Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Just a little bit of time

I am inevitably in charge of me. My thoughts are carving my future reality. What do I want? I want to live happily and have fun in life; I want to fix up this house we live in. I want to give myself credit for all that is in my life and everything I’m doing. I want to feel love. I do understand things about love… but I want to feel love as an inside feeling. -For myself and others.

I realized the other day that I’ve always allowed me to put things and other people before me. What does this mean… it means that I’ve allowed myself to be out of balance and I was sacrificing myself for others! Pleasing others for acceptance is something that I feel came from generational error.

I’ve always put my parents, my children, my husband, my business, my goals, and my drive to be successful ahead of me. (“ME” meaning my heart and soul) Honestly, Money has controlled me. Or shall I say that money has been the thing that has driven me to where I am today. So, Financially, I let it go!

But my thoughts always came back to wondering who Kim is? For a very long time, I felt like a little lost girl of an abuse stricken past that haunted me like a victim. I remember what I was like before I got married but now I feel as if there is a hole. A wHOLE part of myself that is missing. Maybe not so much a part but a….. CONNECTION

Part of my journey has led me through personal development. In some way throughout my life’s journey, I realized that I have been in some form of personal development since I divorced my first husband. Amazing to have lessons in life and not realize it until later. Later… now that I have been educated on what personal development really is.

I’m looking back and reflecting on my progression, and that has changed something for me now that I have recognized the awareness of my realizations. As time goes on and I focus on that, the awareness just keeps growing stronger.

I wholeheartedly want to work on who Kim is… I feel that because of some recent events that have happened in my life. This has brought up some very big questions. Questions for me and my parents, confusion of my mother’s punishments, anger for my father, understanding of my estranged husband’s decisions, but it has also given me the awareness in getting back to working on me.

Loving myself
Accepting my success and deservedness
Allowing myself to forgive my past as it’s never been my fault as I’ve always been led to believe.

I see things differently now. The self destruction I did in my childhood was the ripple effect of the loneliness I felt as a child. I always wanted the love of my parents but I cannot remember a time when I felt anything! I never remember my parents holding me or expressing any type of love that I can remember. Maybe words but… no action!

Everything is going to be ok! I tell this to myself so that maybe someday I will start feeling the belief of that statement. Honestly I am petrified of the unknown! I just remind myself that the positive thought is that everything will be ok and this is what I want to focus on!

Days come and go, and as each day flies by, I feel as if time is just spinning around in circles. Same stuff different day. Hmmm that’s been the story of my life.

BUT For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan of action and no game plan. That’s weird to me as I have always had a plan for my life. Well there is a first time for everything. -Right? This is me being open for new things and changes that might be very uncomfortable but necessary.

Have you ever been so driven that the rest of reality has just disappeared?

I am thankful for the lessons I learned through the abuse I endured and every situation that has made me grow. During that period I was a victim as I did not understand why I had to endure such pain through my childhood and during my life’s journey.

When does one person decide to let go of the anger, hurt and shame?

When they are sick of it controlling them? or
Their tired of feeling a certain way?

I believe the path of why I experienced what I did, is part of a greater purpose in life.

In every situation as you deem “bad” look for the ways in which was “good” “you grew”

WTF!? Look for the good Shhya right! You’re crazy. That’s what I would’ve said but now that much time has passed from my experiences and I understand the art of letting go…. I see things in a different perspective.

We all have games we play with ourselves…. It’s what I call the “Mental Mind Fuck” It clenches onto the thoughts of your desires and cravings.

Who is going to win?

Your desire to change? OR
Your Mental Mind Fuck?

I say look at what you have gained from your experiences. Focus on the good and forget the bad.

Maybe you’ve heard it before…. BUT You can’t change what has already happened but you can certainly get up and keep going.