Sharing my JOURNEY....

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Im so happy and grateful that I have the opportunity to assist others!

In the history of my life I never had people express to me how much of an impact I made on them. (Maybe people did but I never really thought much of it) Influencing people is not something I try doing… I just believe in challenging people on their verbage and lifestyle. –Especially if its life altering in a positive way. Why stay the victim when you can be the survivor!

Just recently I had a conversation with a friend of a friend and he said that the mutual friend that we have in our life has changed so drastically because of me being in his life.

Not so much of an impression as much as it is life altering.

WOW! What an honor and blessing… This is just one person out of a handful of people that I know have mentioned something to me in the past 6 months

I just want to find a way to utilize that energy and gift to bring some financial blessings into my life. Doing something I love! Get a job or start a business helping others.

I feel that the reason why GOD hasn’t brought forth a job or some kind of way to make an income is because I have too much going on still. I’m slowly but surely eliminating the clutter off of my plate. This has certainly been a slow process.

I’ve learned to live day by day and celebrate everything. YES even the bad too. In the bad IS something good I’m sure. However sometimes our own poisonous thoughts and anger, hurt, greed or whatever it is… it gets in the way of seeing the lesson and feeling the true experience of life’s ever so lasting lessons.

I am so thankful for my life and the chaos it has right now but I know the end of this experience, and the light at the end is what I keep fighting for. WHY? Because I know that its there and it’s the best part of the lesson.

Thank you for my life and the relationship I have with my boys. As a team we have done some amazing things since July 2008.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Lightening the load for SANITY!

The question I have been fighting with myself is…Who do I believe in? Me? or GOD?

Is it OK to believe in both? I feel that GOD did create me and the vast universe. AND… it’s ok to believe in myself.

I’m here because of GOD? What does that mean? Historically the bible says that he created everything right? Well for me… I believe that it’s me living my life, and I’m humbled with regards to where I am right now. I am uncertain about history and how it all started; I just know that I’m here. I believe that I am to glorify GOD by living a happy and purposeful life.

I know that I did not create this chaos in my life on my own, and without the other person, it is impossible to get out of it by myself. This is insane! I did everything I could to deal with this on my own and I feel as if I am going crazy because of it. I feel as if I’m no longer in control. Now that I made the decision, I truly understand a deeper meaning of letting go! –Still not the circumstances I would’ve ever asked for but those lessons in life keep me humble and aware of the actions or reactions I must make in my life.

Letting go is such a sense of relief! -Not something that’s easy for me. This time, holding onto to something so big has certainly forced me to let go for my own sanity. Scared as I have no idea of what’s about to happen in my life as this is a road I have never traveled on. It’s scary because it’s new and uncomfortable.

This time I feel that everything will be ok. I’m putting my trust in GOD.

Recently I learned that I have been dying unto myself. …? What does that mean…? It means that I no longer try to control my life and its direction. I am doing what feels right and just following my heart. Living life day by day and planning, but am aware that things could change at any time. - (Especially when you have kids!)

I know and trust that somehow miraculously everything will work out. AND For once in my life, I am not trying to figure it out. That in itself is a grand feeling. Leave the brain to work on other things.

Whatever happens…happens. I just feel as if I have been busting my ass for years and nothing has ever been for me; always someone else! –Parents, husband, family, business, bosses, kids and so on. Well I still do things for my kids… as a matter of fact I’m doing this for the stability for them. But this time I know that GOD has a plan that I don’t understand, but I am open to following him with an open heart and mind.

Life is changing.... and I’m excited!

This time as life is changing… I am feeling it more within my heart not my head.

God bless you and your family and from my family to yours… Happy New Year!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Just needed a little time...

2009’s first blog entry… I am so grateful

This year is going to be a huge closure to the last relationship… marriage numero tres.

I realized through recent events of my life that I’m in a catch22. The one thing that I’m working so hard to do this for turns out to be everything BUT that.

Continuing to keep up with all the financial debt was everything I’m doing for the boys; so they could continue to live in what has been their home.

However, just a short time ago CJ said to me… “But mom, you’re never here”

What? That didn’t mean much to me but I was puzzled as to understanding why?... I work at home. -But now I believe I see it differently.

After Tom left back in July… I had this drive that said “I can do this” and I have been since July, but the effect of it is that Leanne is back in my life. Why because I have too much to handle for just one person. -I tried.

This is an incredible financial load and now that the anger is gone… I definitely feel hurt by the act of abandonment. Abandonment… Obsolete. to banish

This sucks because I gave everything to my relationship to make it work financially. But when the other person in your life just walks out to never return… ? It definitely makes it a challenge for the person who is left to pick up the pieces.

If I could possibly keep this going… I believe I would end up looking beyond my years due to the stress load of this burden.

I made the most challenging decision of my life. And that was to look at the realization of where I was headed. -As my friend says… ”your just shuffling chairs on the titanic”

I believe that my life is very humbled in the fact that I am being forced to do something that I have worked my entire life to keep good in my life. Not the circumstances I would have ever dreamed but it is what it is, and sometimes you just have to know your boundaries.

I am so grateful that I can see that I have been down this path before and that doing it again is not healthy for any of us -CJ and TY… I am grateful for having the option to getting back to my roots, I am grateful of the option to choose where to go, I am grateful for insurance, I am grateful for the smile the boys put on my face, and I’m learning how to be grateful for myself.

Oh to learning how to love myself is my newest challenge.