Going where?

Monday, February 11, 2008

Current mood: confused Who am I? Who is Kim Hoerner….. Before Breakthrough I was confident in who I was (kind of), then during Breakthrough I learned that I never felt like I deserve anything nice. Why??? Because I'm a bad girl, a dirty girl who always deserves what happens to her. NO -this is not true…. The truth is…. I deserve everything I want out of life. What do I want...? -Happiness, love, affection, laughter, success, a relationship with my husband, a life that is full of laughter and fun. Today I feel like it's my turn to let go. I know in my heart of hearts is this…. I desire DYP to work! I desire a schedule. I desire to be working out at the gym. I desire to be happy in my relationship. I desire $20,000.00 in my bank account. I desire a new bed. I desire new clothes. I desire our garage being built in the spring. I desire an invisible fence for the dogs. I desire a beautiful backyard with a huge fire pit. I desire the most elegant party that Tom and I have ever thrown. It will be catered. I will make Kal-bi. I desire to have successful friends that are like minded. I desire for my children to get along. I desire my children to work together. I desire to know truly down deep, who is Kim Hoerner? I write this when I'm zoned, When I'm in my own little world, I'm kind of lost. I feel that I do not have a purpose. I'm dazed with a fog. This is not me… I know that I have a strong will, I know that I'm always strategizing, I know that I'm a multi-tasker, I know that I'm shaping my eyebrows into what I want, I know that I'm driven about things I'm passionate about, I know that sometimes I'm a bitch, I know that I'm moody, I know that my split personality as I may has allowed me to lose control of me. I can't say that I love my children. They don't even make me happy. They fight, they bicker, they tattle tale on each other, and do they even love each other? How do I change this? I should start looking at the things that are great about the people in my life. –Especially, Tom. CHANGE! What does this mean to me??? It means waking up in the morning early to go to the gym or some kind of exercise. It means staying in control of me and my thoughts. It means believing in the process. Ahh this is a challenge for me. It means being thankful for all that I have right now. It means talking calmly from now on. It means no more drugs. It means taking more time for me. It means loving yourself. Which means do the things that will make you be in love with your body. It means waking up everyday with a hopeful thought and gratitude. It means dream. It means think about what can be, and remember to feel them on the inside. It means smile while I talk. It means that's a lot of stuff to do. Which one is the most important? Tom... That wasn't even on list. Why Tom? Because we truly were meant to be together but we both have our own problems right now and I think that this marriage is in the wrong time in our life. -Maybe later on in life. Right now actually I need to work on me! I feel like I'm not myself, and haven't been in a few years. Maybe I'm happy with having a job. -It's easier. Maybe its that I'm uncovering my true existence of what do I want to do with my life? No longer an accountant, gotta be self- employed as I am psychologically unemployable, I like to be in control.