Sharing my JOURNEY....
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Tuesday, June 10, 2008
After the whirlwind weekend my head was still spinning about my newly discovered EGO.
My interpretations of my own EGO was that I wasn't really stuck on myself... BUT now I learned what EGO really meant.
It's your EGO brain trying to keep you comfortable by showing you FEAR. Your EGO doesn't want you to take any risks.
This is FEAR...
That was so profound. My awareness is much greater now. I just wanted a better understanding. I'm analytical... Today I was still not clear on exactly what the ego is and I came across this website. AMAZAZING INFO!
Check it out! http://www.meaningoflife.i12.com/ego.htm
My perspective of understanding is very clear. I love the examples this writer gives...
Truly excited to start meditating using OM or shall I say AUM....
Love and Light!
Monday, June 9, 2008
In my lifetime I have been diagnosed with OCD, Bi polar, Anxiety and Depression. I’m supposed to take prescription medication but I have been able to manage myself up until now for some reason. The other day I realized that I’m telling myself over and over again that I have “those” things wrong with me and that is my excuse for my behaviors. -My mind is like a crazed lunatic running around in circles. There is no rhyme or reason within my brain and I truly want to change the cluttered noise!
Getting centered is my main focus.
I feel that I have an over abundance in responsibilities and my husband is going to take some of those off of my hands and lighten my load. That will be a big blessing.
Not too long ago I was a strong person in that… nothing stood in my way. I had a vision. I am still that person however, since my experience in Personal Development and my emotional breakthroughs of allowing the baggage to come up… I have reverted back to a lost and confused child. It’s like I’m young again in my head but my body remained the same. Who I once was and how I feel now, are like opposite ends of the spectrum. So I’m a young child in my mind that has an immense amount of responsibility because I’m really 32. I can no longer handle all those responsibility until I purge some of this emotional crap! There are in securities that came up and a sense of feeling lost and confused.
So I’m Getting centered…. To me that means meditating and getting in touch with who Kim is on the inside. -My energy! I know that without a doubt we are all connected through energy. I feel as if I’m no longer connected with myself. If I’m not connected with myself… how can I be connected with everything else??? I know that I never got the education of personal development in school back when I grew up… so how did I find the education? Honestly I realized awhile ago that I have been living my life and educating myself through those experiences. -Instead of saying why me? I now see it as what the hell was I supposed to learn this time? Sometimes it takes awhile before I understand what I was supposed to learn. Those sometimes can be the “HARD” way. At this point of my life, I believe I have the challenge that is going to be the icing on the cake in understanding of my “TRUE” power. I will honestly say that in my power that I saw not too long ago… I was faking it but it was with good intentions…. Raise my 2 boys, buy a house, no CC debt basically it was all about money.
Now since I’ve released a bunch of SHIT! I must create the bridge of connecting to my truest power from within my heart. Cuz your heart is how I should live life, not by thinking my way through life. (I’ve done that my whole life) Feeling is something new that I’m realizing I never truly had. I believe that I have come to a cross roads. I believe that some true time to “ME’ is needed.
Thank you to my husband Tom who is patient and understanding.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Why do I understand what I’m doing, thinking and feeling wrong? YET I still do it?
I understand what changes I have to make but I still fall back into those old thoughts and feelings.
How do you quiet the chatter of your EGO mind and start to feel?
My mind, that just wants to focus on our debt by being scared. My mind wants me to focus that Tom and I are not “employed” so this fear has me scared of where the money is coming in from for our lifestyle…. It’s the conditioning of my parents. If you work hard then you get ahead. But I already know that’s a lie. I know that we have a true amount of abundance in our life. It’s the conditioning of my parents; really my dad. He always taught me to pay in cash or it’s not something you need right now. So I feel that even though I have an incredible amount of abundance in my life… since it’s on credit and mortgages, I feel massively in debt. Conditioning + EGO is tough!
Tom and I used to have jobs. The hours sucked, you never saw your family(kids), you had to check someone else’s schedule before you could plan your own vacations, and the money wasn’t really what you wanted to make anyways. So we quit our jobs and became “Self Employed”
Tom and I work out butts off in our contracting business(more paperwork and taxes!) and we barely made it. That is the business did, but what about us personally. Tom did as many side jobs, and I took on a few clients. I prayed that everything would work out; I would stress myself out in worry. -Again my EGO mind.
So here’s my biggest one... I’m not working right now, and I’m scared because all of our financial requirements are for Tom to figure out. It’s not me taking care of my own responsibilities; I’m relying on someone else. Is that my EGO or old conditioning of “working hard?”
So I’ve been working with a wonderful therapist for 10 years in helping me put my life back on track from where it was. That was a long time ago, and I will say that I have had tremendous growth in this journey. I still have this massive hump to get over but I know that the answers I have been seeking all this time is coming soon.
I just wanted to blog today instead of journal and share with you my own struggles of quieting my EGO mind and changing the conditioning of my past. I jump in my thoughts as my mind just runs and runs. Quieting this mind has been a challenge!.
This energy aspect is so amazing to me. Even though I struggle in changing those habits, I know that I can overcome this and create a blissful life with my ever so loving and patient husband and our 4 children.
Today I am truly grateful for color. ~A color either inspires you by uplifting you, or is dark and dreary and brings you down.
We started to paint our house the other day, and it’s amazing how color changes everything.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I am so grateful that allowing is something I'm aware of....
It’s funny how we attract things into our life. –Did any of you know that we can and do deliberately attract things to us??? Whether we want them or not!
I knew about Law of Attraction… but I’m very analytical and I knew that the Law of Attraction existed but it was just merely a concept to me because I never understood it as I was never educated about how it all works. Just that I had to choose my words and thoughts carefully. -Positive or Negative….
Tom and I went to a conference this last weekend and we learned the science behind the Law of Attraction. For me... unless it’s clear on how something works, I have only an idea. Thank you BMI…. Now that LOA has been broken down into the analytical side, everything now makes sense as to this universal law.
Bottom line is this… Life is all about feeling and thoughts. Feel your way through life and buckle your seat belt for the ride of your life. For me though it has always been about thinking my way through life. Uh what happens though is my brain (EGO) keeps me comfortable. That is where my fears and anxiety come in. That’s my ego brain trying to hold me back from changing. If you feel your way through life, the ego brain is not there to tell you a lie. Everything that I’ve heard my ego brain tell me is…..
This is too expensive
I can’t do that
I’ll get hurt
I’m too old to do that
That’s going to hurt
I have to work hard to get anywhere
A job is security
I can’t afford that
I’m too tired to do that
I’m not sure what the best decision is
Where has this gotten me…. Well for starters we are successful because Tom and I do work hard. However I’ve learned that I have been limiting myself through how I feel.
I feel ½ of those things on that list at some point of my week, sometimes day! What kind of energy am I emanating to the universal law of attraction? Not a good one.
Start your life everyday with love and gratitude.
Be grateful for where you are right now and remember to have fun!
Those little steps lead the way to a prominent future.
Be open and allow your feelings to lead your life
Cheers to you and your journey