Thursday, January 5, 2012

Life is so up and down!

I can remember the time when I was just separated and life was such a state of chaos. I was desperately trying so hard to save my credit and keep us in our current state; for the sake of myself and my children. -But at what expense? I lost myself mentally and emotionally so that I could afford 2 mortgages and make all the payments to the marital debt that was an accumulation of… well more than just my choices. 

Then finally one day I woke up and saw the reality of where this was going. -This as in me. I was headed for a disaster. In actuality, I was already in it; I was just choosing to hang on to something that was slowly killing me. So much time had drifted and I found myself falling into some pretty bad situations that I had allowed myself to fall into so mindlessly. It was time to clean house; so I did!

I made some very big financial decisions that would affect me incredibly and it was time to move back to Burlington and find a mindless job… who really cares who I worked for as long as I could afford to make my house payment and take care of things in a responsible way without killing myself. The job I found was so easy, that I could do it in my sleep and no cares about it when I walked out the front door to go home. It was the perfect balance to the chaos that was happening in my life.

It has been so peaceful for so long that for some reason lately it seems that chaos has found its way back in. Not because of me but because of the man who is in my life. 

Is my mother right? My life is never complete unless there is chaos in it, or did I ask for this? The answer seems so painful to think about. Stop thinking about it right? No! I say process it and feel it and make informed decision about it.

What is the right decision, I guess if I knew that, then I wouldn’t be battling this thought and feeling the tears that arise when I can set my mind still and just feel it.

I feel chaos, I feel pain, and I feel so lost in my direction at this point, that sometimes I feel as if I am working backwards. Feel with my heart not my mind. God how I hate the monkey mind chatter that keeps going on back and forth; self doubt. 

Is this where I am the happiest? Is this where I want to be? I am doing what I want? Is this the right decision? Should I be doing this right now? Should I be the back bone for someone else? Shouldn’t I be looking out for me 1st? –Yes! I am number one, first and foremost! How have I allowed myself to slip back into putting myself on the back burner? Make the change and be in control of myself. 

It’s funny how we change the course and sometimes we allow those old patterns to rise to the surface and take the reins. Recognition! Thank you for opening my eyes through my emotions.