Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Bouncing back and forth...

It’s been a bit since I’ve blogged. Sometimes in life, I bounce back and forth between my personal journal with my thoughts and what I choose to share with all of you.

Sometime ago, like in 1998, I realized that I stuffed everything. My emotions were jammed so far down as they have been down there for a reason. I remembered my past and why I stuffed it in the first place. I truly y~urned for the peace of letting go. But for me today it means something all new to me as in another life lesson.

So I can’t remember if I blogged about what happened to trigger the chain reaction to answering that very question of letting go of the emotions I stuffed. Long story short.... go to www.havegratitude.com to read about that........But needless to say it was the biggest breakthrough of my life!; and the explosion of my life; for once I allowed myself to be vulnerable to allowing. Emotional stuffing was flowing out like a runny faucet.

Confession: So I have returned back to church. Don’t know why; I used to go all the time until we moved. OK actually sometime before that but it’s just drama, so I skipped that detail. Bottom line probably about 6 years or so its been since I’ve been in church. I remember as a child my mother made me go to Korean church. I hated it; now I’m going back.

Anyways~ I find myself drawn to going again, but since we moved an hour away, where would I go? Found a place right here in Snohomish. We like it. So every time I have gone to church I always get tears. Why? Hmmm I wish I knew but for the first few weeks I was this tough emotional stuffer and I could stop myself from crying. Last Sunday, I went to church and the tears were flowing right when we got to church, parts of church and in the end too. Crazy!
I’m not sure why I cry but the message I’m getting is that I really gotta let some things go in my life.. I gotta stop trying to control what happens and allow life to happen.. I’m a bit controlsive (is that even a word) If not it’s my new word. -Controlsive at times with certain parts of my life. I’ll admit it!

The number one thing I’ve got to let go is Tom’s x-wife. –Wendy Ahhh she drives me crazy. I totally give her all my power at times.

I love Tommy and Tabi as if they were born from my womb. I believe that I’ve been placed together with Tom for many reasons. Tabi is an emotional stuffer, Tommy has comeout of his protective state and is taking more chances. Yet Wendy takes my internal power from me. Actually I give it to her with the anger I carry about who she is.

My opinion as amother….She does not care about her children’s emotions, and she is very controlling. Ooh she just breaks my heart.

I guess you can say maybe I see part of me in her. She is scared of everything -like never takes risks. BORING! No it’s not that part.... It’s the controlling part... When I met Tom my relationship with my x husband -Joe was horrible. Very conflictive. I was doing what Wendy is doing with her parenting plan with Tom and my S-kids. That was me when I met Tom. Hmmm back in 2004. I was the biggest bitch to Joe. Yeah I couldn’t let go of the pain and hurt I endured from that relationship. Talk about controlling, glad I got out of that relationship when I did........ Bottom line was I saw how it affected Tommy and Tabi not being with their dad and being super strict about the Parenting Plan. So I let go of my crap and moved on. Joe and I now get along great! We spend time together with CJ on his birthdays, we communicate and I am still able to be in my power and have boundaries.

So I’ve learned to let go from some lessons in my life but Tommy and Tabi have a mother who was just like me. Wendy continues to use her victimization to hide behind. It sucks because as children we all learn what we are exposed to. Learned behaviors..... Tommy and Tabi want to spend more time with dad and mom says NO, even though she is not there .75% of the time because she is at work... Enough ranting already! She is the biggest challenge I have right now. That is just one thing I gotta let go….
-Letting Wendy go. -I feel sorry for her actually. There is such a wonderful life out there to be thankful for instead of always being so closed and hidden. Being the victim isn’t giving attention to a good choice in life. Been there done that! I used to be like that and in some ways I still am but I’m thankful for the awareness in seeing my growth within myself through someone else. My question is how do I let her go? I think that is why I’m so drawn to church and god right now. I want him to take that over for me as it hinders the sunshine I have within myself.

It’s funny about the lessons I have learned in the past 3 years…..

I know now that I deserve the things I have in my life. I never used to feel that way.

Right now actually I am still amazed at where I am in life and how the heck I got here. It was very bumpy ride and I now believe that anything is possible. I just have to be in the right state of mind. Allowing the emotional roller coaster out has been a challenge for me to stay in the right mind. I know that I cannot tackle this myself so I’m turning it over to the pro. -GOD

Since were on the subject of letting go…. that is what I’ve allowed myself to do to myself. Yeah! I may be a size 2 but it’s a bit of flab. I wonder what my body fat is. That’s a good thought I think I will have that checked out. (Shock Factor?) Nah I still am hot!

Well I know that if I truly want it then I will do it. Taking care of my body has been on the top of my thoughts for about 5 months. I’ve started walking 3 miles with Tom in the morning. It’s so nice now that we both can be at home and work our own schedule. BONUS: To have Spring rolling around with sunny and earlier mornings is a good thing right now. I cannot stand the winters here in dark ass Washington. Spring is coming and so is the sun and maybe some warmer weather too.

I know that there is more there that I have to let go…. But for now I am knocking out the most important ones to me.

In my experience…. I’ve walked on 50 feet of burning hot 1500 degree coals, broke an arrow on my throat, and bent rebar with the softer part of my throat. See pics at www.getmeoutofmyjob.com I truly understand the power of the mind. I’m still learning how to harness that power!

I’ve used the power to do many great things in my past, and I’m excited for the life that is in the future. Thank you as myself and my family are very blessed.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Slow down!

All my life, well as far back as I can remember, I have always had to be in charge.

When I was younger while my mother was at school or work, I had to help out with my brother. My mother used to have seizures and I'd have to take care of that too. Taking care of things has been the core of who I am.

So here I am again as things are brought to my attention... Taking care of it!

I realize that in order for me to truly live life, I must slow down in life. I'm a busy body, like my mother and my grandmother. (It must be a Korean thing?) This I decided is no way to live my life. BUSY! What? No I am in the process of slowing down. What does this mean…? Well I will admit that I knew this was a deeply strong desire of mine, BUT I've allowed myself to entertain the distractions that I make for myself.

Here's the question…. Why do I entertain these distractions?

I truly want this for myself but I put it off. So today was my groundbreaking start.

I get to dive straight into this question. I'm sure there is some kind of deeply hurtful thing associated with this. When I talk about the desire to slow down in life, I get tearful. I have a feeling of hopelessness. Hmmm my question is why?

What does this mean to slow down? Breathe slower, one task at a time, read more, take the time in for me. I already day dream and take time in, but to truly take time in means to calm the inner self and throw out the garbage.

For once in this journey of understanding, I understand what truly quieting the mind means… NOW the trick is to take action.

I am my worst critic. I beat myself for the mistakes I make in life and I hang onto those for forever…

Here's the bottom line… IMPERFECT ACTION is better than NO ACTION. I'm realizing that this holds true in ANY situation.

Today I am grateful for the lessons that come up and the new vision of change.

This all started with wanting to clear the clutter and throw out the baggage, and it has evolved to a whole different level. I know this is right, even though it feels so shitty, but in the end I will feel free. That's my drive to get myself through this.