Not even a jar

The other day, I went to go open the jar of tea, and I shed a few tears trying to open it. I think I tried opening it 3 or 4 times before I finally got it open. Awakening moment of how weak certain parts of my body are. Although today I shoveled dirt, moved some small rocks, planted about 10 plants and helped with the fire. It's because I utilized my plant medicine to provide me a boost. I'm sure my muscles will feel that tomorrow!

I am ready to get in the pool a couple days a week, after work. Get my body back into shape. Slowly floating in my main element. I miss floating in the water!

New Job

Workplace dynamic is a must and I feel that I've bounced around. I've made a few friends along the way, but ultimately never was satisfied with the people AND the job. Until now. I finally have landed at a company where I feel supported, It's keeping me busy; too busy. More than I would like, but I have an assistant who does a lot. A new job usually isn't because someone is retiring. I'm mostly there to "fix" something. I enjoy the challenge! Definitely see a difference in how long my energy lasts and having to slow down is a forceful situation at times. Naturally, my body let's me know if I am over doing it. 

Tired, but an improvement

Before, if I over did it, I would get severely sick. Don't move kinda sick. But now, it's more like... super, super tired! I say that's an improvement. Definitely slowing me down!

My plant teacher helps me eat better, but still barely eating. Definitely no large meals, unless I get the munchies.

Taking it easy

Working on Saturday made me realize just how tired I still am. Getting up and down was exhausting, but having the desks there was nice in helping me pull myself up and support myself when needed.

My energy is best in the morning, but as the day goes on, I get more and more tired. It doesn’t help that I have been so busy that I don’t really eat, but on the same note… I am not really that hungry. I feel like, IF I was to be hungry, my stomach would grumble and I WOULD stop to ensure it was taken care of. 

This is my opportunity in having self-awareness in remembering to love myself, slow down and to pay attention. 

Do not allow things to go back to the way they were!

Don’t do it!

I was given the opportunity to take all the time I needed to ensure that I was ultimately ready to go back to work. Amazingly still pinching myself, and grateful to have been chosen for this position.

I was very excited to start this new job but scared at the same time. My energy is still not 100%, it’s barely 50%. The heat drains my energy like a tipped over glass of water pouring out rapidly and I wasn’t sure that I could make it a full day.

Honestly, one never goes into a new position because things are in order and all is well, unless you are the successor of the one who may be leaving and that is not the case with this job. Which is a-okay as coming in and fixing things is right in my wheelhouse, which I thoroughly enjoy! Nerve racking, but nonetheless, love it!

I came into the first day with a plan, and that quickly was tarnished as I began to discover just how bad things are in the office. As the days continued, the plan evolved, but was muddled with all the inefficiencies and inorganization lingering over my office. My only solution was to come into the office on a day that I could have uninterrupted time to get through all the papers in the office. I needed things to get organized, right now. So, I planned to come in on Saturday to make this a reality.

Here’s the caveat, do not allow the new job to get you back to the hustle and bustle of being busy!

Do not allow the new job to take over your life!

Do not give, give, give without having the balance of keeping things slow and steady.

Awareness to ensure that I take things slow! -Thank you!

Cancer made me!

How does a person go from doing, to being? AND what does that even look like? I thought, so I am going to have to change who I am to the core? WTF. How else would I go from doing to being?

So lost, but in allowing that question to unfold, without taking any action, I soon realized that I don’t have to CHANGE everything about myself or who I am. I feel that a shift would allow me to still be me, openly be the change that is needed to be.

I realized that I could slowly do the things that need to be done without rushing or placing any imagined deadlines upon myself. What a shift that has made in how I am approaching things.

I am so grateful for allowing myself the time and space when asking, questioning, and seeking the changes I want to start making.

I am so grateful for the cancer that has MADE me stop in my tracks. I’d been asking for life to slow down, but never ACTUALLY doing anything about it, so the universe made that happen for me!

I am stubborn and never really put me first. This experience has changed my perspective. Thank you for life’s little, sometimes BIG gifts! I appreciate the renewed awareness of what needs to be.

What now?

Sometimes it's easier to do, that to feel. 

So if I no longer want to be the super go, go, go girl because that is living life through my masculinity, then how do I do what I love to do. I only want to work in my yard. No, not really, I want to go kayak and get outdoors to play more. It seems all we did/do is work, work, work. A break here and there but not often. Perhaps still doing those things, but slower. Get a bit dirtier because you need to sit. Please...  universal laws help me move this into motion. My question requires some clarity in knowing how to live life through femininity and living through soul.

I want to get back to work. Why? I cannot sit at home all day. I feel the day is wasted mostly on mindless TV. -driving me nuts! I can keep myself busy with some things, but nothing super serious, right now. No energy for the gym or basically standing for long period of time, just yet.

Working will help keep me busy, but remembering to have WL balance in not burning out will be vital to my longevity in this company. No self inflicted deadlines. Emotionally connect with the task and take my time to resolve it. 

I've been a tomboy all my life. I like it. I like getting down and dirty with things. Not so much a girly girl. Maybe that needs to shift? Not a full swing to the opposite of the pendulum, but living life through being within my femininity. Actually, now that I think of it... It's a dance we do. Not always in one or another, all the time. But living a life in harmony through soul for both!

Surrendering

It is amazing to me that I am continuing to fight with myself. Surrendering to not having the energy to be myself and do the things that I'd like to do. Mostly outside, working in my yard, but nonetheless. Stopped in my tracks!

Does this mean that there must be a "new" me? I must surrender to the old ways of living my life to realigning to the new me? New me? What does that mean? No matter what is happening... I feel the shift happening within my soul and now, more than ever... I am ready for it!

My entire life, I have had to be on survival mode. Yes, that's right... as child to survive my parents neglect & abuse, as a teenager to survive leaving home and make it on my own, and so and so on. I won't get into that as that is not what I want to talk about. For me, that meant... always living my life through the masculinity and staying tough to survive. Not feeling like a victim of it, just recognizing the necessity of not living my life through my femininity. 

Just recently, even though I've have had discussions before with Brian... he reminded me again that... My entire life, I've lived through my masculinity, but the conscious shift has organically been happening within my soul in shifting to living my life through femininity. I don't understand what that feels like or what that even means. 

During my last session, I asked Brian. He helped my understand that masculinity is doing and femininity is feeling. What an ah ha moment!!!

Over the past few years, I have been feeling the shift of doing things that "feel" good vs just being a good soldier and do what I'm told without challenge. Don't get me wrong, I'm still "doing", but definitely feeling has been more in the forefront of all my decisions. 

So grateful for the teachers in my life and the openness in allowing the messages to be received. Thank you!

Replenishing my body

Weeks leading up to my cancer treatment, my doctors advised that I needed to stop all my vitamins. It was described as the best policy to ensure that the cancer treatment would be the only thing running through my body with no interference. Okay, trusting the doctors to know best. I followed their instructions. 

A week into treatment, my hot  flashes returned and they were fierce. I was able to get permission to start taking the herbs for those symptoms. Thank goodness! I was miserable!

Here we are, post cancer treatment. My flora is so messed up, along with my anemia! I am so happy that this is week one of getting back on my vitamins and getting back on a probiotic to get my body back in balance. Thank you for the cancer treatment in ridding the toxic parts that need to be evicted, but so grateful that, things are now in my rear view. I am so happy to be feeling like I am turning the corner in my health. 

Super focused on health and cannot wait to get back to the gym! I am SOOOOO ready, but my body is not. Not yet, but when I am... watch out, I am coming back hard. Not killing myself, but definitely challenging myself in order to build the muscle back.

What was the lesson?

It's true... I live my life on the go, always!

In Florida, I was SO busy... 

Gym, working on me. 

Working, working for my financial goals. 

Yard/Home, working on fixing my environment to be more relaxing. --Although, I never "really" truly relaxed. Sure I used the pool at times and while I cleaned up the dog poop in the backyard, I threw the dropped fruit from the tree into the canal to feed the turtles (My favorite part of living in the FL home). I actually just worked, worked and worked. Just like the Rihanna "work" song. 

All at the same time, I blogged, blogged and blogged about how I just wanted life to slow down. For years, despite blogging about other things, I just wanted life to slow down. 

Honestly, after making the move to NC in 2020, life has slowed down. Not a ton, but definitely a shift for sure. I haven't been satisfied in how fast life is still going and silently still desiring this to happen. 

This cancer experience has forced me to slow down. Actually... has forced me to come to a complete stop. Days and days I couldn't even take a shower, do my dishes, let alone get out of my bed to do anything! It was such a challenge for sure and I did not like the feeling of doing nothing. That has shifted!

I am scheduled to start my new job on 8/14 and for the first time in my life, I have anxiety about that. I feel that I'm still not ready! I need more time!

So, I have decided to go ahead and move forward with starting, but will be acutely aware of how I am feeling. I MUST take care of me and put me first. I have some of my energy back, but I must move slow or my body starts to shut down!

I understand the lesson. Forced lesson, for sure! But, I get it! -Thank you!!!

Outside yesterday to play

My mom has officially made her way back home. That means that I have to do all the work now as Jason is out of town in Chicago until late Wednesday. 

I made it outside to do some watering in the early afternoon, it was hot! I only was outside for a short bit before returning back inside to cool down. But at about 6pm... I headed outside to start watering the newly planted plants. It was nice, not that hot; kinda cool, but lovely!

While I was able to water all the dapple willows, I made my way down to the lower end of the driveway and fixed the rocks where the dirt was starting to flow over into the driveway. I always have fun playing with my two favorite elements. Glad my energy is starting to see some gains.

So grateful for my mom!

I remember looking out my window in May, right after surgery and thinking... so many weeds outside, every where in my yard! AND I cannot even get out there since I just had this tumor removed. I will be able to get out there soon, but according to the doctors... during cancer treatment, I will lose my energy at some point. 

In June, I was able to get outside and help weed with my mom. I was still working FT in office and only could do anything on the weekends. I quickly discovered that I only had enough energy to work hard 1 day and the other weekend, day... I was not feeling well, or found that I had no energy. It was only a matter of weeks before I didn't have any energy to do much of anything, any day. Let alone, working out in my yard, pulling weeds, planting plants and fixing up the yard this season. 

All the credit goes to my mother who was outside, every day... by dawn; as it was the coolest part of the day. Sometimes before it was even light outside and would work outside using the shop "porch light" to use the wheel barrow to mix potting soil and dirt, modified for planting the new dapple willows. She is amazing! I am so grateful for her!

This was hard for me... letting someone else get out there and do that HARD work without me lifting a finger. I would feel so bad that I couldn't get out there to help her, but all the credit for my yard this year is to my mom. The yard is beautiful. Added a good chunk of plants, fixed other parts of the yard, but she did all the weeding. That is no easy feat... It's roughly almost 2 acres of hard work. 

I would try to bring her water outside, since it was so hot outside, but she was pretty good to come in and take breaks to cool down. But she would get out there in her boots, gloves and her sun hat. Amazing how much she did!

I also want to give credit to my kiddo, Tyler. He works a ton and despite his hard schedule, he still made the time to come out and help my mom. Jason too, but it meant the world to me that my son made time to come and help me! I love all of you guys, so, so much!!!

Thank you!

Took a tumble today.

I went outside to place plants where they should be planted, Walking back to the house, I felt super dizzy. I had to stop a few times, to breathe, I remember asking Tyler to come help me walk to the house. I needed help standing up. I was trying to go sit down. Apparently, on the way, trying to get myself in… I fainted twice. Once falling on the gravel driveway. Second time, Tyler caught me.

I feel bad as I’m not wearing any panties and this is a short dress. After the radiation side effects to my rectum... I’m allowing areas to be exposed to the air. I’m sure it was full exposure to Tyler when I fell. I don't know what he did/didn't see. It was weird to just wake up to Tyler asking "mom, mom, are you okay?" I remember each time waking up to Tyler asking if I'm okay, sitting on the garage step, where I remember peeing a little. What an experience. I over did it today, again. This time, I have war wounds. My shoulder, both knees, my face and my chest are all pretty banged up.

Chapters.

How many chapters would you have?

If you could document all your major experiences?   In some cultures, they are called initiations. But for me; learning experiences. Those experiences that made you change in some way. Become stronger/tougher. I feel that life's experiences are lessons, gifts that allow us to open up to evolving as a human being; growth.

I am sure this will be an ongoing list that I will continue to update. 

Youth --Memories as a child

• Monty
• Parenting techniques
• Hawaii mom upbringing
• Early sexual exploration

Teenage

• Shipped back and forth from HI/WA
• Friends in HI; tennis, surfing, witchcraft
• Trouble maker w/Robbery/Cars
• Jail as a teenager

As the years keep going by and I age with each one into all my adult experiences.

• Joe
• Drinking/Drugs
• Chase
• Kids
• Tom
• Bankruptcy
• Moved; so many times
• Jason's "X" drama
• Cancer
• Jobs/Career

I'm sure there would be more.

Too tired to wash my hair

Since I have not been taking my proestro consistently, I have been experiencing hot flashes, like crazy! It's gross as I get a bit sweaty, and like excessively.  I feel like I want the bed sheets washed every couple days.

Taking a shower is not that crazy, but it's crazy how tired I get IF I have to wash my hair.

This is SLOW! Definitely made me slow my role. Fuck Cancer treatment! The side effects of all this poison is horrendous, but yet I'm grateful for the cure to be available! Taking things MUCH slower these days. AND allowing myself to let other things go. 

My skin is so angry with me. OMG!

So last week was a moment of reality that I had too much on my plate and that I could barely hang on too all of it. Not to mention the need to work remotely. So much has changed. I gave notice to leave my job.

Their policy is to separate, cut all ties... right away. To longer be attached to my employer... NICE! -relieved as I don't think I could've mustered energy to train, update and explain stuff. So I'm grateful. Brutal if I had to stay on, but a relief in finishing that chapter.  -How many chapters would be in a book of all my experiences?  -Now I'm curious!

Anywhoo... Doing what I need to do with sitz baths... better in my own bathroom. My rectum has like this ring of fire where the skin around my rectum is burnt/red/swollen and so angry with me! I am applying Vaseline to the dried out areas, but doing what is necessary in helping me find comfort during this experience has been a learning experience. Whoa!

Smooth Sailing

End to week 4 and things have shifted with my energy. Finally have the timing of meds to numb things. I find myself having to slow down. My body will not do, what I want IT to do. So I have no choice but to slow down. Or I get super dizzy!

Its what I asked for, for years. So that was not the way I saw it going, but in reality... I never ACTUALLY slowed down. Maybe for a hot minute. So the universe provided the necessary experience to MAKE me do it. 

I wonder how many times during all 200+ blog posts, I ask for things to: SLOW DOWN?

Thank you LOA, but wow! That is awareness in your face!

Vicious Cyle

I absolutely hate that I am taking drugs for this cancer! Necessary, but still hate it!

I am in week 3 of this 6 week bout with the medicinal & radiation regimen and the vicious cycle has already begun. Chemo pills for the cancer, nausea meds so I can eat. Although, I still am not able to eat a lot of the foods I love. They just make me sick thinking about it, let alone smelling it. Fluconazole for the imbalanced flora and  now a new medicine for the UTI symptoms that are starting to arise. I haven't picked up this prescription, yet... but it is supposed to numb your bladder. OMG. 

Short term, short term, short term... this is what I keep saying to myself, but I HATE IT SOOOOOOOO much! 

Grateful for the modern medicine to eliminate this cancer, but not happy at the present moment. Trying to stay grateful and keep a positive open mind about this process. 

ANGRY!

Sunday I was outside digging up the bee balm from the yard as we are moving it to another part of the yard. As I was digging the new holes, I discovered a few areas that were a bit rocky that required a bigger tool that would cut through the rock. When I got to the last few holes, there was a section that I feel were just pure rock! Nonetheless that didn't stop me from continuing to try to dig the hole. I got through 2 and as I was swinging this tool into the third one, I felt the burning fire of anger, almost rage... go through my body, then tears broke through.

So ANGRY at this CANCER! Why me? Why now? I cannot understand, as I am SOOOOO careful of my body. Truthfully careless in my younger years through my early 30's, but the later part of my life. So picky of the things that I put into my body. Food, no western medicine, but definitely cannot say that I am not guilty of smoking my plant medicine. Not so much anymore as I feel I have outgrown all that, but still I cannot understand why me? How did this happen? No one can answer that question, not even the doctors. They tell me, that I did everything right! Nonetheless, I accept it. Doesn't mean that I cannot feel the anger of this situation. 

Grateful for my  session with Brian today! 

Before my session, I could feel the lining of anger, tears and deep emotions that were at the surface, just awaiting to be released. I couldn't even take a deep breath; trust me I tried too. 

After my incredible session, I could feel that I had moved through the anger in acceptance and the emotional tears were falling down my face at many moments throughout the remainder of the day. Thankful for the emotional tears. I will accept my situation with the loving grace of my soul in knowing that the gifts from this situation will be presented at the right time. Maybe the gift of slowing down. Maybe the gift of learning to trust others in my care. Maybe the gift of ???? --I just don't know, but... Thank you! 

Still trusting the process and giving up the control to the greater powers above that clearly have a plan for me! I will remain open to allowing these gifts to be received with an open heart.-Thank you!

Realization to slow to down

So this weekend I worked out in the yard, weeding the hedges. OMG, there was so many weeds! But in all fairness, it hadn't been weeded all year long and was in pretty bad shape. Good news is that it's done. With my mother's help, of course! But teamwork makes the dream work. So thankful for her being here!

I realize that in the prior months, I was able to work out in the yard all day. Break for lunch of course, but still 8-10 hours outside. MMMM labor of love, really! Now, nope... maybe 3 hours tops and I'm wiped.

This Cancer is forcing me to slow down and not do as much. Not really liking this, but FOR YEARS... I've been saying and blogging about how I need to slow down. Whoa, proof that the universe DOES work in it's own timing and grant the things that are in your purview. Thank you to law of attraction for MAKING me slow down. Not the way I would've ever seen it coming into fruition, but it IS forcing me to slow down as I wanted. So, thank you!

Careful what you ask for!

Looking back and Reflecting

Today I spent some time in going back to "tag" some of my old posts. Amazing to see the progress of my growth, Really truly amazing in how I have blossomed from the victim, to loving the gifts in life that are given to me. Actually, feeling blessed to have my eyes & heart open and seeing... feeling those things. 

It was also a gentle reminder in some of the stepping stones that have brought me to where I am today! Definitely progress! Kudos to me. Good job Kim! 

Reflecting back, I can see that sometimes I wrote to the outside, as if people read this blog and would actually respond. Other posts are confessions of things, experiences and feelings in how I was doing in that given moment. 

I am truly feeling blessed in starting this blog so long ago as it has allowed me to get to a place where I share these things out loud, no longer in a private journal. I must admit that at times, when things are good... I feel guilty for not blogging, but I know now that.. those are the times that life is just rolling along and the need to express myself or document things is not prevalent, and that is okay!

Thank you for this tool and thank you for all the gifts that have been given, received. I am grateful!

Day 10 of 30

So grateful for the wisdom of being connected with my own body!

I can remember the days where I was living my life, with disconnection. Seeking outward attention and not loving myself. I would have the illusion of "saying" that I love myself, but I know now, I wasn't truly loving myself! With all honesty, I still have a bit to go as I still am hard on myself about my own body "image", but the connection to my body, now... is amazing! As time passes, the connection becomes deeper and deeper -Thank you!

Here we are at day 10. So grateful for the ability to eat food, having the ability to be gentle with myself and be in love with the healing of this cancer. Finding the balance to what works, has been the key and I am so grateful for this gift in having the ability to see this as a gift. 

So many people that I have spoken with are in shock that I am still working full time, that I am handling these appointments on my own, I am still working out in my yard on the weekends, I am doing me! I don't understand... shall I be a victim of this experience? Honestly, everything is a choice, and I choose to not ALLOW this to change me or sway be into that mentality. Don't get me wrong, I have my lower level days, where shit is not good, but I am a survivor and I will prevail. So with that being said. 

Happy Friday to the day today and here's to week 2, done! -Well, almost... but you get the point. Tomorrow brings a weekend break and a breathe of normalcy for a hot minute. So welcoming, so grateful!

Cheers!

Amazingly Happy

So happy that this week has been a normal week. No nausea. A bit here and there, but not like it was in week one. So far so good. I really want to not take the nausea meds and maybe next week, I will get brave enough to skip taking the meds and see what happens. Honestly, it has been so nice to have a normal schedule and eating habits, that I ALMOST don't want to mess with what is working. Oh and I've gained 5 pounds back. If I am going to lose weight, it needs to be the healthy way. So happy!

My session with Brian on Tuesday was amazing. Definitely a break through of "something" not sure what, and I don't have to know or understand, but grateful for it. My spirit feels different this week. I feel so happy, amazing! So grateful for my health and the people who are showing up to "check-in" on me. 

Honestly, I have been feeling tired in the afternoons, but definitely ensure that I am in bed early and sleeping as much as needed. Thankful to my body for showing me what it needs. Thankful, thankful, thankful. 

Trusting the process and remembering to stay grateful through it all!

Thank you!

So as suspected, I had a great day yesterday after the morning nausea wore off. Of course I took the nausea meds to help that along, but what a day yesterday! I got SOOOOOO much done!

Not only did I finally (not by myself) get all the 18 tons of rock moved, I was able to finish the steps for the trail down below AND I was able to (with Tyler's help) get the driveway fixed from the last winters over flooding of waters that drowned the rocks for the drainage. It looks so much better and I feel that with the revealing of what the water wants to do and what I want... we have found the right balance so we both can be happy! -YAY, and only time will tell until the next big storm comes along, but I'm confident. 

Tyler made such an AMAZING meal for dinner. I ate SO much and was SO, SO, SO happy that I could eat. Meat give's me the hardest time to eat. It is just grossing me out!!!! But I ate a good portion of smoked chicken breast. Yum and thankful to Jason who is an expert with this smoker!

Here's my thought: I have to take these chemo pills, every 12 hours and since last week didn't go so well, I am going to make a shift in this schedule. Oh, and I got permission to get back on the herbs for my menopausal symptoms. Thank goodness! I had finally and that under control for the last year and having those come back... not fun!!!!!!!!!!!!! -So this week, I will try something else.

Get up in the morning as I usually do, and take my herbs with 20oz of water. Eat a light breakfast and then at 6:45am take the nausea medicine and then at 7am take the chemo with another 20oz of water. Let's see how this week goes! But that is the plan. 

Still trusting the process, but finding the balance in everything!

End of week 1

What an eventful week of self discovery!

It was a rough week with all the nausea and self battles of not wanting to take the nausea meds. I caved, but I caved gracefully. Remembering to give myself permission to be comfortable is this experience.

The nausea was so bad! I lost 12 pounds this week and understand that no matter how BAD, I do NOT want to take the meds, it is in my best interest that I do. For my health as the alternative in losing 12 pounds is not good or healthy for me. So, yes I caved in. However... I am still experimenting in trying to find the balance in all of this.

I do not have to take the chemo or go to radiation on the weekends. I get a break! So the plan is that I will be able to find some kind of normalcy for these next two days. I had a bit of nausea this morning, so even though I am not taking the chemo... I am thinking that this is lingering from the week and by this afternoon, I will be okay.  Planning on eating a ton of food this weekend and gaining some of this weight back.

Day 3

OMG this nausea is for real! The thought of food is making me sick. Still refusing to take the nausea medicine as the papaya has been doing okay. Thinking that I will also add in some essential oils. BUT giving myself permission to not torture myself if this gets worse! My body DOES NOT like these meds.

Good news, it doesn't last all day, just a few hours after I take the pills and I get a break on non-radiation days, so Saturdays and Sundays, but OMG it's like being in my first trimester of my pregnancy... all over again!

Yesterday's session was great. For the first time in a hot minute... I felt the crack of sunshine that brought the gratitude through my chest. Like cracking me open with a smile and happiness. Will be continuing my sessions weekly to ensure that I stay grounded and in spirit. ----Still trusting this process, but now understand why people can feel the way they do and feel hopelessness... This is just the beginning, but I know that I will get through this. 

Day 1

From the day I received the news, it has been like nothing has changed for me. Fred is gone, but the underlying symptoms are still there. -I know that IF I don't eat healthy, then I pay the price. So eating healthy has been an important habit that I am SO glad I got YEARS ago! Not to mention drinking a crap ton of water, daily!

On 5/31 I had the port installed, that was weird and having this device sticking out of my chest has been very weird for me, but all in all, everything has been the same. 

Today though has been an emotionally tough day. It is the first day that the cancer drug is being given to me through my port. Cancer drugs! OMG! 1 hour visit and then I'm outta here. I can already feel how high my emotions are and will probably be for sometime. This shit just got real. Cancer "pills" drugs and radiation start tomorrow! 

Thankful for modern medicine, but cannot wait until this is done!

Here's to day 1 and every day afterwards. I will beat this and be okay in the end. I can do this!

Remembering to love life and trusting the process through all these emotions! -Thank you for the awareness.

Accepting things!

When I was given the news that I had cancer, I thought... nothing actually! I made phone calls, lots of calls... actually. But after everything settled down... I thought I would be able to beat this naturally and I wasn't worried at all. So like anyone in my situation, I went straight to google and started to research, research and research! I asked questions and tried to figure it out. 

After understanding that this cancer is something different than the usual cancer, like breast cancer, I came to realize that squamous cell carcinoma is a whole different ball game and had to be treated differently. Now knowing what I know, I have accepted that this cancer is, what it is and that, I will not be-able to go the natural route. 

You think in life that you do everything right, eat healthy (mostly) and live right.... and with no family history, it wouldn't be something that you see in your lifetime. Nope, there is no discrimination!

Needless to say, I have given myself permission to not be strong in the numerous needle pokes for blood work and to make this as easy as possible. Accepting this hasn't been an easy decision, but allowing myself to just be in the moment, is the gift within itself. Taking things day by day. Trusting the process and remembering to love myself in whatever the situation. 

On my mind

Work is winding down. Month-end is coming up next week, but for the most part, it's settling down. There is so much going on with my employer. Question is... how long will the doors stay open? If the owner continues to spend more than he is bringing in... it's questionable! Things are very tight, well... drowning in payables, that we do not have the funds to pay. I hope the owner's "plan" works out for him. Honestly, I'm running out of projects, and starting to get bored. In a few week's I'll start working remotely more and more as I continue this cancer treatment. Probably make some weekend visits and start getting the personal stuff from my office to bring home. Now that we are finally "nesting" -Can' wait to see how things will look once were settled.

Radiologist Oncologist said that what I eat now, will have no effect on anything. So, I gave myself permission. Still eating healthy, not splurging out of control, but I totally bought some junk yesterday. Cookies, ice cream and some cinnamon bears to share with J. Have a bit of guilt, but, not really! He shared with me that some people... eat a bag of chips and a 2liter of soda for breakfast. That is crazy to me... I cannot even imagine... I would be SOOOOOO sick! 

Mom is coming. Happy that "someone" is there to help get the weeds out of the landscaping. I've been able to get "some" done, but there is far more that needs to be. Honestly, I'm just taking things day by day and trying to stay out of my head as to the future "me" when I'm undergoing cancer treatment. Bottom line, is that... I have to eat and stay hydrated. Daily walks would be good for me, and probably the dogs too. -Cheers to staying healthy and very functional during treatment. Baby steps!

Excited for the upcoming trip to WA. Connect with my dad and see CJ if he is available. Not to mention, all the yummy places we are going to go and eat. Reminisce and see if it still tastes just as delicious as before. 

Just checking in for today. Stay grateful and fill your day with JOY!

Numb

I am feeling so numb!

I was told that I have cancer and I cried the first day, but ever since then I just have not really "felt" anything outside of my sessions with Brian. 

The statistics are good for this "common" cancer, but I feel that I am NOT feeling. Despite being borderline of not being responsive to treatment (as I am being told), I am convinced that I WILL beat this cancer.

I feel that Brian said it so clearly yesterday with the affirmations during my session. "Sometimes it's easier to "do" than to feel". I feel this is so true for me right now. Am I not feeling things? Am I numb? As I am writing this, tears are rolling down my face. So, I am going to have to say, yes! I think I need to just "be" with this news. Really BE with it. What the FUCK does that mean or even look like?

In our family "feelings" was not a thing we really connected with, so experience is not something I have mastered. Although my work with network care has brought me leaps and bounds further than I have ever been. I am feeling that with this news... I should be a basket case or something? right?

I know there is no right or wrong answer in how I deal with this, but after yesterday's session with Brian... I am just feeling as if I am numb! So here it goes...

To the universe and greater powers that be, please show me the direction in helping me connect and start processing this cancer. 

Still trusting the process.

Educated

When Fred was around, I was learning a lot about my body; spending more time with butt hole than I ever dreamed that I would be doing. Good to be in touch with my body!

I have been spending time in getting to better understand more about this cancer and have come to the realization that my prior thoughts have SOME truth in them. 

The urgency from the doctor to start treatment right away is finally understood. My cancer is on the borderline of not being receptive to treatment. In perspective... the human anal canal is roughly 4cm in length. My cancer is 3.5-4cm in length and 2cm wide. Which for that area, is really big. If I do not eliminate this cancer, then I am at risk of having to have a colostomy and wearing a ostomy bag for the rest of my life. -That is scary to me. 

Chemotherapy and radiation goes so far against my belief ! Scary! Not just the drugs and the side effects, but the vicious cycle I may be at risk for, not to mention the weakened immune system from the treatment. The unknowns here, are hard to swallow. I guess there will be a new normal, temporary normal, but amazing how this roller coaster of life has continued to forge forward. 

I am learning some, but not purposely learning about the other parts. I figure, I MUST trust the experts and just focus on me and my well being. 

Cheers to joy and healing!

  

3:30am, like clock work

I know that I must have blogged about this before, but it seems that 3:30am is the magic number of when I wake up. It was fine when I was going to the gym, but I am not going to the gym and haven't been for 5 months now. 

I do not like that I haven't been tot he gym. Definitely starting to lose muscle, but  working outside in my yard, is enough, right now! I will get back to it, but during cancer treatment... I will be going only to the necessary places as I do not want to risk my health, since my immune system will be "weakened" by treatment. ---Off topic tangent!

Why am I still waking up. What does my body want? I just don't know, but am hoping that in time, it will be revealed. 

Loving life and ensuring that I am focusing on JOY! 

I WILL beat this Cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gratitude for life and everything that is happening. -Thank you!

Trust in what?

What scares me the most out of this "CANCER" is the radiation and chemotherapy. Talk about a disruption to my life and my body. 

I don't even like to take prescription anything; western medicine to me, is a vicious cycle. Short term is tolerable.

I am about to get the crash course in cancer. Again, short term, but these drugs scare me. I have so many upcoming doctors appointments. I no longer want to research the drugs or radiation. It is depressing me. Brian says "earth is a trauma based learning center". I can totally resonate with that statement.

Short and sweet today, but this whole cancer thing is CRAZY!

I have to have another surgery in order to have an intravenous "port" put in for chemo therapy. I only need to have 2 of those, but will be on a specialty pill concoction for 6 weeks. Radiation 5 days a week for the 6 weeks. OMG, please help me discover this disconnection with this cancerous spot. My PET Scan is on 5/30/23. Can my Genius Frequency "GF" connection help this to be gone before the scan? Maybe I delay surgery and scan by 60 days?  --What is the right decision? How does my plant teacher play into this?

I am still processing things, BUT I must trust in this process. I also must only focus on JOY right now. 

What brings you joy?

Thanks Brian for holding me accountable. Awareness to a deeper connection.

So this has been on my mind and I feel that I have been overthinking it. Totally. I had to think of it differently to make the connection. 

So for me, it's what makes me smile? I have been catching myself smiling in the activities, tasks, chores, things that are in my life. --Things like:

Family, especially J, we compliment each other so well in our relationship. Love the kids, who are not kids anymore.

Gardening, labor of love! Recognized the smile as I was outside yesterday, digging up weeds and over sprayed hydroseeded grass... got a good workout and the colors are coming together nicely. Ahhh, labor of love. Can't wait to see the landscaping in 3-5 years, it's a long term plan. 

Roux & Mia, dog poo is not my favorite thing to do, but playing with the dogs is fun!

Food, not only eating it, but cooking it too! I loooove good food. 

Rocks, boy, do I LOVE rocks! I have favs from the different states I've lived in. Certain Wood Logs and BAGS of rocks have made moves across the country as we've moved around. Cannot wait to set up all these things as I landscape this huge yard!

Blogging, I started out with journals even further back than this blog goes. Those paper written journals are long lost. I noticed in looking back in my 16 years of blogs... I have a ton of which are not hash-tagged. I can recognize the pattern in years I had some kind of initiation in my life. Looking back allowed me see the progress. Some of it has been AMAZING progress.  

This is heavy on my heart and my mind. If it doesn't bring me joy, then I need to re-think it. Do only the things that bring you joy! --But in my mind, you can't have joy all the time. Right? Stuff happens.

Still processing the other stuff, but for now as I work through this next experience in my life... I need to do MORE of what brings a smile to my face.

All done!

Working at a slow pace, and still managed to get the lilies all weeded. Definitely some casualties along the way, but the weeding is done! Yay!!!

Looks like I need to divide some of them up to replace the dozen-ish we lost. I think, there is over 800 lilies out there along the driveway from last years planting. I cannot remember, but it was A LOT!

They will be so beautiful by next season! They are already blooming and very fragrant. Love them!

It's been nice!

Last year, August... I was productively planting out in my yard. I had the kids and my mom here to help.  I felt as if I was racing so the plants could have time to grow. Also, the last phase of the grass needed to be hydroseeded. In the end, by the time fall arrived... I (we) got it done. Happily a labor of love!

This year has been a bit different. I wanted to get out in the yard to weed, but either I was too exhausted after work. I could have since I'm usually home by 4pm... but didn't. Or it rained on the weekends. Theeeen... I wanted to actually get out there but Fred had become worse and very painful, so that stopped me in my tracks. 

So after my surgery to evict Fred, I had almost a week of not doing anything. That was challenging for me as I am not the person to just sit and be. Couldn't pick up a book for the life of me and was SO sick of TV. OMG!!!

So this last weekend was nice! I have finally been able to get out into my yard to weed the over sprayed hydroseeded grass out of the lilies I planted. Boy are there a TON of weeds and even more grass from where they over sprayed the hydroseed from planting the grass last year. But the silver lining is that the grass is a one and done things. It'll be much easier to maintain, once it's all done. 

So grateful for getting my butt outside to clean up the yard. This is one laborious task that I can do all day long with no complaints. 

Don't have too!

I don't have to go to the gym every day. I have a gym right here in my backyard! I stated that I wanted to go to the gym daily and start on the 19th and I probably will start at some point, but not this week. I need some time to find the new balance for my day, for me. Whatever that may be!

My mindset is so stuck, still. I am not 20, or even 30 anymore. I am almost 50 and I need to start shifting my mindset to be more realistic. I don't need to keep up, or prove anything to anyone but me!

I don't have to be an overachiever. I was raised that way, for sure! BUT it is time to start making some changes!

Cheers to the awareness and taking action to making the change.

Sooner than I thought

I just want to start by saying how much I APPRECIATE my husband Jason. He is such a wonderful man and I am so lucky to have part of his heart. Unconditional love and dedication with little complaints. He's tough! I love him, deeply!

So the office of the Messino Cancer Center called me yesterday. Turns out, that the doctor has enough information from my surgery to start discussing treatments. The PET scan will determine if it is one spot or if it has started spreading; stages...etc. 

Thought I had until June to just process, start to process this. Turns out that those answers are coming sooner. Okay.

Buckle -up, this ride is about to do something? AND I'm about to find out.

Curverballs. How do you deal with them?

You have a plan in life… and then BOOM! - that just happened!

Not going to change anything right now. I want to restore activities back into my lifestyle, now that Fred is gone. It’s best for me to just wait until I have more answers in June, after I get the PET scan results and discuss treatment options. Definitely in my thoughts!

I am going to keep working for now. I am in tune with how I am going to connect to this… cancerous spot on my body and learn to live with it for the next 90 days. I am going to make a few changes like

Cut back M 1x a day. Test until my poops are more solid, now that Fred is gone. I can mix up my diet with more leafy, cruciferous veggies, less dairy, oil, meat. I need to take an inventory of the food in my home to start cooking out my pantry and freezer. One day at a time. I return to work on the 19th, so I am going to slowly do things. I'd like to bring some structure/planning on eating the excess things I have in my diet right now.  - Excited that my mom will be here. She can totally cook dinners.

Keep Melissa to help clean the house. Don't want mom to do anything while she is here. Okay, maybe cook. I could use some KOREAN food, yes, please! So that means... Shop for groceries; day she arrives or weekend? 

Change up work schedule... Get to work at 7am after gym. On Friday  the 19th... the gym/work routine starts. Don’t have to kill it, but 45 min and some HIIT, slow rowing (Sitting right now may not be advisable, maybe in 6 weeks) but... definitely squats. I read that deep pelvic squats are good for women in strengthening their pelvic floor, So why not incorporate into my weekly workout routine.

Send Cheryl records since she is a close family friend who is in the field. I totally trust her opinion. 

Work until 3pm, Some days 2:30pm and the traffic on 26 is NUTS! --Take the other onramp on 26 to 40 directly. Stress level on 26 route is a bit stressful and isn't moving very fast, at all! Time to change it up!

Blogging out loud; unfiltered for my benefit as I use this blog as a tool in structuring the changes required in living heathier and future reference to see my growth over the years. 

Thank you!

And the results are in!

You hear about it, but many times it’s just out there happening to others... sometimes, it’s close to home. No one ever really feels that their going to get Cancer, but when you get the news, it’s… WOW!  - OMG, what did you say? I have Cancer. 

I just found out that the biopsy results show that I have squamous cell carcinoma. Anal Cancer. WTF! Our bodies are made up of squamous cells… They multiply, but when one area multiplies faster that normal, it develops into a cancerous area. (Still discovering WTF this is) Either way... it just happens. There are some leading causes and I can say that I am guilty of some of the things that are on that list, but that was SOOOOO long ago. Like 20+ years ago, but… life does have a way of catching up to you. Fore sure!

I just got the news yesterday and it hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m definitely still processing. Very emotional right now!!! I have zero family history of Cancer in my entire family. My mom had thyroid cancer, but her doctor’s told her it was job related. Who knows how true that is, but she did work with radiation in her career at Pearl Harbor; so maybe that’s true. Who really knows!

I was emotional yesterday. I called and talked to all the important people in my life about this, especially my kids. I don’t know much right now as further testing is needed first but after processing things thus far… I have made some decisions as of right now.

First is… as unhappy as I was because of Fred, he gave me the gift of discovering that he was the surface of something greater. I still had to evict him since he hasn't left in 8 months and he is kind of a pain in my ass; but if it wasn’t for Fred, I wouldn’t have discovered the Cancer. The underlying issue of why I had surgery in the first place is still there, but at least I have answers now. Some, but even more questions. Ugh… and so it’s the gift that keeps giving!

It feels like it has been FOREVER that I have been making ass jokes about my Fred situation, but all jokes aside. Thank you, Fred, for showing up to reveal that you were just a warning sign to something greater. Glad you’re gone, but thank you!

Successfully evicted Fred!

Wow when I had a partial hysterectomy, that post operative recovery was nothing like this. That one was a breeze in comparison.

This surgery, fuuuuuuck it hurts so bad! While I was in the recovery room, drinking a shit ton of water so I can prove that I could pee. Because you have to urinate before you can leave the hospital, why? Not a doctor to know, and I’m sure someone along the way has explained why, but all I heard was… you have to pee before you can leave. I started drinking hot water as I was shivering cold, but I didn’t care… drinking a ton of water so that I could pee and get outta here!!

But, let me tell you… the pain was excruciating!

It has been one week since the surgery and yesterday was the first day I could actually get up and around my house for more than a minute. Tired in the afternoon, but feeling a sense of normalcy being restored.

Good news… Fred is gone. Yes, bye bye!

Good news… Bad news… while I was being operated on, Dr. Z found out that I didn’t have anal fissure after all and the lateral inner sphincterotomy was not needed, BUUUUUT she found a silver dollar size wound in there, that has been biopsied. It could be Crohn’s Disease, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Cancer, among other things that she list off while we talked post operatively. It also could be an infection. Until the biopsy results come in… we are playing the waiting game.

So naturally I started to google the options of what it COULD be and discovered that I do not have those symptoms. Good news! It’s probably just an infection and antibiotics would solve that. 100% give me a yeast infection, but with a little Diflucan… no problem. One and done!

It still hurts as I have a bowel movement, and roughly 25 minutes or so afterwards, but once I start antibiotics, this too shall pass! I am so close!

So that's happening!

I did all I could do with Fred, but after Monday’s appointment with the surgeon, which BTW… this was the first time anyone could get a digital device in there to view what it looked like. Obstructed view, but a bit of progress. 

Honestly, it doesn't help that my surgeon is going into a induced labor on May 9th, but if Fred gets any worse or anything else comes up while she is on maternity leave... I will have to start all over with another surgeon. I really like Dr. Z and felt that I wasn't caving due to timing. I gave Fred everything I had since October, and it's now May. It's time for my unwelcomed guest to leave AND I guess forcefully it is. Ugh, I tried! --Bottom line, after really talking it through with Dr. Z, I decided I needed to stop fighting this and just get surgery. So, on Thursday morning, mama’s gonna get a new asshole and Fred will be gone. 

Scared as hell. Not of the pre-operative or operation, but the post op. After all, you need your asshole to poop and it's not like you can stop your bodily functions, nor would you want to. OMG I'm terrified of how bad that will hurt. But it is, what it is and there will be relief in the end. So, cheers to a successful operation!

I don't wanna!

For so many months, I have dealt with what I thought were my hemorrhoids, but after seeing the doc and now the surgeon, it has been determined that it is an anal fissure. What the heck is an anal fissure? AND how the hell did this happen?

Turns out that the hemorrhoids may have been the start of this issue, but it gradually became worse and morphed into an anal fissure; she thinks. She actually has not been able to get in there to properly examine the severity of things. Anal fissures can be caused by a handful of things, but at this point, it would be hard to determine.

It was so bad that the pain was excruciating and almost unbearable. It didn't help that I needed to work full days, but grateful that I have a stand up desk to help alternate sitting with a heating pad to standing with my legs spread apart. 

Allow me take a few steps back and say that for months now, I have been working on some deep emotional injuries, trauma... maybe ancestral stuff? Not sure, but I haven't felt like myself for such a long time now, that I cannot even remember how far back it goes. I do know that over the past week, I finally felt a strong shift. I finally felt as if I was getting back to myself again. Emotionally always in bliss. Super happy about everything and loving life. Coincidentally my anal fissure has been decreasing and starting to heal. I feel strongly that this anal fissure and the emotional stuff that I've been going through is connected. What this is, I don't know, but the lesson of slowing down and being more in tune is definitely in my awareness.

Last week after meeting with the surgeon, it was decided the best course of actions was to move forward with surgery. The topical cream that I was prescribed was not working and I could not just sit back and keep relaxing, waiting for this to heal. So I scheduled the surgery for next Tuesday.

Weird thing happened, that night my anal fissure "Fred" reduced by 2/3rds and the pain was virtually gone. I'm not sure what happened, but I'll take the win! So what did I do, I rescheduled my surgery for Thursday. This way I can see the doc again on Monday and ABSOLUTELY be sure that surgery is needed. I feel like it's not, but I will leave that to the doctor.

Until then, I will keep continuing to do the deep tissue energetic work that Genius Frequency has enabled me to hone in on and trust that Monday's appointment with the surgeon will be whatever it is supposed to be. I don't wanna have surgery, but have made the decision that I will accept whatever it has to be. 

Feeling SO much better today

Being Bipolar has been fun! I refuse to take medication. I have learned what I need to do, in order to keep things under control. Structure and organization is the key for me! Learning how to deal with all the ups and downs has been a fun roller coaster ride, but I am so grateful for Network care in revealing the "Kim" way! -Thank you!!

Today is the first day, in many that I feel like I am starting to feel better! Finally!

Fred is on the mend. I'm so happy that progress has been prevalent. Happily grateful that after all the attention he has been receiving, he is finally complying with my intentions. 

I just wanted to say thank you to the universe. Thank you for revealing the lessons needed in order for me to make the necessary changes in my life. I will comply with the slowing down of things even after Fred has healed. Resistant to change, yes! BUT after this... I hear you loud and clear! 

Thank you for the sun in showing me "how bad" I really WANT to be outside and the immediate challenges that has stopped me from doing so. I guess as my mom would say... I too learn the hard way. 

So happy today, so feeling myself again. Wholesomely!

Cheers to life lessons!

Feeling kinda blah

When I was thinking about what is on my mind today, all I got was blah. Don’t feel like doing much of anything lately. I do not like this feeling, but it makes me wonder why I am feeling this way.

For days now, it just feels as if I am wondering in my body as well as my mind. Puttering. Why no motivation? That is not like me at all.

I want to blame Fred; he is certainly not helping. I am trying to continue to take it easy and not aggravate him in any way; I want him to heal! I feel that he is the deep rooted reason why I feel lack of any motivation. I want to get into my yard and weed, dig and plant. I want to get into the areas of my yard that definitely appear to be growing with a plethora of weeds. I want to get outside and be with nature. I want to be outside “doing” something.

Trying to have patience, but it is starting to run short as I don’t like the way I’ve been feeling.

To the powers of the universe, please heal Fred and allow me to go back to resuming my daily activities, including the gym. I miss it and need those things in my life to keep balance

Fred and the awareness surrounding his visit

In the beginning, I thought this was just a flare up, and that I could, with the right attention… heal it. Besides, I don’t have any issues as this is only the 2nd time I can remember ever having to deal with it.

If you’re wondering what “it”… It is my internal hemorrhoids. Not only did I get the gift of a (no drugs) natural birth to my youngest kiddo in 1996, but I was also given the gift of hemorrhoids. Thank you?

I cannot ever remember having this big of a flair up. Trust me, it would be as memorable as this current experience has been. I feel that I can attribute this to my eating lifestyle. I’ve always ate wholesome and as natural as possible. Maybe not so much while I was in my 20’s, but that certainly changed in 2007 when I learned more about food, food additives and FDA standards. It will shock you to know what acceptable standards allowable in our foods. OMG, but that is a different story. 

I cannot remember when this started, but I know that I separated from my job at the law firm in the first week of August. I know that I had some cream on hand from my competition days. Side note, believe it or not hemorrhoid cream is very helpful when you tear your calluses off. It helps with the swelling!  I can see that I ordered some stuff on 9/12. So, I feel it’s safe to say that it started around the 1st of September. I was taking baths, using ice, heating pads, herbal supplements, a holistic ointment as well rotating other topical creams and suppositories. Nope, weeks and months went by with no “real” progress. I could get things unwound, but no matter what I did. It was still there and was quite uncomfortably painful. I thought I could heal this on my own, but I finally broke down and saw a doctor in March, who then referred me to a surgeon. It was so swollen that even she couldn’t see or diagnose it, but the suspicion is that it is an anal fissure. It may have started as a hemorrhoid, but now it’s something else. In light of this experience, I feel that this has been with me for so long that I have named him Fred. Not funny, but he is my unwanted guest who has worn out his welcome! I’m ready for him to leave as my daily life has been affected, big time! Not to mention, I have spent far too much time with that part of my body, then I ever imagined I would. I asked my husband if he is jealous of Fred since I have been spending so much time with him. Just joking!

The surgeon mentioned surgery, but I am so against any kind of surgery. I know there has to be another way. Maybe not the quick, easy fix, but nonetheless, I refuse to cut things out of my body… unless I HAVE to. So she prescribed a compound cream which has Fred almost gone. Still there, but shrinking, finally! I thought I was in pain before, until the healing started. I now realize that this pain is much worse! OMG!!!!

I know now that there is a reason that he has been sticking around this long. Showing me “awareness of” something? Maybe heal, not show? My take away is this. As I have spent time with Fred, there has been some emotional experiences surrounding the healing that has happened with Fred. Deep feelings of tears, some laughter, but mostly a lot of crying. Maybe this is my emotional stuff that was buried deep down there. Maybe it’s ancestral healing? I don’t know, but I have learned that I need to revert back to my healthy lifestyle with food.

Since my husband has come into my life, my lifestyle has changed. Cable TV, fast food and “some” processed foods have found their way in my diet. I will take accountability for allowing that to sneak in, but that is now changing in light of this situation. Maybe it could be a combination of a few things. Age could be an attributor too. 

This experience has shown me a valuable lesson. It’s clear to me, that changes need to be made. 

Cheers to awareness and the lessons that are brought forth by the natural order. I appreciate the eye opening experience. It will definitely allow me to think twice about what I am feeding my body. 

Evolution at work

As children we are at the mercy of our parents. For generations, the beliefs of our ancestors is passed down to the next generation. Therefore, our parent’s beliefs are projected onto their children. Not that it is bad or good. It is, what it is. 

Children grow up and take those beliefs and either fall into the same or not. That’s the beauty of self-preservation and freedom.

I have blogged about this before. Each time, the perspective is different, but overall the feeling has been the same. I was so upset and appalled at the actions of my husband’s ex-wife. Not only for the threats, but the rules that surrounded him in having a relationship with his children. She made it clear that if she did not get her way, then she would ruin his life. She did follow through on her promises, and the children and their father have become estranged for over a decade.  

It was rough in the beginning to sit idle and watch as the pain riddled through his psyche. But with endurance, love and time, that has changed! -I am so proud of my husband for digging himself out of the drama that surrounded this broken and bleary situation. For finding the strength to dig deeper and find himself, again. Not only find himself, but to evolve and grow into the man I know now. 

Setting all that aside, what bothered me the most is that the lies have penetrated this family so deeply that a child has gone to counseling to “deal” with something that isn’t even true. My hopes is that one day, these children will find out the truth about the situation. His ex-wife believes this made up story so much that it has become “her truth” and now, the children’s truth. However, the reality is that she forced someone to say something that wasn’t true. She never believed him and held the children hostage from him until he admitted to something that was never true in the first place. Even when he said what she wanted to hear, or in her case… she will say “suspected”, he still was not able to continue a relationship with his kids. Missing out on so much and creating this broken-ness!

She will say, I have recordings where you ultimately confessed, but the truth of the matter is… even though he repeatedly denied and pleaded with her, she never believed him. Not being able to see his children, hurt deeply! Therefore he knew that he had no choice but to succumb to this lie. He began to make up stories about what had happened, he couldn’t remember what he lied about and the story kept changing. She recognized that and started to record the conversations to “help” her remember what was said. Then proceeded to use those recordings against him, in helping destroy him. 

A mother wants what is best for their children and in this case, I feel so bad for the children! To lose their relationship with their loving father over a lie is just appalling!

One day, hopefully these kids will want to seek answers and my hope is that they rebuild their relationship. I know that I would love to get to know his children, and their children! He is such a wonderful man. I truly feel that his children would be an extension of such love. 

Cheers to hoping that change CAN and WILL happen. Trusting that the timing will be sooner, rather than later! But, if it never happens, then I am sad that the children have lost out on the opportunity to really see and learn about their father as adults, as parents themselves. 

With loving energy to the universal powers in unfolding the things that are SUPPOSED to be. –Thank you!

Worst critic

I know I’m my worst critic, but loving my body is challenging for me. I feel that I am not fit enough. So change it! Fred needs to go away. He has over stayed his welcome. I’m ready to get back to the gym to get fit. -Get back to it. It's been 4 months, now! Spin, Swim or Gym. 1 of something every day! Time to shake it up.

I feel chunky, not lov’n this present space, body, right now! Nope, instead, I feel fat, chunky and not pretty. My hair is almost there, so close; a little longer in the back. Cut of 18" in trying to get back to a shorter haircut, but it has been one bad haircut after another. I finally have someone who is listening to what I want. 

Don’t have to go to the gym to workout. Probably could swim though. Sauna for sure. Just need to maintain this "easy" pace until Fred is gone and then I will slowly slip back into the gym lifestyle again. I SOOOOOO miss it!

Why do I feel so connected when I am with my plant teacher?

It’s like my body is channeling the energy through my body on a higher connected level. It feels good to stretch, laugh and go with the flow of where it wants to move. However, I cannot explain it. Some would look at me is if I was “out there” Maybe I am. Maybe I want to be. But only when I’m with my plant teacher. I don’t understand. I want too!

Where am I in life right now? I feel as if I am floating, dealing with Fred and accepting that I need to take it easy. There are a lot of feelings coming through as I work with him.

I thought I was done blogging, but it seems as if it was a break. Just like counseling. You go, go and go, then take a break. I guess that is the flow of things. Never really gone. Like Spirit.

Where am I really? Time to check in.

I have a job that is a-a-lri-i-ight. I don’t really like my boss. He is a little dick-ish in how he communicates. My first “write-up” on my employment record. Pissed me off, actually! But I figure, if he wants that much control, then I will never do anything without his direction first. It’s hard for me not to take initiative, but that’s my new role here at this job. I thought I was a control freak, but being given taste of that directly is eye opening for me. Those who want control, have the most stuff to manage; stress. Letting go is a gift of trusting others. Capable people who can help, collectively as a team. So I just come in and do my job, well!

I want to get out into my yard, but Fred is still here and I feel that resting my body is what is needed until he is completely healed. As I am spending time with Fred, I am discovering parts of myself that are start to show up. Tingling, sharp nerve sensation in showing me that this is a deeper connection that is coming to light. Today as I explored my body, I had an initiation surrounded by tears and a little screaming. Fred is throwing me off of my game. Actually, let's give him some credit. --Fred is revealing more about what is happening, at a deeper level.

Thank you!

Change my mind

Thought I was done blogging, but the truth is that I'm not!

I could go to counseling. I could journal. I could, I could, I could. BUT I am not!

I like the ability to be able to blog. It's like journaling, I guess. It is public, and I'm an open book. I don't care what others think of me, nor do their opinions count in my world. On that same note, I'm sure others may not care to hear what I have to say. AND that's okay. This is for me!

Honestly, if I wanted to seek advice, then I will choose who to seek that from. I have a couple of highly regarded people in my life who I feel a deep connection with. A connection that warrants the desire to seek guidance on things in my life.

So in short, I'm back to blogging again. I have found that while I am writing, at times the answers come to me. What a world of self medicating. What an eye opening experience this has been in taking my thoughts and feelings online.

Cheers to the freedom of self expression. 

Shakin things up!

Maybe not until I was in my late 20’s did I start bringing structure into my life. I needed to be, to keep things straight with all that goes on in this busy world of mine! It was how I kept myself sane through all the craziness of running and staying busy all the time. I can still hear people say to me “don’t you ever rest?” My answer, “nope and if you knew the women in my family, you would see where I get it from”

In the past, that has served me well, (it may be age) but I have been recognizing that life has become so busy, too busy that I don’t like it anymore! Not at all! Don’t get me wrong, there are days where I go, go and go, but there are the days where I JUST DON’T WANT TO! Those days are happening more and more often, and I feel a shift happening in my life. What shift? I have no idea, but I can feel that something is changing. Tearing down those beliefs and allowing new ones to unfold.

While I was working, I was busy. Despite leaving my job, still busy. Just a different kind of busy. Labor of love, really! Tiresome, but rewarding work. Lately I haven’t been able to sustain the energy to go to the gym and do yard work/planting. No joke, landscaping is a lotta work! I feel like I’ve just traded one kind of busy for another and feeling guilty for not going to the gym, but also… giving myself permission to just be. It is what I wanted, but I’m so over this year’s planting season.

I realized yesterday that the shift may be good for me and I need to be open about it. Maybe I need to be more fluid with things and my life. Don’t get me wrong, still setting goals and learning more about what brings me joy, but I’m literally tearing down what once was in trying to discover what may be.

Here’s to still staying open despite the bad days and picking myself up and giving myself permission to just be. -Thank you!

Want too but can’t. No, won’t!

It’s been a little bit over a month since I have left my job, and it has been balls to the wall on trying to get the landscaping done for the season. Phase II of the grass is being planted the last week of September, so I have been frantically trying to get these hillside erosion challenges, and flower beds planted and finished with mulch. I have made great progress, but today is the first day, that I officially cannot get myself outside. Want to but am going to give myself permission to just putter today.

Thank you for the time to just be, thank you for the most wonderful husband in forcing me to stay at home, thank you to the universe… thank you, thank you, thank you!

Plant Teacher

Living a life out loud with transparency as I have kept this hidden for decades. Eluding, but leaving room for speculation or one’s own interpretation. I didn’t want it to affect my career. Maybe, it was because I was ashamed of my behavior, maybe it was because it “was” illegal, maybe it was because it goes against everything I work for with my body, maybe, maybe, maybe. The list can go on!

For so many years; actually, decades! I have been struggling with allowing myself permission to smoke flower without guilt. According to society, addicted. Thinking how bad it was, and I needed to quit. So many reasons! -Good reasons!

It all started long ago. I was introduced to it back when I was 19, when my good friend, who I will not name for her privacy. Tried it once and hated it! OMG hated it. But when my second husband (friend at the time) re-introduced it to me when I was 20, it stuck as a habit. Comes and goes, but I can still remember the day as if it happened yesterday. There I was at his friend Chris’s mom’s house. Standing there in her living room, staring out the big picture window after just smoking some flower. I remember thinking… what is so great about this? Still made me feel anxious and unsettled; still didn’t like it. I continued to smoke it “socially”. Not sure why, but eventually the anxiety dissipated, and it became a habit.

For many years I have been trying to quit. Determined to quit: throwing/giving away all my paraphernalia to again repurchase it. Nothing long lasting. Until I started network care. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggled with starting and stopping for another decade, but it was different. There were times and just a few years ago where I hadn’t smoked for over a year. No cravings. Then something would happen… stress from work, and I would start back up again. I realized that I was utilizing this habit as a crutch, coping mechanism to “get through” something. When you are armed with the knowledge it brings power into the light of a situation. For me anyways!

In all my years of consuming flower (not proud or bragging), I have come to understand the different strains and how they affect you. So, I choose to only partake in a certain strain; indica. Indica, relaxes you. Sativa energizes you. But for me… I am energized with Indica, and Sativa makes me anxious. Again, knowledge is power.

So, this brings me too today. I have been wondering why it is when I am high, I am different. I feel more creative, more connected to my body, more focused, less of a filter and less reserved. Of course, I don’t know how to begin to start the process of understanding that, so I connected with my chiropractor and co-founder of Genius Frequency to explore this.

Recently, I scheduled a one and one session with my chiropractor and co-founder of Genius Frequency, and I learned a lot!

• First off, change my frequency. Think of it as a plant teacher. This will shift my relationship and perception. 
• Think of it as my plant medicine; a natural value/enhancement
• Start asking the questions: 
• Why am I motivated when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why do I feel more connected to my body when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why am I more creative when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why am I more focused when I am with my plant teacher?
• Why is everything so different when I am with my plant teacher?

So shall it be. Not only am I thankful for Brian and his wisdom, but I am also thankful for his transparency and the gifts he is sharing. Discovery and Transformation into the deeper parts of me. The soul satisfying itch that continues to bubble to the surface.

Sending out my heart and souls desire in asking the question and exploring more into the discovery of those deeper parts of myself. Yay to me and thank you to the universe for bringing this into my reality! I’m ready to take that deeper dive! -Bring it!

Real me?

When I smoke a little flower, things change for me. I become super critical of me.

My awareness shows me that I am 2 different people when I’m smoking, or I’m not. What parts are real? Is my mind on warp speed? Can be. When I really don’t want to do something, or I have less energy. I can just have a quick smoke and, I’m off and gassed up as J would say. I can lite a fire to motivate myself to keep going.

I have an ideation of who I am, and what I look like. I’m not living that truth right now and sometimes; I just find myself not where I want to be. Making decision that I am not happy with, like… chocolate, junk food, fast food, soda. That is not how I want to feed my body! Where is my self-control?

I want to be working outside, digging my hands in the dirt and designing a beautiful, landscaped home!

Making plans for my future self! Just go, be! Be me to have the freedom to discover what that is. The question is who am I? What does that look like? -Perception, creativeness, discovery, stretching, unwinding and... I'm open!

Contrast to C-L-A-R-I-T-Y

 As I heard myself complaining today, I thought… change my record. So, let’s talk about some real contrast.

I choose healthy choices to feed my body

Right now, I eat like shit. Total shit! Red meat more than I’d like. Want vegetables to be my main entrée again. Stop eating fast food, eating out, refined sugar and cut down on sugar altogether!

I choose to expand myself athletically everyday whether that is swimming, spinning, working out or doing some yoga or stretching, hell yard work counts, for sure!

I’m not happy how my body looks. J says I’m getting older, but I don’t want that to be my excuse. I want to be slim and toned, fit! -I'm so close; just need to keep grinding away.

Those 2 things are in correlation with each other. Change my record, change my mindset. I need to eliminate some responsibilities first! Starting with my job! Then make some changes in my schedule.

Lost or Found

Am I lost? 

Am I found? -Feeling like it’s been a challenge for me to accept my decision to resign from my Controller position without a plan. It’s taken me a hot minute for me to come to terms with my decision. Have I accepted it?

Earlier blog that never was posted and just in looking back at this progress. Totally flipped that switch!

Feeling like it can be over soon enough! I’m mentally so not connected to my job anymore. I want to be DONE! So yeah, totally accepted the fact that I’ve resigned! Taking a break. Excited to see what is next for me on this enlightening path to self-discovery. Where am I going. Just enjoying every moment, just doing, me!

Cheers to progress!

Unraveling

I have so many thoughts, and as each day passes, I feel as if I am unraveling more and more, becoming more emotional. Starting to lose it! Emotionally, and mentally! I feel physically on auto pilot, just pushing through the motions, but allowing myself permission to allow these emotions to come through.

Negative thoughts of myself and the perception of who I am… I am starting to question every part of it! Every part of me. My past, my actions, hell, my future, my emotions, and self-doubt. Of course, I understand that I am my worst critic and I continually beat myself up over, nothing. Self bullshit! What is happening to me? Why are these feelings getting stronger and stronger? As I write these words, tears are filling my eyes! I feel as if “something” is starting to surface. Perhaps it is as Brian states. Ancestorial baggage? Realization that I, myself am not being true to my core. I too realize that I am still wearing a mask. Not all the time but am starting to understand that the true essence of who I am is bubbling through.

Let’s be real about my career choice. I understand that I make a great Controller in the right environment. I am a control freak! Yes, I’ll admit it. As I say that though, I realize, that over the course of the past few years… I don’t want to be that person anymore. I hate Accounting and I just don’t think I want to do it anymore! I can be mean at times. I can be selfish at times. Some, most days… I don’t care about others! Where is the humanity in that? Conditioning of the trauma I endured in always on the lookout for my best interest. That is not who I want to be. That is not how I want to act. I want to change. I need to make that change, for me! How, and in what way? These are all great questions. Questions that I feel that my deepest thoughts and vibrational energy is shining through to my core. My soul is bubbling through, and it is starting to, maybe has been resonating through, and NOW, finally… I think that the timing is arriving for me to start making those changes.

I am ready! Bring it on. Make me cry. Make me be real. Help me in allowing myself to transition through, whatever this is! I am ready!

I am all over the place, and I feel that allowing myself to be real, and expressing it out loud will allow me the space to feel safe enough to FINALLY express myself without a filter. Whole heartedly!

Cheers to change in all the uncomfortable emotions, feelings and crap that comes with it as I go through, whatever this is. Bring it on! I will conquer this and shine through on the other side as a renewed sense of self and energy.

What should I be doing?

How many times have you asked yourself that question? If you are anything like me, it has come up time and time again. Proof positive that I am not doing something that is soul satisfying in springing myself outta bed every day! -But what should I be doing?

For so many years, and it feels like a lifetime ago.  I have been doing what is self-satisfying, or what satisfies my parents to be proud of my success. Not ideal, not even close!

I’m sure I’ve blogged about this numerous times, and here I am again! -I am feeling so lost right now.

Do I stay in accounting? My gut says no! But I went to school to get my MBA, countless hours and $$ went into perfecting my craft! -Learning to let that go!

Do I go back to life coaching? Am I really ready for that again? I feel like I’m leaps and bounds away from where I was back in 2008, but almost scared to take that leap of faith.

Here is my trust in the universe that the path in which I am to follow will reveal itself in the right timing.

Damn robo-calls!

WTF, I cannot stand these damn robo-calls! Seriously annoying!

It’ll be quiet for a bit, and then… suddenly, a flood of them for the ENTIRE day!  Oh, you can choose to ignore them. Or like me, I’ll answer, hang-up and block the damn number. Honestly, I probably have pages and pages of blocked numbers. So annoying!

They are getting better and better… they can now leave you messages and fill your inbox. Grrrr, totally thinking about turning off my voicemail as I am so tired of checking my messages to find out that NONE of them are important! Again, so annoying!

Someone needs to do something about this! I will not be the one who does, but here’s putting that energy out there, that SOMEONE will.

FU to whomever invented that idea for marketing!

7 months later

Wow, has it really been 7 months? I am feeling so disconnected right now. Ungrateful mostly. I recognize that the feelings and actions, must change. Haven’t blogged in a long while. It just means that everything has been good!

Lots has happened and I’m still processing, but I recognize that I need to flip the switch. Smoking again; not good. Drinking a little too. Change is rising to the surface of my emotions, though, I can feel it. Feeling like I need to flip that switch. Get serious about certain things in my life. Like food… sweet sugary yumminess. I need to cut down on my sugar. Recognizing some things about myself. Thank you! 😊

I have SO much to be grateful for. Complained that I had to pay taxes on the investments, instead of being grateful that we made that 10 fold. I just started a new Controller role. Things are so good.

Oh, and my favorite part… I’m getting ready to plant like 300 plants in the Spring with my family. That is going to totally change the look of the house. Thank you that the rock was available to mould this property. We are fortunate!

Tomorrow is Friday! Thank you! I am SOOOO ready for the weekend!

Here’s to flipping the switch

Need more sleep!

It's 3am and I'm awake again. Why am I awake at 3am? What is going on?

I thought if I stay awake later (9pm), just maybe I'll sleep later until my actual alarm goes off at 4am. Nope, that is not the case. Maybe it's the road noise? Maybe it's this bed? Maybe I'm dreaming and I just don't know it? Either way, I don't know what or why this is happening, but I'd really like to get 8 hours of sleep on week nights. Weekends I do great. Not sure what the difference is or why my mind and body switch to different sleep pattern during the week. Nonetheless, please all mighty powers that be, help me get a great night sleep. My head cannot take these mild headaches that I get much longer. Not to mention the late afternoon lull in my energy!

Maybe it's my location in these Airbnb's. It's been since June since I've had a consistent restful night sleep. My hope is that this new Airbnb is going to be quieter and we both can sleep better. 

So, there it is... my desire casted out (loudly) into the universe. 

Stop the mental mind fuck… NOW!

For too many weeks now, I have been giving into my mental mind fuck. Yup, that’s right, it’s been just a bunch of gibberish that has allowed me to make very bad decisions with food.

Am I screwed up mentally, emotionally, and physically?

Mentally, yes, lately. Totally eating my feelings

Physically, well, sort of… since I’ve allowed my mind to win over control of things, I’ve gained some weight. Progress out the door and down the street. LOL

Emotionally, yeah, I have my moments and sometimes days, but this time… it’s been weeks!

After having a blow out with Jason on Friday and I must say that in 11 years, this is our 3^rd one… I realized that I am allowing this to happen and then I’m making an excuse for it. The shitty part of this has been that I allowed myself to be okay with it. Yaa, no more!

Why did I allow this? Well here goes my rant, so that I can get it off my mind!

We decided to move to Asheville, I accepted a great position back in September and moved out of my home to start work here in NC. Yup I rented a space here while Jason lived in FL. I travel back and forth by car because the company I work for due to COVID had a no-travel policy without quarantining. No big deal, but after 4 months, it got old, fast! Finally, I started flying and Jason made a few trips up here by truck so he could tow a U-Haul to move some of the small stuff out of the way before we made the final move when we sold our home. Oh yeah, that was back in April, and we moved out by May 31^st. We have been in an Airbnb since June 1. Moved to another one as of last week and must move into another one next week. WHEN IS MY HOUSE GOING TO BE FINISHED? The builder states that all should be finalized by end of the month, so we are at the finish line.

The point of today was to recognize my mental mind fuck taking over, it started gradual, but eventually consumed me. Yes, I allowed it, but the time has come when enough is enough.

Getting back up, dusting myself off and moving forward.

Thank you for the awareness and the mindset -reset!

Eating my feelings!

I thought I was handling things okay. Perhaps I’m in denial, okay, yes, I am in denial!

I’m feeling exhausted. I need a break! I want a vacation, but am going to hold out, since I am going to have a break in September when I get my surgery; 4–6-week break. Not how I want a break, but this will be a forced opportunity for me to slow down and recharge my battery.

I realized yesterday that I am tired, really... tired! Discombobulated and not in my element. Moving from one Airbnb to another is not ideal!

I have been eating my feelings for weeks now, and my body is starting to change due to my horrible eating habits catching up to me. Honestly, I know I can change that, but right now as much effort as I give it. I just don’t want too. Stress eating is my excuse and I’m kind of enjoying it. Not enjoying the weight I’ve put on, but in the end, I will lose it again. I just need things to smooth out. I need my home to be finished being built PLEASE!

More delays!

Who would have imagined that back in February 2020 when we decided to move to Asheville, that the journey would have been this bumpy? Here we are in July, almost a year after we purchased our property, and our home still isn’t finished. Yes, COVID happened and is the main cause of delays now, but as frustrating as this is. I am so grateful to be so close to the finish line in this process.

Thank you for the folks that are working hard to get everything on our home just as we wished it to be. Of course, there are a few things that are not finished, but we requested it to be that way, so we can finish it ourselves. Then there are building code requirements that forced us to finish things a bit differently than what we wanted, but… we have full intentions of ripping that out within a year or two to remodel it as we originally intended. Thank you to those hard-working folks for making this dream a reality for us!

All in all, I’m happy that this process is so close to being done. I am so ready to get started on the landscaping and get back into the structure of a routine that will allow us to have some normalcy back in our lives.

Thank you for progress and thank you for allowing us to dream big!

Feeling a bit lost

I want to be less busy. Breathe, make the time to breathe, really breathe. If I stop to breathe now, I feel as if my mind wants to rush me. Get to the gym, get through my work out and get to work. On the days that I stretch… my mind wants to be aware and keep my eyes open. I want to stop and stretch through the tightness. It's a constant struggle! Why am I allowing my mind win? I have plenty of time. Another battle for the future. In the meantime, I keep plugging away bit by bit.

I spoke with HR on Friday. Felt good to get that off my mind and start that conversation. I don’t want to be this busy at work. Busy is good, but this is too much! But now that I have, my mental mind chatter is trying SO hard to keep me where I am. Saying things like, you made a mistake. You’re short staffed, and once you’re fully staffed, it will get better. You started your period on Friday and you know how you get just before you start; you’re an irrational mess! I need to just trust myself and have faith that all will workout as it should be.

Needless to say, I’m feeling a bit lost. Staying aware of everything that is going on right now in my life, with all the transition. Acknowledging the fact that there is a lot going on and I’m 2 months away from surgery. We are so close to the finish line as the house is almost done. Needless to say though, I’m still feeling lost and starting to lose my marbles!

What is the right thing for me? I know that I want to live a life through soul, and I am currently not! I know that once I am in my home, that I WILL be doing things that I love to do through soul and right now because there is no balance it’s progressed to the point of, well… I’m barely hanging on here.

I am sending this energy out to the universe to bring me guidance in continuing to stay open and bring that energy force that will catapult me into the world of openness. Please help guide me to this sense of peace within and allow me to always have a grateful heart.