mind/body connection.

So, long story short… I set off on a journey to change my lifestyle –AGAIN. But this time I’ve made some major adjustments of becoming healthier. This time, it’s for good!

I’m not going to get into what I did, but in the last 90 days, but, I’ve seen a massive  transformation with myself, my eating habits, and my attitude. I’ve lost 20 pounds and I’m dwindling down. All I gotta say is “I feel good” I’m full of energy and I’m ready to rule the world again!

Thank you to “me” --awareness. Thank you for my scale which showed me that I had become out of control. Thank you for LA Fitness in making this affordable, and for having such wonderful support staff in answering my questions and keeping it real. Thank you Josh for being the “kick ass” Personal Trainer that you are. Thank you to my partner who supports me in my eating habits. Thank you to the renewed energy of discovering that I can get myself back with some hard work, strength, courage and determination.

I’m so happy to report that with this strength and courage that I’ve rediscovered, my trainer has asked me to be part of a 10 man team to run an 8K “Navy Seal” obstacle course in December.  I’m honored that he has asked me to be part of this team. I know that with my prior injuries, I have a ways to go in my training, but I will succeed! I’m pumped and super excited to make this happen. Maybe then, I can go back to running marathons??

Focused like a laser beam!

Test of time

It’s amazing the people we attract in our lives. Past and present. Or the people who are friends of friends, or friends of other loved ones like our partners or spouses.

Looking back, I have crossed paths with so many people from so many different ventures I’ve experienced. Some friends stick around, and others seem to fade away over time. Sometimes there are the others… well those ones were our conscience decision to just get away from; joy drainers, and negative nellies. In life, as we grow, sometimes we grow to see that the friend’s we have in our lives are not the ones we want to have, and we must let them just fade away over time.  

But one thing is for certain. I value the ones that have remained in my life throughout the test of time. Despite the fact that I have moved so many times from back and forth from Hawaii to Washington, and now to Florida. AND no matter the miles between us, we still remain friends.

I love you guys, and you know who you are. I will always be there to love, support and give a swift kick in the pants if that’s what you need.

Love and Light!