Sharing my JOURNEY....

Monday, May 12, 2008

Getting down and DIRTY!

So the other day I did not want to get to Burlington “office/storage” to work on the landscaping. Honestly since 2005, I’ve had the employees take care of the yard maintenance for me. –It’s been nice. BUT since we sold our company earlier this February; this means no more employees to take care of that. It’s my turn to do it.

Yuck pulling weeds is not the most glamorous thing on my list of to do’s. So I put it off for as long as I could stand it. I went there sucked it up and just went for it. Got it done! Gratitude for that dirty job being done! So this brings me why I’m blogging today.

Lately in my life, I have been struggling with where exactly is my passion? I know what I want to do, but what really lights my fire?

This journey of releasing my emotional baggage has brought me through this tunnel of spinning, tumbling and has turned my beliefs and my mind upside down. I’ve struggled with Who am I? What do I love? Am I truly happy? Do I love where I’m at in my life? What do I want to do to make a difference? Some of those have been answered by following the discovery program but for the most part, I still feel as if I’m drifting along life just taking care of the day to day needs.

The greatest advice that my friend shared with me a while ago, was to go dig in the dirt.

Hmmm “go dig in the dirt” What a funny thing to say to someone for advice. It was January and it’s Washington, its cold, it’s rainy, and it’s just not what I wanted to do when she talked to me about it. Nope not even my houseplants. Just didn’t feel like it and you couldn’t make me. -I wasn’t ready. Until… the other day when the sun came out, and I just did it. I was digging in the dirt while listening to music I love, and I felt as if the words of the songs were talking directly to me. What an eye opening day it was for me. Dig in the mother earth and find answers….

I realized that my passion doesn’t have to be exactly what I think it’s supposed to be.

I do know that without a doubt, in my mind, I empower abusive victims to become survivors. So what’s the passion that lights my fire? -That fire is Tommy & Tabi!

My other two kids live with their mother & step father who act like victims in life. I can say that opinion in confidence as this used to be me years ago. Wendy will not allow the kids to move to their dad’s house and they really want to come and live with us. When we tried to get custody using the plea from the kids’ counselor about the hostility in the home the laws in Washington were didn’t prevail in getting them out. Therefore my kids continue to live in their abusive household. It’s not physical but it’s definitely emotionally and mentally.

I have to say that I am grateful that I have met Wendy. There have been so many good things that have come out of being introduced to the kid’s mother Wendy is very controlling with the kids and I will admit that I used to be that way with CJ’s dad as I also kept strictly to my parenting plan. Until the year I met the kids. I saw what it did to Tabi and Tommy because of the constraint of their mom. So needless to say I’ve changed a few things in my life because of what I learned from being on the other side of the fence. I believe that the emotional part of my connection with the Tabi and Tommy is because of the similar experiences that I endured as a child. I empower people to become survivors and that is what I want for them, but who in a million years would’ve of ever thought my passion is starting with my own children.

Even though I know my passion is to empower victims of abuse, the passion for helping my step children get out of their situation is even bigger to me. I guess I have to start with my own challenges in that area first. Then who knows where I’ll go after I’ve helped Tommy and Tabi. I know that I am not their biological mother... I sure wished I was. Just so I can protect them from what I have been able to shelter my 2 boys from. -Abuse.

This also brings me to another eye opener I had….. Empowering myself in our new business. Yes I will admit I’m scared! Scared because of the conditioning I received all my life to believe that a JOB is security. -$$$ coming in is guaranteed… This is what I believed was the only way to have security. I call bullshit! That is called a trap of having someone else control what they want you to do, trading time for $$, and sacrificing my valuable time for someone else. No way is that security. Even though I may not have the ability to say I get paid on Friday, I have the ability to live my life on my terms. The conditioning of changing my perspective from scarcity to understanding that everything is going to be ok has been the biggest challenges of them ALL! My gratitude journal has been a great tool for me to focus on the gratefulness of what I have right now. AND now is the most important things as it’s in the present moment.

So I feel that digging in the dirt with the mother earth is beneficial to getting in touch with a deeper you. -Connection… that is how this earth works. I’m thankful for my friend for giving me the advice. I’m also grateful for the 5 acres of beautiful yard I get to sculpt with Mother Nature; using her flowers and beauty.

Our Pictures of our project in Snohomish.

So the office/storage in Burlington is done but now I have a 5 acre piece of land to design and build now. I’m excited to back into the dirt and spent some quality time with the earth in revealing what’s next in my life.